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But for Alex? Phoebe curls up and closes her eyes, acting like the little princess I know she is, taking the offered comfort and cuddles.
She’s a baby, and she’s not doing it to be vindictive. Logically, I know that. I can understand it. But right now, as I see her practically asleep in his arms, I’m filled with such anger. I’m exhausted. I’ve spent two whole days soothing her and loving her through this unhappy period.
And she doesn’t care. She chooses Alex over me. She thinks he’s better than I am.
And at this point, he probably is.
“Close your eyes, little butterfly,” he says, and I do, just as he starts humming a very melodic tune. I don’t know which of us is more into his voice, but both me and my daughter relax to it.
“She’s down,” Alex says softly, and my eyes fly open. How long has it been? “I’m going to settle her down in the crib, and you can come lay next to her.”
“She’s going to wake up,” I say, shaking my head mournfully. My voice is laced with my resignation, a bone-deep exhaustion filling my bones.
“Then she’ll cuddle with her mama in the big girl bed whilst I supervise,” he says, and I frown. “I know you’re against the idea of bed-sharing, but I promise you, I will not fall asleep. I’ll be sitting here the entire time, watching over you both until morning.”
“I… what if I hurt her?” My argument is weak, but I can’t shake the fear.
He moves towards me so impossibly fast my eyes can’t even track the movement, with his delicate hold still on my daughter.
“I’d never risk her, and I’d never allow you to, either,” he says, and I nod. Just like that, he’s got me in a trance. “If it would make you feel better, I can have one of the others sit with us, too, just in case I drift off.”
I shake my head, and he smiles. I move over to the bed and lay down, but I can’t figure out how to do this safely. What if I roll onto her? What if I put her on my chest, but she rolls off?
“On your side,” Alex says, and I hurry to obey. “And curl up into a c-shape.”
Once I’m in position, he gently places Phoebe in the gap between my arm, chest, and knees, and I relax when she cuddles in close. I smell her hair, the sweet baby smell overwhelming me, and I start to drift off, knowing that she’s okay.
When Phoebe starts rooting sometime later, I just tug my T-shirt off, throw it across the room, and help latch her to my boob. I fall asleep with her feeding, and it’s so fucking relaxing to be able to just sleep without thinking about anything except how adorably tiny her fingers are as they hold onto me.
I sleep better knowing she’s here with me, and she seems to settle better being with me. I don’t know how long the two of us sleep for, before I’m woken up again, but, god, do I feel rested. My eyes aren’t grainy, and my head doesn’t ache.
“Pass her here, love.” My eyes fly open, and I see it’s not Alex here with me, anymore, but Ben. Their voices are identical, as are nearly everything else about them—but their eyes are the only place where I can tell the difference. “She’s just finished another feed, and I heard a very loud trumpet sound, so unless you want to get that shit on your hands…”
I giggle and let him steal her from me. Alex appears with a glass of water for me, and I push up to a sitting position in bed as the two brothers start changing her nappy for me.
They’re adorable as they tag team it, and I’m curious as to how much their heightened sense of smell seems to affect them. Ben’s trying to hide his gags—since Alex told him off for showing such displeasure—but he seems to be genuinely affected by the smell.
My heart warms seeing it, and apparently, Phoebe really wants to make this a memorable morning for them both because, as they’re trying to tug the baby wipes out of the packet, they’re not giving her their full attention.
“Maia! Maia, help!” Ben shrieks, and I burst into laughter as she wees all over the mat and Ben’s hands. He was holding her in place, and I duck my head to hide my giggles.
Alex snickers at his brother, not offering any help at all.
“She’s going to need a whole new change of clothes now,” I say, nodding my head over to the chest of drawers on the back wall. I’ve got a few sleep suits and vests in there, to save me going through to her room where the vast majority of her clothes are, each time something like this happens.
Alex goes over to grab them, holding up options for me to choose, as Ben starts to clean her. Neither of them complain as they get her changed, Ben going as far as to tickle her chest and coo at her as he gets her into clean clothes.
It’s the sweetest thing.
I may not have chosen to have their child… but choosing to raise my daughter with them was a very good decision indeed.
“Are you sure you can handle her?” I ask, yawning through my entire sentence.
Topher chuckles. “It’ll be good for you both. We’ve got her, and Alex has you, princess. Just rest.”
“Sleep,” Ben adds, giving me a tight hug before kicking Seb’s shin. “Get the baby, and let’s go.”
Seb frowns. He eyes Phoebe, and then me, before sighing. “Really?”
