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Her excitement was contagious and soon we were both smiling. Sadie stayed on my couch while I called, and I didn’t miss the way her brow arched when I explained that Connor had reached out and suggested I call. The nurse on the line knew exactly who I was talking about, and before I knew it I had an appointment for tomorrow to meet with Dr. Cunningham.
Sadie stayed late, and we spent most of the night gorging on pizza, catching up, and talking about everything and nothing. It was the exact kind of night I didn’t realize I needed.
But when she left, I couldn’t deny that the void Connor’s absence had left was still noticeable. Maybe less so when Sadie was around, but in the short time we’d been together, he’d managed to embed himself into my very being—or at least that’s what it felt like.
As I tossed and turned, I wondered if he’d ever be able to open up to someone, and tried to ignore the pain of knowing I’d never get that piece of him, no matter how badly I wanted it.
FRIENDS SUPPORT YOU EVEN WHEN THEY THINK YOU’RE STUPID
CONNOR
This show was dumb, but the remote was too far away to bother changing it to something else. Why did Grant even have cable? Didn’t he know people our age only used streaming services anymore? The door opened and Grant walked in, letting out a heavy sigh before he dropped his keys on the little bowl he had on the kitchen counter. His wallet was next.
“Hey, will you grab me a beer?” I hollered at him from the couch.
“No.”
I glanced up at him, sure I heard him wrong, but his glare kept my snarky reply from escaping my mouth.
He took a step closer to the couch. “What the fuck are you doing, man?”
I pointed to the TV. “I know this show is stupid, but I’ve only been watching it for like twenty minutes.”
“I’m not talking about the TV show”—he glanced over and grimaced—“which I one hundred percent agree is stupid. I’m talking about Jenna.”
I looked away, focusing on the screen as if this show was the most interesting thing I’d ever watched while I tried to ignore the way my heart felt like it was being poked with a seven-inch needle. “Oh.”
He moved until he was in front of me, blocking my view of the TV. “Oh? That’s seriously all you have to say? Why aren’t you fighting for her? Sadie came into work and practically ripped me a new asshole telling me what a spectacularly shitty friend I had, and I couldn’t even argue with her because I have no fucking clue why you’re sitting on my couch and letting the best thing you ever had slip right through your goddamn fingers.”
I shoved off the couch and headed toward the guest room. I didn’t need to hear this from him—I was beating myself up enough as it was.
“Connor,” he called to my back, but I just kept walking, my pulse spiking and my stomach tightening.
There was an energy swirling in my gut—one I always got when I was about to blow—and Grant didn’t deserve to be on the other end of my self-loathing.
But he just wouldn’t quit.
“Connor! Jenna may have let you walk away for being a fucking dumbass, but I’ve been your best friend for as long as I can remember, and I’m not about to let you fuck this up any more than you already have. Turn around and fucking talk.”
That was it. I spun around and got in his face. “You think I don’t want to? You think I want to hold all this shit in and let it fester and destroy the best relationship of my entire life? Fuck you.”
“Talk to me,” he said, concern filling his blue eyes.
“I fuckingcan’t,” I gritted. If I could, I wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.
“Yes, you can. You open your mouth and words come out. You’re doing it right now. Don’t be a jackass. Tell me what’s going on.”
I scrubbed my hand over my hair and then, like air being let out of a balloon, all my anger and self-hatred whooshed out of me and I was left feeling empty and weak.
“The words won’t come.” I was embarrassed by the way my voice cracked. It was the first time in my entire life I’d been embarrassed in front of Grant. I’d always been strong and sure, sometimes goofy, but never weak—not like this.
But I was weak now, and I could barely hold myself up from the weight of that weakness bearing down on me.
Understanding dawned on his face. “Youcan’ttalk.” He finally got it. “What the hell happened to you over there?” he asked, his voice low and worried.
I shot him a look, and he dropped his head back with another heavy sigh. “Right. Sorry.” He fixed his gaze back on me. “You want to tell her, don’t you?”
“If you think for a second I wantedthisoutcome, you’re the idiot, not me.”
