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“Thanks for automatically assuming that I’m a bastard, though, Ma,” I snarked. “I really appreciate the lack of faith my own mother has in my moral compass.”
“Well, you drop the bomb that you’re not a virgin on me the same day you bring your girlfriend home,” Mam huffed. “The first girl I have ever seen you with, may I add. What am I supposed to think? I was trying to prepare you for the future.”
“First, for the last bleeding time, Shannon is not my girlfriend,” I snapped, flustered. “Second, I haven’t been a virgin since first year. And third, I can roll a condom on in the dark with one hand tied behind my bleeding back, so I don’t need the sex talk, or tips, or any of that shite.”
Mam gasped in horror and I mentally kicked the shite out of myself.
“I’m lying,” I coddled her. “I am a virgin.”
“First year,” she sobbed. “First year!”
“No, no, no,” I hurried to assure her. “I’m a virgin, Ma. I am.”
“No,” she wept, shaking her head. “You’re not.”
What the fuck was I supposed to do now?
Christ, where was my dad when I needed him?
“You were only fourteen in first year,” she continued to wail.
“Thirteen,” I muttered under my breath as I held her to my chest and patted her back.
“Holy Mary, Mother of God.” She sobbed harder, clearly hearing me.
Shit.
Balls.
“I am a virgin,” I continued to say over and over while my mother cried into my school jumper. “I’m saving myself for marriage, Ma.”
“It’s the rugby,” she sobbed, fisting my jumper. “I blame the bleeding rugby for this.”
“For what?”
“For you losing your innocence!” Mam hissed. She looked up at me and then burst into another bout of tears. “Those boys you play with, they’re too old for you and obviously led you astray.”
No, Ma, my dick led me astray when puberty kicked in…
“And she’s in your bedroom,” Mam wailed, dropping her head against my chest again. “Oh dear god.”
“Because you brought her here, Ma, not me,” I replied as I continued to rub her back. “Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that I was with Shannon. Which I’m not,” I quickly clarified. “But if I was and you were worried about me getting up to no good, then why in the hell would you bring her over here?”
“Because I was still under the impression that you were a virgin when I brought her over here, wasn’t I?” Mam huffed, slapping my chest. “I thought you were having your first crush. I thought I was catching you in time.”
Fair point.
“Ma, I’m almost eighteen,” I tried to comfort her by saying. “You were married to Da by the time you were eighteen.”
“That’s different,” she sobbed.
“How?”
“Because you’re my baby,” Mam sniffled. “Oh god, my baby is sexually active.”
“No, I’m not,” I coaxed, hugging her. “I promise, I am not having sex.” Right now. “I’m not, Ma.”
“Are you at least being safe?” she choked out, looking up at me with big tear-filled brown eyes.
