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“So, let’s just cut to the chase, Marilyn. Who do you need protection from?” I finally asked her flat-out. I hoped that it would be a better way to get some answers. It was clear that there was something going on, so why wouldn’t she just tell me what it was? Marilyn seemed practically embarrassed.
Marilyn sighed. “Well, it’s not anything to do with my job. It’s personal and I am not so worried about it as I am just trying to be cautious.”
“So? What’s up?” I didn’t know why she was being so coy about it. Then, I realized why. She said that it was an ex-boyfriend that was being a bit stalkerish that she was worried about. I didn’t know why I didn’t want to hear about her dating someone else. Of course, she had. It had been a long time since we’d been together, but I still didn’t like it. The feeling came out of the blue and threw me off.
“Have you talked to the police about him?”
Marilyn shrugged. “I am trying to keep this as discreet as possible. I have clients that wouldn’t want to be in the limelight with me. I need to keep this all hush, and I was hoping that a good security situation would make sleeping a little easier. I moved back home for the slow pace and safety.”
It was the way she said it that threw me off. It was just like before, all I wanted to do was keep her safe, and my worry for her was immediate. I wanted to know who her ex was and what he had done to make her come back and set up security.
“I will make sure that you sleep sound,” I heard myself promise. Damnit. What was I doing? This wasn’t part of the plan.
She thanked me and my heart lurched in my chest. It was silly, I know, but I couldn’t help it. I was already going down a road I knew would do me no good. Really, what was I thinking?
4
Marilyn
Hal was asking questions that I didn’t want to answer. I know that it was just the job, but I still felt strange when he asked about Jesse, and I didn’t want to talk about him. I had to, of course. Jesse was the main reason that I needed security, but to Hal it was far worse. Not only was I admitting the complication, but I was also having to say it to another ex-boyfriend that hadn’t cared enough to hold onto me. It was strange how different it was, but how it was the same in the way it made me feel. I was never just right it seemed, always too much or not enough.
When Hal said that he was going to make sure that nothing happened to me, I can’t say how happy I was to hear it. I knew then that I shouldn’t lean in when it came to Hal. I’d fallen for those eyes and dimples before, and it hadn’t gotten me much of anywhere. I wouldn’t make the same mistake again.
“Are you okay?” Hal asked, his eyes beseeching mine like I was injured. I told him that I was fine. He asked about windows and doors, so I showed him what he wanted to know. It was easier than trying to put words together around him. He really made me feel a certain sort of way. I tried my best to pull myself back, but it wasn’t like I could stop it. Old feelings were coming back to the surface like an oil slick, and I wanted to avoid that if at all possible.
We talked for a while longer about the security I wanted, and I have to say that he was pretty professional. Here I was checking him out, and he was talking to me like I was someone that he didn’t know. That brought back memories that I could have lived without. Hal was again the one that wasn’t that interested, and I was acting like an idiot.
“If this is weird, I can go into the city and find someone to take care of this,” I blurted out, at once embarrassing myself. He just looked at me like I’d lost my mind, and I wished that I could take it back. This wasn’t what I wanted to say. I wanted to ask him why he wasn’t looking at me and why he didn’t care.
“It’s not weird for me, Marilyn. Is it for you?” Hal looked so handsome staring back at me. I had nothing to say to him. I’d said too much.
“It isn’t comfortable.” I didn’t know what that meant, but it sounded good enough. It was better than the truth, it was killing me.
He looked at me suddenly, our eyes met, and I was trying hard to focus. He was putting all of his focus on me, and it was hard to turn away. I tried to see past what was going on, but it was hard. “Why would you feel bad around me, Marilyn? We are old history, and I don’t even really remember what happened between us. I doubt that you remember me that much.”
It made me scoff, the lies that he was coming up with. I couldn’t help the disparaging sound coming from between my lips. He didn’t remember. Was I that insignificant to him? I knew that he had wanted me then, but I didn’t know that I was so low on his totem pole that he didn’t even remember what happened between us. That seemed unfair, considering that I remembered minute by minute.
“Right, you are right. I don’t know why this has to be weird.” I tried to sound breezy about it, but I had a feeling that I was failing miserable on that front. I was so worked up and here we were talking about security in my house because of another guy. How was this not weird? Only a man that didn’t care would be able to see it as just another day. Why did that hurt so much?
Hal smiled back at me, my heart did a little jig in my chest, and I was sure that it was because he just looked at me one way. Why was I so susceptible to him? He just told me that he didn’t remember me and all I could think of was how badly I wanted him. It made absolutely no sense whatsoever.
“I can’t believe you are back here. I never thought you would come back,” I told him.
He said that he felt the same way about me, and I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t think I would find myself back here in Coloma either, but here I was. It was good to be back in some ways; I missed the slower pace. I still had to go into the city a few times a week for clients and court, but I was happy to be back where there was only one or two stop lights in the whole town. Coloma was a small city that didn’t change, no matter what time it was.
“It’s nice to slow down. I ran from college straight to a career, so it has been a mile a minute ever since. I want to take it easy for a while.”
“With good security,” Hal reminded me. I sighed and agreed, I did need that part too. I wanted to feel safe that the city didn’t follow me here and it just felt like the thing that needed to happen.
“Right, well, sometimes men don’t like to let go. I know that you don’t know anything about that, but there are some guys that no matter what you do, they don’t want to take a breakup. I hope that Jesse doesn’t make too much of a mess about it, but he is freaking me out.”
Hal again said that he wouldn’t let anything happen to me and while I believed him, I was still worried because he wasn’t going to be around. He had his own life to live, just like I did. While it was nice to have fanciful thoughts about the two of us together, it was never going to happen. I knew that much if nothing else.
“It must be hard for you, all these women coming to you for help. You were always that guy, whether you wanted it or not.”
Hal grinned. “I like being that guy for you.”
I didn’t know if he was flirting or not. He had no suggestion in his tone, and I didn’t get a chance to see the look in his eyes. I had no idea what to think of him any longer. He honestly just made me wonder if I was coming or going half the time.
