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I am, I agreed silently. But only for tonight.
fifteen
Felicity
"Wait. Let me get this right." Maddy stared at me like I'd just told her I shat rainbows. "You snuck out? After getting your world rocked?"
I sighed for the hundredth time this afternoon, fingering the straw in my smoothie. So what if I woke up extra early this morning, gathered my things, and left Aaron's penthouse? I'd been clear from the start that all I'd wanted was pleasure, and he knew that.
Didn't he?
Besides, I'd been terrified when I'd woken up, and he'd had his body tightly wrapped around mine. My head had been resting peacefully on his hard chest, and he'd had one arm draped over my waist while our legs were intertwined.
It just felt too intimate.
"I panicked, okay?" I sighed again, staring at my very bewildered friend. "The entire thing was too much."
"And your brilliant plan was to run? You realize you both work at the same company, and all you've done is make a fool of yourself."
Jeez. Maddy took tough love to a whole new level.
"Probably," I nodded. "But I just needed to get away and think for a while."
We were at the 501 Bistro, our favorite cafe in downtown Manhattan. I'd just gotten home from Aaron's when Maddy's hundredth message popped into my phone. She suggested I tell her everything that had happened last night. In fact, it had been her genius idea to dress differently and wear something with a zipper.
According to her, it was the best invitation to sex a woman could give a man. Aaron certainly did not need that kind of invitation, but it wasn't a terrible idea.
I swear, I had no idea why I listened to her. Maddy's suggestions were always rated NC-17, which resulted in me doing something bad. But maybe, deep down, she hadn't suggested anything I hadn't already wondered for myself.
Hadn't I been the one to say, “Fuck me?” Had I not been so eager that I'd told him about my first love?
Granted, he didn't know everything, but still. It was more than even Maddy knew.
"If you ask me, you're nothing more than a fucking chicken, babes. It's fucking Saturday. Anyone who has a man is with him getting dicked the fuck down, and you decided it was best to sneak out." Maddy shook her head in disapproval before closing her mouth over the straw of her Strawberry Blast and taking a sip. "That's cold, Fliss."
I frowned. "Aaron is not my man."
"Might as well be." She shrugged. "He fucked you, didn't he?"
Could she be any louder? I looked around just to be sure no unsuspecting victims heard her before answering, "Yes, but—"
"And you obviously liked it, didn't you? What, you came three, four times?"
"Three, and stop being so loud, Maddy."
"Whatever. He obviously likes you, and you already admitted you like him, so what gives?"
Everything, I wanted to scream. Every fucking thing gave. But she wouldn't understand. Aside from the fact that I'd had to mold a new Felicity that I wasn’t confident enough to not break if shit hit the fan, there was also the one problem that Aaron deserved better.
I was not the woman who would give him what he wanted. He'd said he'd only wanted to give me pleasure, but we both knew he was lying. Last night, the gentle yet firm way he'd held me and all the sweet, empty words he'd growled into my ear as we chased completion was not the type of affection one gave to a person and called it pleasure.
No, Aaron wanted to break down every wall I'd built around my heart. He wanted to ravish me from the inside out without any worry that if he looked deep enough, what he'd find was repulsive and ugly.
And fuck it, I was scared. If that happened, he would see the part of me that I kept hidden away because she was ugly and pathetic. Low. Ungraceful. Wounded. Defeated.
A part of me I was desperately holding on to because it was a reminder that there absolutely could not be a repeat of four years ago.
Sleeping with him had been a mistake. I'd known it before it even happened, and yet it was clearer than day now.
