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Perhaps Violet had a point; maybe he felt remorse for how things transpired between us. But even if that were the case, it wouldn’t erase the years of pain of the deafening silence that followed.
However, like an addict craving a fix, I couldn’t resist retrieving the notebooks mere minutes later. Now, they lay taunting me on the nightstand, a silent challenge to my willpower.
Maybe just a peek wouldn’t hurt.
At least it would ease the weight on my conscience if I fulfilled my promise to Violet.
Switching on the bedside lamp, I reached for the top notebook. I had observed earlier that none of the weathered black journals bore a date on the cover, leaving me clueless about the order they were written in.
Convincing myself it didn’t matter, I flipped to a random page.
Colt
Im so fucking sorry baby. My heart is breaking in to remebering how hurt, how devestated you were on the phone. I thought I was doing what was best. Your meant to be a bright shining star and I couldnt handel seeing you stuck in Jasper for the rest of your life because of me. But I no I made the wrong decison. It should have been your choice. I should have been honest with you.
Im so sorry Colt.
The sharp pain in my chest prevented me from continuing with that entry. I hastily turned to another page.
Colt
Its been 6 months without you in my life and I die a little more inside each day. But I want you to no how fucking proud I am of you. You won a fucking Grammy baby! I new you could do it.
I love you and Im sorry.
And another one.
Colt
I tried calling you again today. Your manager hung up on me. I promise, I just want to tell you Im sorry. I hope your doing ok. I watched your intervew with Vogue, and you still seemed like you were barely holding yourself together. I hope you give yourself permison to move on. Please dont ever let what I did hold you back from living your life
Im so sorry baby.
And another.
Colt
I no you dont ever want to speak to me again, but writing to you lets me pretend, just for a little bit. Im not the same without you princess. I see Violet looking up to me and I dont no how to be a role model to her, when I no Im not a good person.
But I need you to know that Im sorry.
Before I knew it, I found myself at the last page of the first journal. Tears blurred the words before me, and my heart felt lodged in my throat. I hadn’t known what to expect, but it wasn’t this. I had always convinced myself that Gray never felt any remorse for the way he ended things between us. Even after discovering Violet’s existence and piecing together more of the complicated puzzle, I couldn’t reconcile Gray’s intentions with his actions. After all, I’d believed he truly regretted leaving me, wouldn’t he have attempted to reach out?
Except, he had. Countless times, if they were to be believed. I’d pieced together the extent of Carl’s interference with our relationship over the last few months as part of gathering evidence for my civil suit against him. But reading the impact his actions had had on Gray made Carl’s deceit cut even deeper.
My hands trembled with fury and disgust. I had tolerated Carl’s bullshit manipulations for so long, convinced they were harmless. It hurt to accept, but by being so weak, I’d likely played the biggest role in our continued estrangement.
Taking a deep, steadying breath, I reached for the second notebook. Fortunately, this one felt less heavy, although each entry remained dedicated to me, as if I were his deity to whom he offered his prayers. I learned about Gray’s life over the past seven years, his entries seemingly more sporadic than they’d been in the direct aftermath of our break up and his dad’s death. I’d spent those years painting him as the villain in my story, and now I couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt as I discovered the depth of his kindness remained intact. Reading his anecdotes about his involvement in coaching pee wee football or the classes he’d taken to learn to style Violet’s hair, I couldn’t fight the smile. Of course, Gray’s heart was still as big as I’d once believed.
But one particular entry stood out, igniting feelings of jealousy I had never experienced.
Colt
I broke my last vow tonite. I promised myself I would wait for you forever if I had to, but turns out Im not as strong as you. I no your never coming back to me, so I thought it would be fine. I even made a bargan with myself - if it was a woman, then technically I could still say you would always be the only man for me. I could barely get it up and I tried to scrub my skin off after.
Im so fucking sorry baby.
A surge of bile rose in the back of my throat, and I flung the notebook across the room. I couldn’t explain my reaction. It wasn’t like I expected Gray to live as a monk all these years. He wasn’t like me; he had needs.
