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“You are at the edge of your seat, aren’t you?”
I denied it and said that I was just curious because he was so riled up about it. He didn’t like to hear that, said he wasn’t riled up at all, but we both knew that it was wrong.
“He said that he isn’t going to stop calling and harassing us until he gets a few minutes to talk to you alone.”
I sighed. “Well, that doesn’t sound too bad,” I said. It really didn’t either. I wasn’t afraid that Hal was going to attack me or anything. I was afraid of something more permanent, like I was going to fall in love with him and not get my heart back. That’s what I was worried about. It was hard to worry about much of anything else when he was around. His presence had always pulled me in and made me do things that I didn’t necessarily want to do.
“He wants to see you in person.”
That was a problem. I felt my body start to buzz. My body wanted him, maybe even was turned on by how he had been so violent and steadfast in his ways. It wasn’t that I liked the violence, but maybe the potential of it had excited me. Maybe that was what scared me. I couldn’t say that I really knew what was going on, but I knew that there was something more to my reaction to Hal. It was my reaction, more than anything, that freaked me out. I had long since thought through and dismissed the first feelings at the hospital. I could hardly explain it to myself though, so even if I wanted to tell Jesse about it, he wouldn’t understand.
“Well, that’s not going to happen.”
“Maybe it can. I just think that we should do something first.”
I wasn’t in the mood for where this was going to go. He looked at me like he wanted something, what he’d wanted for a long time, and ever since he found out I was pregnant, he wanted it even more. Now that I had obviously done it with someone else, he thought that he could demand things of me that he didn’t before. I didn’t know what was different, but it wasn’t something that I was going to change.
“Jesse, we’ve talked about this before. I think it would be weird doing that because you know, I’m pregnant and all.”
Jesse didn’t want to hear that. I could see his eyes were narrowing, and he wanted to fight about it. I didn’t know why Hal was calling out of the blue or what he wanted to talk about, but I wasn’t prepared to deal with the consequences that the call had on Jesse. He was more determined than usual, and I didn’t want to fight. I wasn’t about to give in either. Since I didn’t have a house, I stayed with him, and it made everything more complicated. Telling him no when we slept together at night was harder than it sounded. It wasn’t that I was tempted, I really wasn’t. It was because he just got so upset when I turned him down.
“The damage is already done, Marilyn; you should let me have some fun as well. I can make you feel so good.” That was his line and I have to say, it did nothing to make me think that the two of us should be together.
I didn’t even have the inkling that I wanted to do that. I knew that I should, I knew that I was supposed to believe in all of that, want him, we were getting married after all, but I couldn’t muster up the need that I was supposed to have. I felt bad, but it wasn’t something that I could make happen.
I told Jesse that he wasn’t being a great guy about it. I wanted him to see that he was messing with me, and it wasn’t all that nice. I wanted Jesse to get off of this idea that we were going to be together. We weren’t. I was still trying to figure out where it would go with us, if I would really marry him. If I was going to marry him, it stood to reason that I would likely have to have sex with him. If I wasn’t going to do that, really, what was I doing? Was I just afraid to be alone? At first, it had made sense to run back to him, but now I wasn’t so sure.
As he got closer, his lips found mine and I kissed him back, halfway because his movement toward me was a bit of a shock. I wasn’t ready for it. I didn’t think that we were going to be able to work things out that way, and his lips and tongue were vile to my own. I pushed back onto his chest, and his eyes were smoldering with what looked like hate.
“How can you deny me after everything that I’ve done for you? We were together for almost a year, and you never once let me slip inside of you. Back home for only a few weeks and you are letting some guy all up in you, coming in you, and making you pregnant. There is only so much that I can do, Marilyn. I am a man and I have needs. I will soon be your husband. Is this how you are going to take care of my needs?”
He said the last bit as an accusation, and I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t going to take care of his needs when I didn’t want to. I wasn’t in the mood at all. Maybe it would be different if I had more time to forget about Hal, and Jesse was nicer to me. Maybe then I would be able to want him the way I was supposed to.
“I wasn’t ready to talk about marriage yet, Jesse. I think you already know that too. I wasn’t ready for any of this. You were helping me, and I appreciate it, Jesse, but you know that work has been crazy, my hormones are running wild, it is not the right time for all of this. I am sorry if that isn’t the answer that you want to hear, but it’s the truth. If you want me to leave, I can find a hotel or something to stay in. All of this can be backed out of, Jesse. I know that I have put you in a weird position. I am sorry for that.”
He waved me off, worried that I meant it. I should have distanced myself from the beginning, but familiarity and the devil I knew had been enticing. I wasn’t going to say that it was a good idea, but it was the one that I had gone with, for better or worse. It was hard not to see that it was for the better.
“I am not going to push you, Marilyn, but when we are married, we will have to be really married. The baby won’t be an excuse forever.”
I took it as a threat. It certainly felt that way to me. I didn’t want to marry Jesse. Honestly, I wished that I hadn’t run back to him when I’d been hurt by Hal. I had just been so hurt and I didn’t want to feel like I was unworthy of a guy. Hal had pushed me to the side, but Jesse was there at the right time to pick me back up. What else was I supposed to do?
I was able to convince him that it wasn’t the right time. I was sure that he wasn’t going to listen forever. He would lose his cool eventually, already had partially a few times. I worried about what the future held for us, but there was nothing else I could do but wait and prolong the inevitable. I didn’t want to look at it that way, but I knew it was the truth.
When he left me, I sighed loudly. Was I ever going to get over Hal? Why was he calling me now, after all this time? My arms wrapped around myself, cradling my stomach. I could never tell him about the baby. I didn’t want him to think that Jesse and I had to be together. It was bad enough that he didn’t know the baby was his, but I didn’t want him thinking it was Jesse’s. I didn’t know why I still cared what he thought of me, I shouldn’t. I didn’t know if I could ever get over Hal.
18
Hal
When I realized that I was going to have to go to Marilyn myself, I worried about how that was going to work out. She was involved with Jesse and from what he’d said to me on the phone, they were happy together and the last thing that they needed was me getting in the middle of it. I tried to explain to him that I needed to make sure that she was okay, but he didn’t hear me. He thought that it had something to do with me getting her back. I told him that it wasn’t the case. It really wasn’t either. I wasn’t there to get her back, I just needed to make sure that she was okay. If Marilyn was happy and where she wanted to be, who was I to get involved with it?
He didn’t make me feel any better. He would have put her on the phone, but I knew that it wouldn’t be enough. I instead was forced to go to where they were and find her myself. It wasn’t that complicated; I knew where he lived. I had all of the information I could ever want from Jesse, so it made it easy. The problem was that I didn’t know what I was supposed to do next. It was hard for me to really focus on much of anything else.
As soon as I arrived in the city, I set off to find her. While my first instinct was to just go to his house, that wasn’t going to end well. I didn’t want to have to take Jesse out to make it work, not until I knew the situation, but I sure the hell wanted to. He had Marilyn now, got to touch her and kiss her. I would hate every second that I had to look at it if it was ever done in front of me. I would hate to see that, but I knew that I would at some point.
Casing the place, I felt like Jesse had and I could see why he did it. I wasn’t going to do anything bad, I loved her, but I had a feeling that Jesse loved her too, and she had picked him. As long as it was her choice, there was really nothing more that I could do about it. I just wanted to make sure that it was on her terms and then I would walk away from it all and go back to Coloma and my quiet life. Marilyn was always meant to have this exciting life. I was never supposed to be a part of it.
Even though I felt sorry for myself in some ways, in others I knew that it was all for the best. Likely, Jesse was less broken than I was and wouldn’t scare her like I did.
