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Right. The investment. There’s this big investment the team has been working on. I know we’re close. We’re on the verge. I love saying that. It feels so important. If I’m honest, I’m not sure what we’re on the verge of, but it feels big. Monumental, even. At any rate, it’s attracted his big investor friend from Tennessee.
And we need it, too. We’ve brought on our first round of entry level support team. I’ve done my part very well, if I do say so myself. He says so, too, though, which helps. So do the other senior members. I have trouble believing them, but I try. We’ve got a business major at one of the most prestigious business schools in the country interning with us. And our executive team is finalized (one of the woman’s husbands joined the team and the two of them made a sizable initial investment. But now we need to keep the momentum going.)
“You’re not stupid. You’re the smartest person I know.” Which he probably doesn’t need to hear, but maybe he does. Even geniuses need their ego stroked, and it costs me nothing.
“If it doesn’t, I may need to furlough some of the younger team. Some of them may leave, of course. But we only have payroll for three more periods,” he shrugs.
“I can make up the difference.”
What? Where did that come from?
“I didn’t tell you this to try to get your money,” he says, frowning.
“But I want to do this.” And I’m realizing it’s true. “I saved up some money when I was working abroad. Quite a bit, actually. I didn’t really have any expenses. And I have excellent credit, you can have that if you need.”
I want to step up, too, and claim my position.Thismight do it. I would feel like a true contributor. Yes, this could do it for me. I mean, I’ll be paying my own salary and then some (yes, it’s a loan and he’ll repay me, but it’s still more than I’m required to do). What more can they ask of me?And what more can you ask of yourself, my annoying little voice asks.
* * *
March 30
Whew.
I — I think most of us — need a breather (me, from several fronts).We deserve it, or at least we need it. I’m not sure anyone deserves anything. I dislike the idea that any of us are owed. But I also don’t want to burn the team out, and neither does David.
I’d somehow stayed focus on a single purpose for three whole months.I think that deserves a glass or two. Maybe even three or four. Damn, you’d think this turned me into an alcoholic, as well as a workaholic.My dirty little secret? I don’t drink any more now than I did before I entered the startup world. I drink sparkling apple cider in champagne glasses. I can do what I want. I’m an adult.
I’m back and forth every other week, which nicely aligns with his child-free week. So, we get to spend lots of time together, going to movies, trying out new restaurants. It’s so nice to have a friend who is -almost- always there for you. Sometimes the twins have a hockey game. Since David coaches, I come to the games as his cheerleader. At least as often as I can. The twins act like they hate it, but I think they like having someone in the stands for them. I don’t mind, either. The hockey parents are super nice, and I made friends with two of the hockey moms. I mean, they are only four, so they’re basically just learning to skate and move around. But they take it so seriously and really try to work together and listen to the coaches (sometimes). It’s adorable.
It’s especially nice at work when David joins me and the other coworkers for afterwork drinks. A new bar opened on the first floor of our building. It had a little alcove in the back, and we would squirrel away with our drinks and gossip about work. He always orders the same drink, which I find cute. I usually order something bubbly.
But it’s all worth it, because his friend agrees to invest into the company. Which means we can retain our new team members and nurture and build the smaller projects with new clients with fresh ideas. All the plans are ready for take-off!
I can’t help paranoid feelings around his ex. Whenever I see her, I think about the subtle little comments the kids have let on to me. That make me feel like I’m not good enough. It’s like in her mind, I’m somehow poaching on “her” family. Never mind, she has her new family. I hear her new guy has kids. Older, though? I don’t think they live with him. The kids talked about it, but I didn’t want to pry. Of course, she never mentions this new guy at work. The story is that she and David are amicably divorced, but in the office, I still feel she’s playing the part of the grieving victim who lost her children. Ah, well, hypocrisy is a real thing.
I suppose she has to keep up appearances since she’s still working in the suite with her assistant whom she insists on calling her secretary. A bit outmoded, but her secretary is the nicest to me. So I try to be nice in return. I do my best to pick up friends wherever I can. I’m trying to connect to the older team members, but the distance between us is too much for me to overcome. They are mentors to me, some of them, and steady support. But I wouldn’t call them friends.
* * *
April 8
Sissy is turningout to be that friend. She and I are close in age – both physical and soul age. And I’m starting to love working with her. She breaks the stereotype, “If you're old, you have no heart.” She is no nonsense. But I tease. She does have the biggest heart. I can see right through to it.
I guess she told David that she likes me because you can spin me in any direction, tell me to go, and I will go and do it. She has no room in her life for incompetence, which might be her greatest future challenge. She cannot forgive human behavior. But maybe she’s right to distrust.
Even though she’s my age, she still treats me like she’s my mother. I do think she sees herself as the mother hen, protecting the flock. And I am the one she feels is most in need of protection. She thinks most of the employees, at least the younger ones, are idiots. As well as the fact that, even though she’s only an intern, she’s about to graduate from one of the most prestigious business schools in the country. We’re lucky to have her. I think she just loved the idea of helping a company start up from nothing. After all, she’s probably going to sell her soul to one of the big tech companies in a year. This may be her last chance for any innovation.
The rest of the youth squad is might actually be not as smart as I thought when I interviewed them. Well educated idiots, but I suppose idiocy doesn’t discriminate. Maybe idiots are not the right term. They are smart, but they just don’t apply themselves. They seem to have no urgency, no pride in their work. I mentored them to create their own place within the company if they wanted to make it long term. Whatever they wanted, so long as it held value to the company. Their mentors within the senior team tried to ingrain that message in them. And yet.
It’s a mixed blessing, though.
Tensions arise fairly quickly at the office. They can tell my closeness to David, and, I suppose naturally, they resent it. They think I’m treated with special attention. I wonder if his ex is spreading rumors (no stop it, this is all in your head). I pretend not to notice, or care, but it becomes increasingly tricky keeping my feelings off of my face. So of course, office gossip spreads like wildfire (and it’s not like we have a huge office or anything, it’s not even a dozen of us.) It’s fun to be the center of that (/sarcasm).I didn’t know, at the time, that how often the secretary dates the boss. Young and naive. And I was such the perfect cliché. Except he and I aren’t actually dating.Am I friend-zoned?
But it’s kind of nice to think about. And if I’m gonna get the flakanyway…I might as well do something about it? No, no, that’s dumb. I can’t let weird peer pressure influence my life decisions. I have a future to think about.
* * *
April 20, 10:30am
