AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I grab a bottle of water before getting back into bed. I arrange my blankets and pillows, wanting the mood to be as relaxed as possible, and then get comfortable.
I open up the Kindle, go back a few pages to where I started this scene, and grab the toy to get myself off.
I place the toy—wait.
“Where does this even go?” I mutter, looking it over. I turn it in my hands, hoping there’s an insert here sign or something.
Like, I have a vagina, obviously, I know that I’ve got a big hole where the dick is going to go. Do I just shove this in there?
But that doesn’t seem like it’s going to be very comfortable. Especially not if my hymen is still intact. Do I really want to hurt myself to try and get this orgasm?
And, fuck, this toy is pretty girthy. Is that not going to hurt me, too?
I don’t know enough about my own body to know what’s going to feel good and what’s not. I don’t know what turns me on, what makes me feel icky. I don’t know my sweet spots or my uncomfortable zones.
I’m not familiar enough with myself to know how to make myself feel good.
I suppose that’s what makes Voss’s gift so thoughtful. He’s trying to let me figure things out before they all come bulldozing in. Before I lose myself to the heat and just know nothing other than pleasure.
He’s giving me the chance to learn about myself before I don’t even care.
So, I don’t want to waste this chance, even if I feel awkward.
I turn on the vibrator and literally hold it at my vagina, hoping that, eventually, it’ll feel good.
But, clearly, I’m not pressing it in the right location. It’s not feeling great, in fact, it feels a bit uncomfortable, the vibrations seem to be hitting a bone, and I can hear them rattling through my entire body. I don’t think I’m doing this right.
It just feels strange.
Actually, it feels a bit awkward to be honest.
And it’s so very loud. I know my room is soundproofed, and I made sure the door was closed, but it still feels like everyone in the house knows what I’m doing. None of them will care, they’ll probably be torn between being proud of me and wanting to watch, depending on which mate it is.
It feels strange and uncomfortable.
I am strange and uncomfortable.
I don’t like it.
I throw my head back and shove the stupid toy under my pillow and grab my Kindle again. Masturbating was a failure, but that doesn’t mean I can’t at least enjoy my book.
I’ll just not get to orgasm with the main characters.
It’s not the end of the world—it wouldn’t be the first time that has happened.
But rather than skipping the spicy scene and trying to make myself actually enjoy what I’m reading, I force myself to read it. I decide to punish myself, and I don’t know why. I sit here and read as the main character gets all of her holes filled.
It’s frustrating because, every so often, I keep thinking about the toy and how I want to figure this out, how I want to try. I know I could ask one of the others to come and help me, well, I could ask Voss or Fin, the two who have shown they’re willing to work with the vibrator.
But I don’t because I need to do this alone.
I close my kindle, put it on my side table, and grab my phone instead. The first step is music. I don’t like the sound of the vibrations, and, instead, want to drown them out.
I skip through, looking for songs, struggling to pick the right one. Because, once again, I’m procrastinating. I’m getting too caught up in making things perfect that I’m just avoiding doing what I want to do.
Orgasm.
I want to feel good.
