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I knew exactly what he meant by his last comment.
The daily average of veterans who commit suicide was twenty-two a day. Did he really feel that way?
Funny though, the admission didn’t make me sad. It made me fucking mad.
“So what do you think is going to happen then?” I asked, staring at him even though he refused to look back at me, lips still sealed shut. “You go get your 9mm and you what? Blow your brains out?”
The words made him flinch.
“Where does that leave the rest of us, huh?” I demanded, shoving at his shoulder. “Oh, nobody will care, right? It’s not like you’d blow my heart out, too. It’s not like everyone who loves you would miss you like they’re missing an arm, right? No, as long as that devil on your shoulder is satisfied, then what else matters?”
“You have no idea what it’s like,” he hissed, still not looking at me. “O’Kiell, Bart, and Rodger are dead because of me. Who the fuck am I that I should live and they had to die? It was all on my orders.”
“Oh, shut up,” I barked. “They didn’t die because of you. They died because of terrorist assholes that blew you all out of the water. They died because the informant you had betrayed you all. None of that is your fault, Ash.”
“It was my informant.”
“You couldn’t have known he was going to betray you all!”
“I should have! That was my fucking job!”
“You’re not God! You can’t know every person’s intentions! They all knew what they were doing in the Raiders. They knew there was a chance they wouldn’t come home. So did you, and you almost didn’t!”
“If I could’ve died in their place, I would have. I would. A thousand times over I would.”
Pressing my hands to his face, I gripped his hair in my hands, forcing him to look me in the eyes.
“You would because you are a good man,” I breathed, face just a hair’s-breadth away from his. “You are such a good man, Ashton Kane. You would give up anything for the people you love, and you loved them so much. But I love you, and I need you. I need you, Ashton. If you died, my heart would die. Anything good left in my life would die with you.”
“You would find someone else. Someone better—”
“You’re such an idiot sometimes,” I laughed mirthlessly. “I wouldn’t find someone else, Ashton. You’re it for me.”
“How can you say that?” he demanded, confusion and sharp regret in his eyes. “I’m not worth it. I’m not worth any of this. You deserve someone better.”
Loosening my grip in his hair, my heart started to bleed for him.
“You know what I want? I want a man. I want someone who can protect me, someone who will hold my heart in tender hands. Someone who isn’t afraid to work hard and fight for the things they want. I want a man who loves others so much he sacrifices for them. I want a man who finds purpose in things bigger than himself. Someone who gives without asking anything in return. Someone who can lead, but knows how to follow when he needs to, who can trudge through the thickest shit without complaint because someone’s got to do it. I want a man like you, Ash. No amount of scars or PTSD or emotional trauma changes any of that. If you make yourself worthy of my heart, then it is yours, without question. I am yours.”
Finally, his hand lifted and he cupped my face with tears brimming in his eyes.
“I don’t deserve you,” he whispered, aching sadness tinging his voice.
“Irrelevant.”
“Yes, relevant,” he insisted.
“No, because I’ve already chosen you. The only question remains is whether you’ll disappoint me or not.”
“And who says I chose you?” he countered.
I scoffed and punched his shoulder lightly. He fell to his back again on the bed with a smile and I followed, straddling him.
“Who wouldn’t want this?” I asked, brushing the tips of my breasts against his chest, eliciting a moan from him as his fingers dug into my hair.
Our mouths found each other so easily and we stayed there, slowly kissing and stroking each other until my own insecurities got the best of me. Collapsing on top of his chest and stretching my body over his, I twined my fingers over his chest and rested my chin on it before finally asking for the answer I needed to hear.
“Am I worth it to you?” I whispered, almost afraid of what he might say.
