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As she shuffles to get comfortable again, she leans her head against my shoulder, almost snuggling into my side. At first I freeze, a little unsure what to do about the contact. But when I hear her yawn as she snuggles in beside me, I let all my thoughts go.
I know this is a fucking terrible idea. I should be pushing her away right now. No good can come from letting her cuddle into me. Yet, despite knowing this, I still throw my arm over her shoulder and pull her into my side, cocooning us both under the blanket. She sighs softly as her grip on my hand tightens.
Neither of us says a word, we just sit here in silence, enjoying the feel of being this close to each other. No matter how much my brain screams at me that this is a bad idea, I can’t deny the peace I feel. Like I might finally be home.
Iabsolutely did not spend the last couple of days thinking about the way Teigan fell asleep in my arms the other night.
Before the film was even over, she was softly snoring away, with her head resting on my chest, my arm tucked around her. The warmth of her perfect little body, the way she snuggled in closer to me, sighing like she was exactly where she wanted to be.
My head is fucked.
I sat there for well over an hour after the film finished, just looking at her. She’s always looked so fucking peaceful when asleep… It’s easy to remember why I started calling her my angel. When she’s asleep in my arms, that’s exactly how she looks.
Yet the whole time, I felt like I was at war with myself. There was a massive part of me that has never been more relaxed. Iabsolutely felt like I was home and at peace for the first time in a long time. So much so that I couldn’t bring myself to move or wake her up, as I didn’t want to ruin the moment.
But there’s also a big part of me, the one that spent years building walls around what was left of my poor little broken black heart. Who knew what we were doing was dangerous territory? Letting her in, even just a little, gives her back the power she once had.
Back then, I was sure she would never hurt me—but she fucking did. I only just survived the last time she broke my heart, I can’t risk it again. No matter how much Teigan enchants me, she’s the only one with the power to break me, and I can’t let that fucking happen.
So I allowed us that time in the bubble, where I could pretend while she slept, that everything was how it used to be, before the world went to shit. I was the boy with his whole future ahead of him, who didn’t know the pressure and brutality that came with this life. While she was the girl with big dreams and an even bigger heart, who loved me despite where I came from.
We had our future mapped out, and it didn’t include any of the shit we’ve endured over the last decade. So for just a couple of hours, I let myself live in that fantasy, wondering what our lives could have been like if she hadn’t broken my heart and left me alone. It’s the perfect dream…but that’s all it’s ever going to be.
As I lifted her in my arms, and she cuddled into my chest with her arms around my neck, while I carried her back to her room, I told myself this was a one-off. Doing this anymore was fucking dangerous. I can feel my shrivelled heart trying to beat again, my soul trying to hope for the first time in forever, and that scares the shit out of me.
I wanted more than anything to carry her into her room, lay her on the bed and cuddle beside her the way we used to. But Ididn’t. I stopped outside her door and woke her up as I lowered her to her feet. I kept a hold on her as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes, looking so fucking cute and confused, wondering how the hell she got here.
“You carried me upstairs?” she mumbles, wiping at her sleep-covered eyes.
“Yes.”
“But you didn’t take me inside and put me to bed?” She looks confused, her gaze narrowing on me like she’s trying to understand.
“Your bedroom is your space. I didn’t want to go in without your permission. Besides, you need to be awake to get changed and into bed, so I thought it was easier to wake you now.”
It sounds like a shit excuse, even to me. If that were true, I’d have woken her downstairs and let her walk up to bed, but I didn’t. I wanted to feel her in my arms for just a little longer, and my cheeks heat as I hope like hell she hasn’t worked that out.
“Thank you,” she replies softly. “Not just for bringing me to bed, but for the whole night. I had a great time.”
A small smile spreads across her lips as she looks up at me with those big grey eyes. “Me too,” I whisper, hating how gentle I sound. I don’t want her to know how much tonight actually meant to me.
“Maybe we can do it again sometime soon?” she asks, her voice sounding hopeful, and my stomach drops.
Teigan has been through too much recently. The last thing she needs is me leading her on, when I know there’s no way I can have her back in my life in that way.
I take a small breath and steel myself for what I know will be a bad reaction. With as little emotion as I can manage, I reply. “Maybe. Get some sleep. I will see you tomorrow.”
Before she even has time to respond, I quickly turn and walk towards my room. Just as I’m turning, I catch a glimpse of theway she flinches, like that one word,‘maybe’, causes her physical pain. I also hear her breath shudder as I walk away, and I know I’ve hurt her.
I’m screaming to turn around, but I can’t bring myself to do it. It would be so easy to go back to her, to comfort her the way I used to, but it’s not that simple anymore. If I don’t protect myself, nobody else will do it for me.
For the next couple of days, I try to keep my distance. I don’t want to go back to ignoring her completely, as that's too hard to do, but I know if I give her even just a little, I risk losing myself. So, instead, I’m polite when I see her. I make small talk with her over coffee and at mealtimes, but other than that, I try to keep out of her way.
I know she’s watching me in that assessing way she does, trying to work out why I’ve flipped again so easily. I’m almost giving myself whiplash, so I can only imagine how she’s feeling.
There are times when it looks like she wants to say more to me, but she bites her lip and keeps whatever it is to herself. That in itself drives me fucking crazy, as I want to know what’s going on it that beautiful mind of hers, but I also know I have no right to ask or know.
On the fourth day after that amazing night, I’m so wound up and confused after walking on egg-shells around her that I decide to throw myself into the gym. Bree has set Teigan up with an online counsellor, and they meet regularly to help Tee work on all the things that she’s been through. She’s in her room right now doing a session, and that has my nerves on edge.
