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“It won’t be.” I shook my head and wiped my nose with the sleeve of my hoodie. “I’m a shit mam.” Another sob racked through my chest. “He h-hates me. He n-never c-cries for you. I c-can’t even f-feed him p-properly.”
“Bullshit.” Standing up, I watched as he finished winding our son. “You’re not a shit mam.” Handling our son with as much skill as any of the midwives in the hospital, Joey set him down on the bed and went to work on changing him. “You’re panicking and he can sense it,” he explained gently, giving our baby a fresh nappy before popping his tiny body back into a clean onesie. “As soon as you relax, he will too.” Lifting AJ into his arms, he cradled him for a moment, swaying from side to side, before settling him down in his bassinet and returning to me. “You’re exhausted, Molloy. You’re going through a lot right now, baby, and that little baby adores you, okay?” Sinking down on the bed, he carefully pulled me onto his lap. “And don’t worry about how he’s fed just as long as he’s fed.”
“But Mam said I sh-should be breastfeeding.”
“I don’t give a shit what your mother said,” he countered, tightening his hold on me. “I’m his father, and I’m telling you now that he’s fine. He’s guzzling his bottles. He’s clearly piling on the weight. There’s not a bother on him, Molloy. He’s thriving.”
“I hate being here on my own,” I admitted, burying my face in his new school jumper. “Nighttime is the worst.”
“You know I would’ve stayed with you if I could’ve,” he replied, sounding pained. “But they kick partners out at midnight.”
“Yeah,” I squeezed out, clinging to him. “I know.”
“You’re coming home today,” he coaxed. “And I’ll be over straight after school, okay? I’ll bring a bag and stay at your place.” He pressed a kiss to my head. “I’ll do the night feeds tonight, okay? All I want you to do is breathe and take it handy until I get back. Your mam will be here in an hour. Let her help you.”
Don’t leave me.
Please don’t leave me.
“I don’t want to go,” he said in a pained voice, clearly reading my thoughts. “But if I don’t show up, I’ll be in shit with my doctors—”
“It’s okay,” I quickly interrupted, needing to not have this conversation while I was feeling so on edge. “I’ll see you after school.”
“You will,” he assured me. “And then we’ll talk, okay? I actually have something I want to run by you and your parents.” He leaned in and brushed his lips to mine. “We’ll put a plan together.” He kissed me again. “We’ll make this work, Molloy.”
141
Welcome to Tommen
JOEY
It was September 1st, 2005.
The first day of my second chance at sixth year, and the first day of my second chance at life—according to my therapist, that was.
The truth was my second chance was born two days ago, and being at this school instead of being with my son and girlfriend was killing me. When I stepped through the front doors of the school, the anxiety I was experiencing had little to do with my surroundings and everything to do with the girl I had left alone in the hospital.
I’d been in this position before. I’d sat at the foot of another woman’s bed, watching as she crumbled under the mental anguish that came with giving birth.
I never understood it when it happened to my mother, and I was just as clueless now that it was happening to my girlfriend. I wanted to make it right. I wanted to turn on my heel and go back to her, but we needed this little deal I had carved out.
It came with perks that I couldn’t afford to turn down. It came with freedom, and accommodation, and a future that I was banking on for my family.
My family that consisted of Molloy and AJ.
______________________
The principal of Tommen couldn’t hide his distaste for me. He made that perfectly clear. His mistrust was potent, his wariness even more stifling, as he sat behind his desk and looked down his nose at me.
“Is he on a methadone program?” His question, while about me, was directed toward Edel and John who were sitting beside me. “Is he receiving regular counseling sessions? Attending an outpatient clinic?”
Swallowing my temper, I let John do the talking for me. After all, the man made a career out of it. Instead, I balled my hands into fists at my sides and zoned out, only responding when the patriarch of my siblings’ newfound family encouraged me to do so.
Unwelcome.
It was only one word, but the most accurate one I could think up to describe how I felt. I didn’t belong here, not in this school and not in this uniform.
Still, I held firm and allowed myself to be led by one of the few men in my life that I actually considered to be trustworthy.
