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‘Oh, Alexis. I’m so sorry.’
‘No.’ Alexis shakes her head, the thick, straight edges of her bleach-blonde bob swaying bluntly, like the rigid edge of a broom. ‘And I should have just spoken to you. But I .?.?.’ Alexis dabs at her dark, fox-like eyes. ‘I wanted to just .?.?. cut the world off. You know? I realised I was lost. Miles from myself. Miles and miles, just .?.?. working sixty hour weeks, obsessing over commission, like adick.Sleeping pills to fall asleep, caffeine pills to wake me up, just .?.?. lost. And I realised, when your emails came, that I was. That I’d been deeply unhappy for awhile.’
‘Lex, I wish you’d spoken to me. I really, really do.’ Alexis. Unhappy? But she’s always so together. And when she’s not, she maps out the route to ‘together’, lights a fuse up her arse and goes exploding off until she reaches it. Alexis never stops long enough to feel anything. She just – goes. Like a rocket. Like that amazing, inspiring rocket I met all those years ago.
‘I wasn’t in any fit state to talk to anyone, really. Well. Except a psych. I’ve been to a .?.?. retreat thing?’ Alexis’s chin drops to her chest, as if the words can only creep out if she isn’t quite looking at them. ‘Like a .?.?. argh. Brain rehab, if you like. I went a month ago. Got back two days ago. It’s been .?.?. good. Four grand a week and you get all the therapy you want, a dish of avocado for brunch and a fuckin’ little cuddle here and there.’ Her eyes drift up to meet mine. She stifles a laugh, her big explosion of a laugh that I love so much, sarcasm a dark little flicker in her eyes. Then she sags in her seat. ‘It’s just when I’d see you .?.?. you and Cate. You reminded me of everything I wasn’t. I realise now that I felt completely left behind by you both.’
‘Left behind?’ I ask, softly. ‘Alexis, you’re the most successful person I know. Look at everything you’ve done. You started at the very, very bottom—’
‘Absolutely,’ agrees Cate. ‘Literally changed your life.’
‘And now, aren’t you like, the highest paid salesperson in your entire department? You’ve wonawards, Lex. You paid your dad’s mortgage off. Changed your dad’s, your sister’s lives. I remember how determined you were, when your mum left, to turn it all around for them .?.?.’
‘Yes, but who am I, Millie?’ asks Alexis, unsteadily, voice now a sad whisper. ‘Like, really. Besides some sort of machine who works and makes money and is everyone’s fuckingtreeto lean on. Everyone’s rock.’ Alexis swallows, looks down at her nails, fiddles with a silver ring on her thumb. ‘And I’d think, Cate is so .?.?.Cate. You know? And I know the bloke’s a dick, but Cate, you had Nicholas and Christmas Lane and I’d think, she’s just one of those people, Cate. Enamoured by the little things. And I don’t even know how to evenaccessthat part of myself.’
Cate gives a watery smile, but shakes her head. ‘I’m hardly a poster girl for normality, Lex.’
‘And Millie, you, you were fucked over. Owen was thepits.Put your heart in a blender and drank it for his breakfast. And you’re still –gentle.You know? Brave but soft. In a nice way. You heaved around this heartache and pain, but you still .?.?. carried on. Happy, here with Ralph and the sea. Just that. The sea. And your crochet – even if they all look like human organs.’ Alexis gives an affectionate smile. ‘Whereas I’m just walking around like this woman made of steel. Acting likenothinghurts me, that I don’t need what everyone else needs. I don’t needanyoneelse. And actually, I’m a .?.?. fraud.’
‘Alexis, you’re not a fraud,’ I say.
Alexis swallows. ‘All this shit I preach. Money and motivation and life on my terms. Every time I saw you both – Cate with her cleaning schedules and happy face and you with walks around Leigh, despite having a broken heart – I just felt jealous. Because for someone who preaches self-love, I don’t love myself at all. I don’t honour myself at all.’
I reach over, hold her hand.
The doorbell rings. ‘Ah. That’ll be the cake,’ says Ralph. ‘I’ll get it.’
‘I couldn’t look, though,’ Alexis continues. ‘It’s so much easier to look at other people, isn’t it? Make them out to be weird or wrong, so you don’t have to look at yourself; face yourself.’
‘Lex, we all have things we want to say, and can’t,’ I tell Alexis. ‘To other people, yes, but most of all, ourselves. That’s the hardest of all.’ A tear slides down my cheek. Alexis catches it with her fingers, and meets my eyes. They’re warm and familiar. ‘I’m so happy you’re here,’ I say.
‘Oh, me too,’ she says, bottom lip wobbling, and as if she just hands herself over it, she cries too. ‘Oh God, my make-up is so screwed. This is the new Fenty.’
Cate laughs, dabs a tissue at Alexis’s eye. Alexis goes to take it, as ever, self-governed, won’t be fussed or cared for, but .?.?. then she stops, her hand drifting down to her lap.
‘Argh,’ Alexis groans, tearfully. ‘I wish I’d just stopped being so angry and sad and just said .?.?.help.Say, hello girls, I’m jealous of you both because you both seem to know who are and I do not.’
‘I don’t!’ I say. ‘I really, really don’t!’
‘Shit, neither do I,’ Cate adds. ‘I mean, look at me? At where I am now, versus where I was. Nobody ever has it all together. Even if we appear to. And in my opinion anyone who seems OK from the outside needs to be approached with caution. It won’t be all it seems. We all have stuff beneath the surface.’
‘You never get the full story.’ I nod, and my heart aches then. Jack. Jack says that. I wish so much I’d told him the whole story of how I felt about him. Before he left.
Ralph arranges the cake on a plate shaped like a toadstool, dishes out the coffee, and Alexis tells us she’s signed up to volunteer at weekends, at a dog rescue centre, that she’s filed a request for sabbatical leave, to live off her savings. Rest. Have a holiday. Think about where she wants her life to go.
‘Alexis?’
She looks up at me, a tiny piece of carrot cake between two fingertips, matte-grey polish, chipped.
‘Nicholas said Owen and you – he saw you once. Walked in on you?’
I wait for Alexis to screw her face up, say er,what?But instead, she nods, just once, a giant sigh deflating her a little. ‘Owen would say things to me, yeah. Hit on me. Flirt with me. Make .?.?. comments. Out of line ones. He messaged me, a week before you broke up.Heard you were going to Goa.Wanted to meet up.’
‘Oh my God.’
‘The guy’s a weapon, Millie,’ Alexis says. ‘I made the mistake once, about telling him about Mum. How she just – struts around with her other family, like we only exist on Christmases, if we’re lucky, and he .?.?. swept right in there. And at first, I felt chuffed. Do you know what I mean? Like, Mill’s found this nice guy who gives a shit about her friends, and ah, look at him, listening, heunderstands. But .?.?. then he—’ She screws her nose up, closes her eyes. Two thick perfect eyeliner wings. ‘Put his hand on my leg.’
‘Oh my God.’
