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Feeling relief over the loss of a pregnancy was the most disgusting, horrible, unforgivable crime on the face of the planet. And that’s the first thing I felt when those words came out of Johnny’s mouth.
An overwhelming swell of sheer relief washed over my body for the briefest of moments as my brain registered the gratitude encompassing my heart at the knowledge that another child wouldn’t be born into this hell.
It was bad enough that we had been born into this life.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Shannon,” Johnny said, squeezing my hand. “I hate that I had to tell you that.”
“Is she okay?” I croaked out when words found me.
Johnny nodded. “Your brother said she’s okay and that she had the miscarriage on Friday—although you probably knew that she was in the—”
“Yeah,” I quickly lied to cover up the carnage, feeling tears prickle my eyes as disgust and self-hatred took over. “We knew there was a problem.”
Was that what happened? Was that where she went? Was she all alone in the hospital all weekend and none of us knew?
We were bitching about her being a bad mother and she was lying in a hospital bed, losing her baby.
Oh god.
“Of course.” Johnny nodded and exhaled another heavy sigh. “Joey told me to tell you that your dad is picking her up from the hospital and that they’ll both be home soon.”
My body froze. The weighted pain and fearful anticipation settled down on my shoulders like an old friend’s hand. That’s how familiar I was with the feeling of fear.
My heart could not have sunk any further if I tied weights to it and dropped it into the ocean.
He was back.
Why was he back? Why couldn’t he just go away forever?
“Your brother wants you to stay here for a while. He said he would call when he can come get you—” Johnny paused before adding, “But I can take you home whenever you want, okay?”
“Joey shouldn’t have put you in that position,” I croaked out, wrestling to keep my emotions at bay. “I’m so sorry about this.” I stood up to leave. “I can go now.”
“Shannon.” Johnny’s hand snaked out and wrapped around my wrist. “I don’t want you to go,” he said gruffly, tugging me back down beside him. “I want you here.” He rested a hand on the bed right behind my back and leaned close. “I want you to stay with me.”
I shook my head, unable to form a single word.
I had a horrible taste in my mouth. It matched the one in the pit of my stomach.
Impending doom, I acknowledged.
That’s what I was tasting and feeling right now.
My father was back.
Once I left this house and returned to mine, the vicious never-ending circle would continue.
Suddenly, I never wanted to leave this room.
Do not cry, Shannon Lynch, I warned myself. Do not shed another tear!
I dropped my head and blinked like crazy, desperately trying to fight back the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks in big fat drops.
It didn’t work.
One tear slid down my cheek, followed in quick succession by another and then another.
“I’m going to hug you,” Johnny whispered in my ear. “Tell me if that’s not okay.”
