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Laura has barely spoken to me since the last text messages I received from her when she left for her parents’ house. Just a few texts here and there, and then a final text message that said she didn’t think it was working. Nothing else. Then she then blocked me on every form of social media. I don’t know what I did wrong. I know there’s no such thing as a perfect breakup. Nobody likes breakups. But I don’t even know if thisisa breakup. Were we ever together?
Ugh, where’s the rest of my pizza?
August 24, 8:45pm
“There’s something I need to tell you,” I say to him that evening. He puts up his hand.
“I need to tell you something first” he lets out. “So my ex came to me, pretty upset. She said that you were the one who told me I needed to divorce her. That she was no good for me, and I could do better with you. That she’d wasted all those years trying to save her marriage.”
“I never said that!”Plus, I thought she once told me she was the one who left him. But I let that go. Maybe I’m remembering wrong.
“I know you didn’t. You weren’t even in our lives when the divorce happened. When we were trying to work it out, and, frankly, neither of worked that hard to keep it together. But somehow, in her mind, you became the reason why she and I divorced. From a narcissist, an accusation is an admission, however. That was her admission that she stopped trying long before she admitted to seeing hew new boyfriend. I mean, it’s not like it wasn’t obvious to everyone else. She posted pictures about waking up with him in hotel rooms to all her friends, even during the separation. But— I guess I just needed to hear it from her. Proof that we’re better off apart.
“Anyway, that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about. I just wanted it said, so that she can’t exploit it in the future. You’ve seen what she’s capable of when she gas lights people with different stories. I don’t want to talk about it again. I’ll handle it, it’s my problem, not yours.”
I’m fine with that. I didn’t want to talk to her in the first place. And I don’t want to talk to her again to fix anything.As I’m thinking that thought, I’m immediately curious about what they will talk about, but, no! Bad Kitten. It’s none of your business.
“It’s Laura.”
What? Thisismy business.
“What are you talking about?” I ask him.
“I saw her when I went to San Francisco.”
“I know. I just thought she’d been too busy for you.” And me, I think. “Look, it’s probably nothing important. I think Laura and I broke up. I feel like I let her down, somehow. Maybe she should have been The Girlfriend in my life. But I didn’t even think she wanted that.”
“I think she went back to John. That’s what I needed to tell you.” He doesn’t look happy to tell me, either.
“Why wouldn’t she tell me?” I’m hurt, I realize. I don’t know why. It’s her life, but…why wouldn’t she just tell me? Plus, nagging feeling, John doesn’t like me. He never liked her even being friends with me. If she’s with him, will she even talk to me again?
“She was, and she wasn’t. She almost didn’t see me at all, but then she came and met me at drink near the airport. She said she thought she and I had a connection. That you were this wild spirit, but she and I…we wanted a home. She thought we owed each other a chance to make a real home together.”
“Oh.” I make a sound as if I’m going to say something, but I don’t know what to say.
“Kitten. That was the worst thing she could have said to me. What you and I haveisa real home. Where it matters. Maybe one day, you’ll buy a place and I’ll live in it with you. But right now, what we have is awesome.” He grins like a little kid.
“Really? I’m not keeping you from something more real? ”
“In a perfect world, maybe, but that ship had sailed a long time ago. And I trust you not to get between us if someone new shows up, because we can expand our love to more than just the two of us. You’ve seen that.”
“True.,” I allow myself a little smile of my own. His happiness is infectious.
“So what’s going to happen to Laura?,” I ask, curling up into his arms.
“I don’t know. She’ll probably get back together with John or hopefully find a nicer guy, get married, settle down with kids. Just like her family wants for her. It’s not a bad life, after all.”
“No, it’s not. I hope she’s happy.” And I mean it. I’m happy. I want her to be happy, too.
“I somehow doubt it. I think the summer was her last attempt at finding true happiness,” he responds. “I just hope misery doesn’t consume her like it has my ex.”
“The question is whether you still want to be with me,” he asks, and I can tell from his tone he means it. He’s not sure if I want him.
“Yes. Fuck them both.”Okay, so maybe I’m taking the rejection a little personally. I’ll get over it by tomorrow, or a week from now. My indignation never lasts long. But right now, fuck them.
I will not be swayed. I will not be scared off. He is my Master. Yes. Master. He will help master me, bring out everything good in me. And I will serve him faithfully. I will do make this work. Whatever this is. I’ll just have to do it without her, that’s all. And I guess I’m a little sad about it.
It is sad when relationships end. I’m allowed to grieve a bit for what could have been. I know it’s popular to say, “Oh, well, I’m better off without them!” My life is better off than what it needed to be for her. His life is better than what it needed to be for, well, Her. But neither of us are better off for losing these people. We still wanted them in our lives. They still brought happiness to us. We have less now, because they are gone. That cannot be denied.
