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Jessie wipes her eyes and pulls away from me. I can see the walls settling back into place as she pulls herself together. The tear tracks dry on her red cheeks, though her eyes still shine. She looks like she’s going to be sick as she starts walking again.
I want to ask her more about how she’s doing, but it’s clear she doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m surprised she said as much as she did about what happened. I know she doesn’t trust me. I hope one day she’ll get there, but I don’t know if she can.
After having her cry on my shoulder, it’s clear that there’s so much she’s still dealing with. I dumped more problems in her lap when I left her in the middle of the night.
I’m an asshole.
“So,” Jessie says, dragging out the word as she climbs over another fallen log, nearly slipping on the snow gathering there. “Why are you here? Why would you join a rescue team when you have every opportunity at your fingertips?”
I grit my teeth together, trying not to snap at her. Jessie is blunt and to the point. She isn’t the kind of person who’s going to mince words, even though I wish she would every now and then.
My family is not something I want to get into with her right now. There’s too much baggage to unpack there. We should be back at the wilderness center soon, and the last thing I want to be is the spoiled rich boy, whining in front of the rest of the group.
“I thought it would be a good experience for what I want to do with my life.” I tuck my hands into my pockets, resisting the urge to touch her again.
It’s clear that Jessie is trying to avoid talking about her personal life, even though it’s eating her alive inside. If talking about some of my shit will take her mind off everything, then I’m willing to do that.
As long as we stay far away from the topic of my dad.
I told her more than enough about my family that night we spent together. I told her things I’ve never told anyone else. I stayed away from the parts that cut the deepest, but I told her about my childhood.
Maybe that’s why it feels like she’s driving a knife through me every time she brings up the fact that I grew up with money.
Although, I don’t think that’s it either. I want her to respect me for what I bring to the table. I want her to look at me and see someone other than my dad. She could be the one person who sees me for who I really am, but there’s a lot of hurt standing in the way.
Hurt that I caused because I allowed myself to be vulnerable with her and then I got scared.
Curiosity shines in her eyes as she glances up at me. “And what is it that you want to do?”
“I’m going to start a rural ambulance service. I want to be able to provide free medical care to people who can’t afford it. A lot of people in rural areas don’t have the access or financial ability to get the healthcare they need. If I bring that to them, then there’s one less thing they have to worry about.”
Jessie stops in her tracks. She raises an eyebrow. Pride rolls through me at her impressed expression. “You want to fund medical care for people who can’t afford it?”
“I don’t have the funds to afford that right now, and I certainly don’t have the money to be the only person funding the program forever, but I’m going to get it started.”
I’ve spent years of my life trying to figure out how to do better than my father. He got into medical technology to make money. He looks at healthcare and sees where he can make a profit. I want to look at healthcare and see where I can make a difference.
“Well then,” Jessie says, smiling as she weaves through a cluster of pine trees. “It seems like you have a difference to make in the world. I wouldn’t think that free healthcare would be something you’d pursue.”
“There’s a way to make money while helping others who can’t afford their basic needs. I want to be able to do that.”
As I look ahead of us, I can see the Barn peeking through the trees. The other volunteers are gathered around a fire, talking to each other while we make our way through the last bit of forest.
Jessie stops and grins, nearly bouncing on her toes as she throws her arms around me. “You got us back to the Barn!”
I laugh and hug her back, spinning her around before setting her down on the ground. The snow falls around us as she looks up at me. My gaze drops to her full lips and I imagine what it would be like to pretend to be lost in the woods for a few minutes more.
That image is ruined when Jessie pulls away from me and heads out of the trees. I watch her go for a moment before following along behind her. She walks ahead of me, holding the straps of her backpack.
“There you are,” Patrick says, standing up and hurrying over to us. “You’re late. What happened out there?”
Jessie looks at me with wide eyes. Her cheeks turn a darker shade of red. I can see the panic in her eyes as she tries to figure out what to tell him.
“We got a little lost,” I say, taking the lead as Jessie clamps her mouth shut. “I thought I knew where I was going when I took a shortcut. It got us a little turned around. At one point I had the map upside down too.”
Patrick grins and shakes his head. “These things happen. It’s good that you were able to make it back here. There’s nothing I hate more than having to find trainees who want to tell me that everything went perfectly. I would rather know that you struggled so I can help you work on your skills in the future. And, if we’re being honest, most new trainees struggle with the navigation.”
“They do?” Jessie asks, her shoulders slumping with relief. “Everyone got back here before us though.”
