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Since I didn’t say something one way or another, it became this weird word that was lingering between us. Finally, he wrote it all up and said that he would have a proposal for me to go over in a couple of days. I told him that I didn’t need approval. “I have always trusted your judgment, Hal. If it wasn’t for you practically pushing me to go into the law program, I don’t know if I would have. You saved me and didn’t even know it.”
Hal got this queer look on his face. “Oh, I knew it.”
It was the way that he said it that made me look again. “What does that mean?” Why had he said it like that? I didn’t know why, but his words made me feel weird. It felt like there was something there to know, but I didn’t get to know it.
He shrugged and his face was neutral again. “You know that it’s all good, Marilyn. I knew that you were going to do great things and you have. If you had stayed around here, you would have missed all those opportunities, and all those people you have helped save would still be fighting without you. It had to happen.”
I stared, mouth agape. Here I was thinking that he had no idea what was going on and didn’t remember, but it seemed like he remembered just fine. It was the way that he had said it too, like he had made a great sacrifice. It felt like that when I’d left him. He was the price I had to pay for money and fame. Looking at him now, feeling the way that he made me feel again, just like before, it didn’t seem like a price that was worth it. I would always wonder what would have happened if we had stayed together and I hadn’t gone to law school. Would things have been different? Right in that moment I felt like they would have been. I could see flashes of a life that wasn’t mine but could have been. I felt sadness wash over me.
“Maybe it didn’t,” I started, unsure. Hal didn’t want to hear it though.
“Trust me, Marilyn, this is how it was supposed to go. You are better off this way, with the money and fame that you deserve. You wanted to help people and you have. You wanted people to know your name and they do.”
It was sweet that he was trying to make me feel better about it all, but the truth was that it hadn’t felt like it was enough, just because I’d waited all this time for him. How was I supposed to feel knowing that it would never lead to us? It felt like a waste, not mandatory.
“You think it was worth it?” I asked him.
“I think that I would have done anything to make you happy before, and I am likely still like that.”
5
Hal
There wasn’t a time that I’d ever said such things out loud to Marilyn. I wish that I hadn’t said any of it, though there was nothing I could do once it was out. I tried my best to figure out what I was doing wrong, but I didn’t know if I was going to be able to or not. I was constantly trying to forget about Marilyn. It wasn’t like I just started thinking about her. I had been thinking about her for quite some time, like since I pushed her away years ago.
We parted ways and I didn’t know what to think of the conversation. It had been going so well, I had been keeping it professional. It had felt near impossible, but I was doing it. I was trying to act like I didn’t care, didn’t remember, and she was being just as light about it. I knew that it would relieve the pressure that she felt. Or at least I hoped that it would relieve the pressure that I felt. It didn’t.
At the end there I’d lost it and I’d said too much. I didn’t mean to. I was just simply trying to let her know the truth. She didn’t need to know it. I wish that I could have kept my mouth shut about how I felt about her future. I knew that it was going to be great for her, but something had changed in the way that she looked at me. I had revealed too much and if it wasn’t weird before, it definitely was now. The only problem was that I didn’t care. I tried so hard to care, but I really couldn’t be bothered. I wanted her to know.
We set up the appointment to get her taken care of and then I had to bid her farewell. That was the hardest part, telling her goodbye. It felt like before, and I was feeling a bit raw. I thought of Marilyn’s smile the whole way back to the office. I made a few calls about some of the material that I was going to need for her job and then I made a few more inquiries. Because of my military experience, I worked with the police quite a bit. It meant that I did some cheap training for their new recruits, and I got some help on the back end. At the moment, I wanted to find out about Marilyn’s ex. His name was Jesse Gray, she had slipped the last name in conversation, and I wanted to know what kind of guy he was.
Karen was late for work again, but she had a good excuse. She was in love, and I was jealous of how easily she was able to fall in love. Not only was Karen able to fall in love in record time, but the way she does it is clever. She never leaves more than she can take with her. So, if things go wrong, she won’t lose too much. It is figurative and straight up. I needed to take a page from her book and not let myself go all in.
I spent the afternoon trying to think of anything else but Marilyn and the mess that I was in with her. I wanted to think about it as best as I could, but it was hard. I focused as much as I could on my work, though Marilyn was now my work. Her floor plan was problematic and since she had a personal issue with an ex-boyfriend, she was probably categorized in more danger than other housewives that I worked with. Marilyn was no housewife. She was a fairly famous lawyer that had some seriously dangerous clients. Even though it was her ex causing her trouble now, there would likely be more enemies in the future. I needed to keep her safe, which meant that I was going to have to get all the information I could.
The evening dragged on, and I stayed behind after Dale and Karen went home. I was there for the report that I knew would come, it was just later than I had hoped for. I couldn’t move forward with her security plans until I got the whole picture. When I did get it, it would likely be more than I wanted to hear.
By the looks of the papers I got back, he wasn’t such a great guy. Not only did Jesse have a record that was bad enough, but he apparently had a hard time letting go when he was in love with someone. He had two charges of stalking on his record, and I started to get a bad feeling from him. Did Marilyn know how he was? How long had she dated him? I was nervous now that maybe a security system wasn’t going to do it. Marilyn needed monitoring and maybe someone there to keep her safe. She lived alone, and I swear I wanted to convince her that she needed someone to stay over for a time. I knew just the person for the job too.
I wanted to call Marilyn back and tell her what I had found out. Did she know how bad he was? I had already embarrassed myself with her though. I figured that I should keep all the crazy to myself if that was possible. I didn’t want Marilyn to think that I was completely crazy, but I knew that she might. It was hard to focus on anything else. I tried to get work done, but my mind kept going to Jesse and what would happen if I said nothing. I decided I couldn’t live with that what-if.
I called her back and Marilyn picked up pretty quickly. “I told you to stop calling. I don’t even know how you got this number.” Marilyn’s tone was off. She sounded like she had been crying. My first thought was that it was Jesse, the guy that I had just learned about. Was he harassing her?
“Marilyn, it’s me. You told me to give you a call when I had some more information.”
“Right, sorry. I thought you were someone else,” she said.
“Who did you think I was?” I asked, knowing that she was talking about Jesse. Why was she so upset? What had he said to her? I didn’t even know the guy, but I hated him. I wanted to rip his damn face off for making her sound that way. Why would anyone ever mess with Marilyn? She was the sweetest thing and even after all this time, I knew that part of her hadn’t changed. Marilyn was sweet, kind, and she didn’t deserve some guy messing with her.
“It doesn’t matter.”
I disagreed. “I think it does matter. What is it that you’re not telling me?”
She was quiet for a time and then she said that it was no big deal. “You know, I told you about my ex. He got my number and won’t stop calling. He’s called five times in the last hour.”
“That doesn’t sound good, Marilyn. Why didn’t you call me?”
She scoffed. “I can’t run to you when someone gets drunk and calls me. He is harmless, I think. He is just getting some steam off, that’s all.”
