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36. “Last Night”
Colton
I stirred awake to the unfamiliar sensation of a strong arm cinched around my waist, with fingers idly twirling through my hair, causing me to let out a happy sigh. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d ever felt this content, and I willed myself to stay in the moment, pushing aside all the nagging questions and rising anxiety from my mind.
That worked for all of two minutes.
But I’d be damned if it wasn’t the best two minutes of my life.
What in the actual fuck had possessed me last night? From everything Violet had shared, dread had been my only companion during the endless hours of the drive to Jasper. Constantly going over the worst-case scenarios, assuming Gray would be bed bound with depression. My palms had sweated as I unlocked the front door with the key I’d borrowed from Violet. I’d been unsure of what good my presence would even do, considering he was the one who hadn’t wanted me here in the first place.
I hadn’t expected him to be so confrontational. His initial hostility caught me off guard, and it took everything I had to resist rising to his provocations, recognizing the thinly veiled pain behind his harsh words. With every attempt to push me away, his demeanor betrayed his anguish. Something I was all too familiar with. I had needed to ease his suffering, in any way I could.
Stand up job, Colt. I doubt Violet wanted you to heal him with your ass.
Only now, I could see that this was inevitable. The chemistry between us was as intense as ever, a force of nature we were powerless to resist. When he had caged me in against that door, every memory came flooding back. The warmth of his body pressed against mine, the way he kissed me with such tenderness, it was like I was the only person in the world who mattered to him.
At some point during our heated, rage-filled make out session, I convinced myself that maybe this was the closure I needed. That surrendering in that moment would finally give us a chance to truly say goodbye, while also leaving us with a final memory we could look back on and cherish.
Except, damn it all, nothing had ever felt so right. We fit together like two puzzle pieces, as perfectly aligned as we always had been. And now, try as I might, I couldn’t shake the feeling that the love we once shared was still in there, buried just below the surface and waiting for us to rediscover it.
I dreaded the thought of turning around to face Gray, only to hear him dismiss last night as a mistake. I didn’t think I would survive another rejection from him, especially not after that.
Gray must have felt me tense in his arms, because he paused his gentle ministrations along my scalp. “Are you okay?” he rumbled.
“I honestly don’t know how to answer that,” I admitted, raw honestly lacing my words.
“Please look at me,” his plea mirrored the nervousness I felt, and I was powerless to deny him.
Rolling over to meet his gaze, I propped myself up on my fist, studying his face. He looked adorably rumpled, and the newly formed scar on his forehead only made me feel more protective of him, the added vulnerability softening his usual appearance. Here in this bed, stripped of any pretense, he appeared younger, more innocent, than the man I’d encountered just yesterday. I felt a fierce urge to kiss him, but I resisted.
We couldn’t avoid having this conversation any longer.
“Can we please talk? Like we used to, just be completely honest and actually listen to each other without getting angry or interrupting?” Gray’s request echoed my inner thoughts, as if he had plucked them straight from my mind.
“I’d really like that. Can I go first?” I asked tentatively.
“Of course,” he nodded in agreement. “But, first, I just need to tell you how sorry I am. I’ve been trying to tell you that for years, and I needed to say it again. If I could take it all back, I would.”
“Thank you,” I whispered. “I don’t think I realized how much I needed to hear that,” I added, already beginning to feel choked up.
Taking a deep breath, I continued. “I’m sorry too. You may have been the one to end things, but I’ve been avoiding you for years. After everything we went through together, I at least should have made more of an effort to find out what changed between us. Obviously there’s a lot that happened and I think I put a fair bit of the real story together after meeting Violet. Or at least, I thought I did. But I really just don’t understand. Did you really mean for me to still be listed as your next of kin? Why would you do that, just to send me away?”
“It wasn’t an accident,” he admitted. “I’ve wanted to speak to you since the moment we stopped. I wanted to apologize to you, first and foremost. You’re right that I didn’t want to break up with you. But suddenly my dad was dead, and I had Violet to look after, and then there were social workers telling me I couldn’t take her out of state, and it fucking overwhelmed me, okay? And I knew that if I told you all that, you would have hopped on the next flight home and given up everything you ever dreamed of, because that’s the kind of person you are. Fiercely loyal. Selfless,” at those words he reached out and cupped my cheek. “But I couldn’t deal with the thought that you would spend the rest of your life unhappy and resenting me for giving up your music.”
Gray’s words, although laden with remorse, didn’t offer much consolation for the way things had unfolded. The notion that he had acted out of concern for my happiness didn’t erase the hurt of being shut out and having decisions made for me.
I took a deep breath, fighting to maintain the calm I had promised myself. Yelling at him now would achieve nothing. It certainly wouldn’t change the past. Closing my eyes, I recalled Dr. Vangari’s advice on using “I” statements. “I understand why you reacted that way. I really do. But please, tell me that you recognize that shouldn’t have been your decision. You cut me off without a word because you assumed you knew what was best for me. Because I can tell you right now, if I could go back and choose, knowing what I know now. I would choose a life with you and Violet in a heartbeat.”
Gray’s eyes resembled an ocean in the middle of a storm, turbulent and unreadable. I couldn’t decipher what he was thinking, if that statement was welcomed or not.
“Of course I know I fucked up. I knew I messed up straight away. Then, I spent a few weeks convincing myself I was doing the right thing. But that night you called me drunk, I knew that us being apart wasn’t right for either of us. It fucking broke me to hear how much I had hurt you. I knew how much it took for you to trust me, and then I threw away that trust like it meant nothing, when it meant everything to me,” his voice faltered at the end.
Tears welled in his eyes, mirroring the moisture gathering in my own. It was surreal to finally hear him acknowledge the pain he had caused, after years of believing he didn’t care. But, that also only made things more confusing.
“Did you really never get my messages?,” Gray asked softly.
Well, I guess it was confession time. I took a deep breath and began to recount everything I had uncovered: Carl’s manipulations, the messages he had intercepted and deleted, the letters he had discarded, and the restraining order he’d had drawn up and asked me to sign without my knowledge.
