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“So, you never actually meant to file a restraining order against me?” He sounded so desperately hopeful, and it broke me. Which made no sense because why would he care if he still didn’t want to be with me?
“Of course I wouldn’t do that, Gray,” I affirmed, feeling the shame burning in my cheeks as I reflected on all the ways I had failed him. “I’m so sorry that you thought I would. Carl had a way of convincing me that he knew best, and that I needed to leave things up to him. I knew he was manipulating me, but I was so broken that I just needed to not be in charge of my life. The night I called you and heard someone else there with you—” I sniffled.
Gray cupped my face in his rough palms, urging me to meet his gaze. “Please, you have to believe me. That was Remy. He used to stay over and help out when Violet was still adjusting… I wouldn’t ever do that to you, Colt. You’ve always been the only man for me. I’ve never thought of Remy like that.”
He sounded so distraught, I silenced him with a tender kiss to his lips. “I believe you, Gray,” I murmured against his mouth. “I don’t think I ever truly believed you’d move on that quickly. I think I was searching for reasons to be angry with you, to channel the hurt I was feeling somewhere else so that I didn’t have to carry it alone. But, if I really thought you would do that, I would have moved on a long time ago.”
“Are you saying we could have been together all this time?” he asked, tears freely dripping down his cheeks now.
I thought back on all the signs I had ignored, the ways I had allowed Carl to manipulate me, allowing him to convince me I was better off without Gray in my life. Of how I’d given Carl access to my phone so that I didn’t have to deal with the temptation of calling Gray. Heavy with regret, I felt burdened by the guilt of being Carl’s spineless puppet.
My head spun at the implications of his question. “You’re right,” I croaked, as my own tears finally spilled. “I’m so sorry. I should have tried harder.”
Gray’s touch was gentle as he cupped my face, the calloused pads of his thumbs wiping away the tears that flowed unchecked. “Hey, no. Shit,” he murmured softly. “I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t blame you at all. I’m the one who is sorry. This whole situation is my fault. I guess it’s just hard to get over the hurt I felt when I opened that manilla envelope and I realized this whole time I’d been wrong. I’d always hoped it was just that your skeezy manager wasn’t passing on my messages, not that you really regretted everything we had together. So I held onto the hope that maybe things weren’t really over between us, if I could just apologize.
“But then you left the hospital, and I was trying to come to terms with my new reality. I honestly haven’t been in a great headspace, trying to accept there isn’t a chance for us anymore. Which I understand. I mean, I’m not okay with it, but I’m trying to respect your decision. I know that what I did to you was unforgivable. And I know my behavior last night was unacceptable. I just have all this anger that I don’t know what to do with and it all came out when you showed up.”
His declaration hung heavy in the air. And with it came the ultimate question: could I ever truly forgive Gray for the pain he had caused, even if much of it was beyond his control? Hell, could I forgive myself for not being a stronger person and fighting for us?
Did Gray even want me to fight for us anymore?
I wrestled with my emotions and conflicting thoughts. Gray may have acted with the intention of protecting me, but did that absolve him of the consequences of his actions? I wasn’t sure. The truth remained, he had hurt me, and he did so because he thought he knew what I wanted better than I did.
For so long, my heart had been consumed by love and hurt, unable to see beyond the pain he had caused. But now, I realized that forgiveness wasn’t just about absolving him of his mistakes, because I’d certainly made just as many mistakes. It was about freeing myself from the burden of resentment.
Forgiveness didn’t equal reconciliation though. It didn’t erase the doubts and uncertainties that lingered, nor did it magically mend the fractures in our relationship. The truth was, I had no idea what I wanted from Gray anymore, or what he wanted from me. I had spent so long clinging to the memory of who we used to be that I hadn’t stopped to consider who we had become.
Because at the end of the day, I had no idea who Grayson Scott was. The man I married had faded into the shadows, replaced by a stranger whose life experiences had shaped his intentions and desires in a way I had no knowledge of. And in the same vein, I had changed too, sculpted by the trials and tribulations of my own history.
But as I lay in his arms, feeling the warmth of his touch and whole for the first time in forever, I knew one thing for certain: if what Gray had done was truly unforgivable, I wouldn’t be here with him now. I wouldn’t feel the faint flicker of hope stirring within, the tentative whisper of possibility beckoning from the depths of my soul.
“I forgive you, Gray. For everything,” I whispered, my voice barely above a breath. “I’m just not sure where we go from here. You say you’re trying to accept that there isn’t a chance for us anymore, but I left you my number and told you to call me if you wanted me here with you, and you didn’t. Why is that?”
Gray suddenly became very interested in the duvet. “Because I didn’t want you to see me like this,” he whispered.
“See you like what?”
“Broken.”
This time, I was the one to lift Gray’s chin so that he looked me in the eye so he could see just how much I meant my next words. “Gray, you’re so far from broken. As far as I’m concerned, you’re more beautiful than ever. But you’re so much more than how you look. And it’s okay to feel broken sometimes. God knows that I have. And regardless of where our relationship stands, I want you to lean on me. Violet said you’ve been struggling, that you’re depressed, and I want to help you. You don’t have to be scared to show me what you’re really feeling, Gray. Please don’t push me away because you think I’m going to look at you differently if you’re not the strong one for a change.”
Gray’s breath hitched, and he closed his eyes. “You’d really stay for me? Because you’re making me hope right now, and if you don’t really mean that, I need to know. I-I can’t handle losing you again so if I am, I need you to rip the bandaid off.”
“If that’s what you want, I’ll be here until you tell me to leave.”
“Stay. Please,” he said softly. His chin wobbled, and fresh tears rolled down his face. “Violet’s right. I’m not okay.”
“Shh, we’ll work everything out.”
We held each other for a long time after, neither of us speaking, just staring into each other’s eyes.
Eventually, Gray broke the tension. “Was last night a one time thing?”
I had the strangest urge to laugh. Despite just thinking how much Gray must have changed, some things would always remain—Gray’s unwavering determination, even when he was hurting, and his readiness to leap into the unknown.
“I don’t know,” I confessed.
“What do you mean? You’re telling me that you want to be here for me, but you’re not sure that you want us to be together again?” he pressed, his frustration palpable.
