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“You’re taking away exactly what you wanted, Savannah,” I tersely whispered.“Memories.That’s all you get.”
I pressed the fob to unlock the vehicle and heaved my luggage in the back.Then I sucked in a deep breath, hurried to Kit’s front door, and pasted on a smile before ringing the bell.
When she pulled it open, a bright smile lit up her face.“Come on in.I’ll make us some coffee.I guess it’s kind of quiet in the barn with the guys out hunting.”
“Actually, it’s nice.I miss my alone time,” I lied.“I just wanted to pop by and say…see you next year.I decided to head on home.There’s some painting I want to get done in the spare bedroom, and I need to check my messages in case something’s come up for work.It was great to relax and unwind, but it’s time to get back to the grind.”
Though the lies rolled off my tongue with ease, it became increasingly harder to keep the smile on my face.When Kit’s brows furrowed, my heart thundered in my chest.I feared she’d seen through my mask.
“You drive safe.No more deer, you hear?”she warned.
I laughed, but it sounded hollow and fake, then wrapped her in a hug while promising I’d be careful.
Once on the road, I didn’t stop shaking until I’d hit the four-lane highway.The sun warmed my skin, but I was frozen to the bone.I turned on the radio and found a rap station, then cranked up the volume.I hated rap music, but I didn’t want to listen to sappy love songs that would make me cry and wreck.While the music blared with a heavy, chest-thumping beat, my head began to throb.It was a welcome distraction from the pain shredding my heart.
I tried not to wonder what Dylan and Nick’s reactions would be once they returned and found the note.Would they be mad or grateful I’d saved us from an awkward goodbye?Maybe it was my own guilt, but I hoped they’d welcome a day to relax and do what they wanted instead of what they felt obligated to teach me.
When I hit the Missouri/Iowa line, I stopped for gas and a cold drink.As I rummaged through my purse for my wallet, my cell phone rang.I clutched the phone, staring at Kit’s name on the caller ID.Indecision filled me.Surely, they hadn’t come back from hunting so soon.I’d only been on the road a couple of hours.My finger hovered over the phone, but I chickened out and let the call go to voicemail.
As I climbed back into the Hummer, it rang again.Guilt and dread filled me as I checked the number.It was one I didn’t recognize.Clenching my jaw, I turned the device off, then started the Hummer and pulled back onto the highway.
My hands trembled and anxiety bloomed.Was the unknown number Nick’s phone?Were they mad?Were they hurt?Were they relieved?Maybe it hadn’t even been them.Maybe it was a wrong number.Maybe they didn’t even know I was gone.
“Stop it,” I barked to my brain.
I knew if I continued rolling every fucking question over and over in my brain, I’d go insane before I reached Kansas City.
If I was more like Mellie, I could have stuck around and told them goodbye.But I didn’t have the life experiences she had.I didn’t have tools or solid ground to get a foothold in.I was the one who’d climbed inside myself after our parents died.I was the one afraid to love someone for fear they’d disappear or die and leave me with a heart so broken I couldn’t mend it back together.
It was enough of a risk to love Mellie as much as I did.She traveled endlessly, and though every trip reminded me of a game of Russian roulette, I always mentally prepared myself the day she didn’t make it home.We’d even made a pact.Each time she had to leave, she would call and tell me how much she loved me.We made sure we carried each other in our hearts, no matter where we went.
I loved my boss Myron and his wife Hellen.They, too, would die someday, leaving me to grieve and mourn because they were old.But I’d prepared myself as much as I could for that day as well.
But giving my heart to two men who might want it, but couldn’t accept it was a whole level of grief I didn’t know how to handle.I’d never learned how to pick up pieces of my broken heart and move on.
By the time I pulled into my apartment complex, I was emotionally and physically exhausted.My feet felt like bricks as I unloaded the Hummer.Dropping the luggage on my bedroom floor, I crawled into my bed and cried.
Cried for the Dominance they’d never give me again.
Cried for the peace and serenity they’d given me.
Cried for the safety and care they’d given me.
Cried for the punishment and pleasure they’d drowned me in.
I ached to hear their voices again.But I knew it would only prolong my heartache.
Instead of trying to quash the pain inside, I welcomed it…let it consume me so I could purge Dylan and Nick from my system.
I’d lived my ultimate dream for a few glorious days.But, oh, how I longed to go back and relive it all over again.To breathe in their scent, feel the comfort of their strong bodies next to mine, hear the praise of their decadent voices, and revel in their dominant command.
“Why does it fucking hurt this much?”I wailed.Tears soaked my pillow.And as I tried to purge them from my heart, the fear I would never be whole again wended through me.
When my tears dried up, I wiped my eyes and climbed out of bed.In a listless haze, I wandered to the kitchen and made a cup of tea.My movements were mechanical, robotic.I ran on autopilot…dead inside.
As I looked around my apartment, I realized there was nothing there but a way of life I no longer wanted to go back to.My quiet oasis felt like a giant cavern.The silence I reveled in before was now a choking weight making it hard to breathe.
I sat at the kitchen table while the walls around me pressed in.
