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“All I kept thinking about the whole ride here,” she continued, “was how I couldn’t even stand to be in the front seat of the ambulance because it meant I couldn’t see you, and I just wanted to keep you safe, which was ridiculous when I was the reason you were in that ambulance in the first place.”
He pressed his lips to her forehead, and a feeling of warmth and safety better than any blanket spread over her from the spot where his lips made contact all the way to the tips of her toes.
“I just wanted to keep you safe,” he echoed. “But we’re human. That makes us strong and stubborn. I couldn’t have stopped Tess from mounting a spooked horse in a storm any more than you could have stopped me from coming after you on a bike I had no business riding.” He buried his face in her hair and sighed. “I spent three years blaming myself for something I couldn’t control and thought the only way I could fix the past was to keep a tight grip on the present. But I think the evidence speaks for itself that I can’t protect myself from getting hurt no matter how hard I try.” He laughed, then coughed, then once again swore.
She skimmed her fingers along his hairline, then pressed her palm gently over the damp washcloth. “And you can’t keep me from sometimes going against better judgment and jeopardizing my own safety. I push boundaries.”
“I stay safely inside them. Well…until tonight.”
She smiled easily now, and god, it felt good to be like this with him, even if it was less than optimal circumstances.
“Maybe it’s not about being safe,” Beth said. “Maybe it’s about trust. Like, we have to trust each other to try—I don’t know—not to hurt ourselves or each other.”
He nodded, then let out a shaky breath. “I think it’s more than that.” He squeezed her, she guessed, as best he could with one arm and let out a sigh. “I need to learn how to let go and know that I’ll be okay.” Eli cleared his throat. “I know about New York.”
Her breath hitched, and she buried her face in his shoulder, squeezing her eyes shut. If she never moved from this position, she’d never have to face him. She’d never have to leave. And she’d never have to chase a dream she might be destined never to actually catch.
Except if Beth didn’t move, her muscles would grow stiff, and she’d be stuck.
If she never left, she’d never know for sure if she was choosing Eli or choosing to run in the opposite direction of her fear.
And if she never chased the dream all the way to the finish line, she’d always wonder.
Beth propped herself on her elbow and finally looked at him.
His glassy blue eyes nearly did her in, but she had to see this through. They both did.
“All my life,” she told him, “since I was four years old, I’ve wanted one thing—to perform in the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular as a Radio City Rockette. That was it. One thing. One silly little thing. Until now.”
“It’s not silly, Beth. Not silly at all.” Despite the inherent sadness in his eyes, Eli smiled that private yet undeniable smile she knew was only for her. “But…has something changed?” he asked with mock innocence.
She nodded with a grin. “I came to this town, and I met this…horse…”
Eli groaned and let his head thud lightly against his pillow. Probably not the best move for a guy with a concussion.
Beth laughed. “I’m kidding. I mean, I love Midnight, but I haven’t spent the past few weeks considering whether to give up on New York just so I wouldn’t lose her.” Her lips twitched, the smile on her face suddenly feeling like the biggest and boldest lie she’d ever told. Because how could she leave him…and how could she not?
“I love you,” Eli blurted, and Beth’s eyes grew wide. He let out a nervous laugh. “I love you,” he said again, more surety in his tone. “And it’s the most terrifying thing to say or think or feel. For three years, I convinced myself that what happened the night I lost Tess and Fury was my fault. I should have known what to do. I should have protected them. I should have, should have, should have…”
He squeezed his eyes shut, and Beth wasn’t sure if it was the pain from his memories, the physical pain, or both. But she could tell he had more to say, so she did her best to remain patient even though he’d just said what he said, and she was desperate to say it too.
“So,” Eli finally continued, “I wore my loss as this badge, like it was my penance not only to display it but also to preserve it. But that badge turned into—I don’t know—a suit of armor, I guess. I shut everyone out, and they stayed out. But you didn’t.”
“It’s because I’m mighty,” she told him, her whole body both abuzz and lit from within. If she opened her mouth and a firefly flew out, she wouldn’t even be surprised.
“The mightiest,” he added.
Beth knew she was strong, but somehow having Eli see that in her during a time when she felt her weakest made her believe it even more.
He was a closed door and a closed book, and there might have even been a dead bolt or two keeping everyone out. But Beth had found a way in.
“And also,” she added, wondering if she should tell him. Or was it simply the time to let him have his moment?
No. She shook her head. From here on out, there would be nothing unspoken between them. Hell, there’d be nothing between them period.
Except maybe around three thousand miles.
“I already kind of sort of knew,” Beth admitted, then winced. “That…you love me. You sort of told me right before you passed out, but maybe you didn’t mean it then? I mean, you’d just been thrown from a motorcycle and were probably in a ridiculous amount of pain, so I doubt you even knew what you were saying. And you were concussed!” She let out a nervous laugh. “You probably don’t even remember saying it, right?” Oh god. Stop talking, Beth. But she couldn’t stop, nor could she escape, because she was trapped in this tiny bed with him spewing words she probably wouldn’t remember thirty seconds from now. “I don’t know,” she continued. “It felt like cheating to accept that declaration, so I tried to forget it. But you went and said it again, and now I think that maybe you really did love me before tonight. And just in case you think that I’m the only one mighty enough to claw her way through someone’s emotional armor, I’ll have you know that before you, I never just said all the things I was feeling when I felt them. But I feel so much with you, Eli. Maybe too much, and when you say things like you love me—twice—I don’t know… I mean, I can’t… It’s just… How do I…”
