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The next several weeks passed by in a horrendous blur of deception, heartbreak, and broken promises. Joey’s descent into addiction had come on as rapidly as the weight he continued to lose.
He was barely recognizable now. With track marks on his arms and bruising on his veins, he continued to numb his pain and I watched helplessly. My boyfriend was back in the flesh, but the boy I’d fallen in love with all those years ago seldom made an appearance anymore.
As the child in my belly continued to grow, so did the gaping chasm between us. I couldn’t seem to reach him anymore. It didn’t matter what I said or did; he wasn’t listening.
Joey had well and truly checked out on life.
He was my closest friend, and I felt his absence everywhere I went and in everything I did. I felt his withdrawal in the deepest corners of my heart.
He had fallen headfirst into old patterns, and right there with him, I was repeating past mistakes. Giving him a pass and turning a blind eye to things that I knew were wrong. Things that I knew could destroy him. Because the fear I had of losing him was too great.
Falling in love had exposed the biggest weakness in me because my heart refused to allow me to walk away from him, no matter how hopeless it seemed. Weakened and demoralized, I watched on daily as he continued to splinter both his world and mine because I knew he was still my Joey underneath the ghost he had become.
Every now and then, rare as they had become, I saw glimpses of that boy who stole my heart all those years ago. I saw the person he used to be, and I reveled in it. It gave me hope, seeing him, knowing he was still in there somewhere.
With his father hiding from the law in rehab, his mother falling apart at home, and his brother’s sudden reappearance, I knew the pressure my boyfriend was under was unendurable. It didn’t take away the fact, though, that time was ticking, and we had a baby on the way. It didn’t take away the fact that in a few short months, I would have a choice to make.
If Joey didn’t get a handle on things, he was going to end up forcing my hand. The thought of what might happen when that day came caused my heart to shrivel up and die. Because I couldn’t do this without him, but I refused to repeat past mistakes. I refused to subject our baby to the same ordeal their father had been exposed to.
I wouldn’t be Marie Lynch.
My baby would come first.
89
Remember My Face
JOEY
“Molloy, wait up!” Pushing off the wall outside the GP surgery, the one I’d been waiting against for the past twenty minutes, I hurried after her. “Wait up, will ya?”
“Can’t,” she called over her shoulder—her rigid shoulder—as she pulled up the hood of her raincoat, gave a quick glance left and right, and crossed the road. “I’m late for school.”
Yeah, we were both late for school, but I was the asshole late for her appointment.
Swallowing down my self-loathing, I clenched my jaw and jogged after her. “How did it go?” I asked, falling into step beside her when I reached the footpath. “Is everything okay with the, uh…” Shoving my hands into the front pocket of my hoodie, I concentrated on the footpath as I spoke. “Are you okay?”
“Am I okay?” She stopped dead in her tracks and let out a humorless laugh. “Am I okay?” she repeated, swinging around to glare at me. “Hmm, let’s see, I’ve just spent the last hour being lectured by a doctor who’s known me since childhood about the dangers I’ve been exposed to, because unlike the pregnant women waiting with their husbands and partners for good news, I’m the fool at risk.”
“Risk?” Panic roared to life inside of me. “For what?”
“I’m at risk,” she hissed, “because I was the fucking eejit who laid on her back for an intravenous drug user who can’t remember his own bloody name half the time! A little fucking humiliating, don’t you think, Joe?” she demanded, tears filling her eyes. “To be that girl.” She narrowed her eyes. “To be the girlfriend of that guy.”
It took me a while to register her words. The fog in my head made it so fucking hard to focus. But once I did, my heart cracked in my chest.
“Jesus Christ,” I strangled out. “I didn’t give you anything, did I?” Panicked, I choked out, “I’ve never cheated on you.”
“I know, Joe.” Sniffling, she shook her head. “My test results are all clean.”
Relief flooded my body. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Yeah, well, I guess I should say thanks for showing up,” she deadpanned, turning on her heel. “Better late than never, huh?”
“I overslept.”
