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“Pops!”
“Sadie,” he hollers back at her, taking her from my mother’s arms so he can hug her and blow a raspberry on her neck. It sends her into a fit of giggles and again Curly barks. It’s my dad’s cue to release the toddler so the dog can have his turn with my daughter.
My daughter Cillian has never met. That he’s never cared to meet. There has been no contact between us since that video call. Though I tried a few times to work up the courage, I never got far.
“Hey kiddo,” Dad greets Willa with a hug before giving me one. He’s tense, further confirming the information I know is coming. Pressure builds in my sinuses and temples. It doesn’t matter how certain I’ve been that this day would eventually come; I’m still terrified of it. For many reasons.
“How is work, Willa?” Mom asks as we all sit at the patio table that’s already set and full of food.
“Fine. Nothing very exciting has happened. I’m still waiting for my dream man to walk through the doors and sweep me off my feet.” She’s taken a summer job at the local gay bar. Her chances of meeting a straight man there are slim, but she holds out hope that some spectacular specimen will walk in and steal her heart away. It’s crap, and we both know it. Willa uses her sham dream as a way to keep pining after her current crush.
“You’re too young for that bullshit,” Dad admonishes her, and my mom him for his language. Sadie is immune to it, though. She hears it all regularly enough but has yet to be the one to repeat any of it. Thankfully. “Give me another decade before you try to marry yourself off.”
Willa playfully sticks her tongue out at him.
Dad gives Mom a pointed look that makes my stomach churn. She engages Sadie in conversation while dishing and cutting up a plate of food for her.
I always had my dad’s temper. Mom is calm, cool, and collected. Willa takes after her, not me though. Mom always said it was something to do with my star sign; quick to rain hellfire on a direct offence though if someone makes an honest mistake, like bringing me the wrong order when we eat out, I never make a fuss. That’s her area of expertise though, and not something I learned because it didn’t have anything to do with ice or pucks.
Maybe they think I’m about lose my shit at the news.
“I already know what you’re going to say,” I start. “Boston didn’t protect him because his contract is coming up and based on how well he’s played, he deserves more money than they likely want to pay when they already have several great players to pay. Seattle would be stupid not to have drafted him.”
“They would have been,” he agrees, but the tight muscles in his neck say he’s still not happy about it.
“It’s fine, Dad. We all knew something like this would happen sooner or later.” The words ring hollow, even to myself. They’re true, but there is no certainty in my voice. I’m not ready, even though I have always known it would happen. Some days, I even hoped for it. Some days, I even thought about calling him and asking him to come home.
“We didn’t know we’d both have to work with him.”
“Yeah,” I agree with him. Not only will my dad be Cillian’s coach, but I’ve been hired as part of the Fan Development team. I won’t have the same contact with him as my dad, but we’ll still run into each other regularly enough. “I’m surprised we’ve gone this long without bumping into him.”
Maybe he hates me as much as I’ve hated him these past years. They haven’t been easy years. I’ve had plenty of support from my family. Willa is the best auntie, and my mom has taken on the main role for childcare while I was at both school and work. Willa still lives with us, which it means Sadie and I share a bedroom, but we’ve made that work. So far, anyway. She’s getting too old now though, so we’ve been floating the idea of trying to find a larger space. Except, that requires more help from our father and neither of us wants that. He does enough for us as it is.
Of course, I could have pressed for child support from Cillian. The extra money would go a long way. Only, I never could muster the courage to have that conversation with him. And I’d have to tell him all the reasons why I didn’t force some involvement from him.
There’s no real way around that now. Even if we don’t see each other right away, it’s only a matter of time. Sadie loves going to Papa’s games. Hockey is in her blood and we’re a close family. Of course, word would eventually get around that Cillian Wylder and the coach’s daughter have a love child.
Love. She was conceived in love; I refuse to believe otherwise. Despite how it all fell apart.
“I’ll support whatever you decide to do, kiddo.”
“What options are there?” Willa looks much like Dad does, tight jawed and fighting back her anger on my behalf. I love them for it, but this is my battle. Or mess to clean up, depending on how you look at it.
“None, really,” I say before starting to nibble nervously on my bottom lip.
“We’ll be here for the fallout,” Dad says, reaching over to pat my shoulder in support.
“Maybe it won’t be too dramatic,” Mom suggests. “He was horrible there at the end, but we all loved him once.”
We did. A small part of me still loves him. But that part is a stupid romantic that doesn’t know what’s good for her. It’s difficult to love Sadie as much as I do and not love Cillian for giving her to me. Whatever he feels about me or her, I’m grateful for our surprise. My daughter is the greatest thing in my life; all the best parts of him. Determined, strong, passionate. Let’s just hope she gets her loyalty from me.
“There’s no way to know until we know, you know?” Willa teases, easing some of the tension.
“Is it Saturday?” Sadie asks.
“Yes, munchkin,” I answer.
“Yes!” Sadie throws her arms in the air in excitement. Mom keeps her overnight most Saturday nights. She likes her grandma time, and it allows me a night to ‘be a kid’. Often on my childfree nights, I can be found at home with Willa, her best friend, Kit, and a box of pizza.
