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Griffin does, Micah will at a little request, and Orson tends to volunteer shit.
But Mal? He’s in the group with Atticus and even Devoss, in a way, where you’ve got to pull it out of him. You’ve got to act like he’s your opponent on a battlefield, expecting jabs and insults, as he works through his feelings.
With a small shake of his head, he pulls away from the cabin, and a tense silence fills the air.
Bingo! This trip was more about chatting than it was about doing something fun.
“So, was this just an excuse for us to do something together, then?” I finger my sleeve, waiting for him to acknowledge that I spoke. I’m silly. Of course, he’s not going to. “Or was it just an excuse for us to have our talk?”
His grip tightens on the wheel of the car, but he doesn’t say anything. I love my mate, I truly do, but his commutation sucks.
And his hot and cold attitude doesn’t help matters.
“You don’t need to create a fake excuse if you want to talk to me, you know,” I say, turning in my seat so that I can look at him properly. One of us needs to be brave for this conversation, and it’s not going to be him, as shown by him sighing once more but still not saying anything.
This annoys me.
I want to have an open and honest discussion. I want to sit here and hear how he’s feeling. We’ve not had a moment alone, just me and him, since my suicide attempt.
And I’m pretty sure he’s got some feelings on the topic. I want to hear them. I don’t want the heavy action weighing on him any longer.
But can we clear the air if he doesn’t communicate? No, of course, not.
“Really, Mal? Am I the one expected to carry this whole conversation? You do know I’m the one who’s depressed, right?” I say, drawing laughter from him.
But then I smell his guilt. I narrow my eyes, hoping he doesn’t feel bad laughing at my joke.“I get it. I need to communicate better. I do. But it’s hard.”
“Okay, well why don’t you start by telling me how you feel?” I ask softly.
The look he gives me, the one full of heat and appreciation and just true fucking love… he’s showing I’m his lifeline, that he’s so grateful I’m here with him.
I’m hit in the centre of my chest with a powerful feeling, but it’s one I can’t decipher. My wolf and I don’t know how to process a look that potent.
But then he says three words that hit me even harder. “I feel guilty,” he admits, taking one hand off the wheel to rub at his eyes.
I reach over and gently rub his knee, and he gives me a startled look before quickly looking back at the road. “You feel guilty?” I prompt.
“I don’t have the connection to you that the others have,” he says, changing the subject. I don’t interrupt and do my best to keep the same expression on my face, despite not believing him.
“You and Micah have your jigsaw.” I bite my lip to stop myself from snorting. Strong start, Mal, strong start. “You and Orson have this caregiver shit going on. You and Fin seem to have something happening.” Another strong contender in this narrative he’s created. We have something happening. “You and Devoss—”
“You could go through everybody,” I say, cutting him off because it’s just getting embarrassing now. “You could pick out different parts of our lives that each of us connect on, but my relationship with my other mates doesn’t change my relationship with you. We have things that we connect on, too.”
“Yeah?” he asks, and I nod. I firmly believe this. “Then why am I last?”
“Last for what?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.
“For this conversation to start with,” he says, snapping a little bit. He immediately goes to apologise, but I speak before he can. I don’t want him to have to apologise for having feelings, and if he needs to snap or get mad, then that’s fine.
Negative feelings are just as valid as positive feelings.
As long as they’re not destructive.
George said that to me during our last session, and there’s some weight behind it. As long as a negative feeling isn’t hurting you, or someone else, then it’s okay to let it run its course.“You’re not last because I picked an order,” I say, trying to keep the annoyance out of my tone. When he gives a jerky nod, I think I’ve succeeded. “Micah came to me first, and then everybody else sort of fell in naturally, except Atticus, but he needed an attitude adjustment and there was no way he was going to come to me to get that.” I’m unashamed of that.
“It’s not often that our Alpha is the one who needs his head pulled out his ass, but it was this time,” I say, shrugging with my left shoulder whilst squeezing his leg with my right hand.
“You just don’t know well enough yet, little warrior, but trust me.” Oh, Mal, don’t you know that I do trust you? “Atticus always needs his head pulled out his ass.”
