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Except, I don’t know that I’m going to be fine. As Patrick starts to talk about the statistics of people dying in the woods during the winter, the room starts to shrink around me. I breathe slowly through my nose, trying to grip the edge of the table tight.
It’s hard to believe it’s been this many years and I still feel like I’m going to break down.
“Are you alright?” Dani asks as she crouches down beside me. “I know this stuff can be hard to look at.”
I shake my head and open my notebook. “I’m fine. Everything is fine.”
She gives me a skeptical look before glancing at the name tag stuck to the front of my white Henley shirt. “Jessie, I need to know that you’re going to be able to do this job. That means that if you need help, you need to tell me or Patrick. We can work with you to get through the hard parts, but that’s only if we know about them.”
My cheeks feel like they’re on fire as I nod. “I just have some fear about heading out into the woods. Nothing I won’t be able to deal with in time.”
“It will get easier. I used to hate going out in the cold. Thankfully, this is a job where you’ll always be with at least one other person, both when you’re in the Barn and out of it. There’s always going to be someone around to offer you support when you need it.”
Dani gives me a reassuring smile before getting up and heading to the other side of the room. She disappears through one of the open doors, shutting it behind her softly.
Patrick is still droning on at the front of the room. He paces back and forth in front of the screen, gesturing at some of the numbers projected there. I try to focus on what he’s saying, but the feeling of being trapped still holds my body hostage.
“Alright, I’m going to be handing out papers now,” Patrick says, grabbing a stack of papers from a table near the front of the room. “We have switchboard operators here. These are their schedules. You’ll see that someone is here at all times to man the boards. You and your partner will be given shifts that align with this schedule. If you’re going to have a problem with the hours you’ll be doing training, then I suggest you head for the door now.”
Two different people grumble to each other and their partners after receiving the schedule. I look down, trying to commit the names of the operators to memory. Even if they’re going to be in a different room most of the time, I want to make sure I know who I’m talking to and how to communicate with them.
I need to be great at this job. Excelling in the training is going to get me the fellowship.
The two complaining people get up and gather their things. Patrick nods as they hand the schedules back to him. He offers them a smile and some quiet words before they head for the door.
As soon as the door is shut behind them, he returns to the front of the room and taps his tablet. The presentation moves to the next slide, a picture of frostbite wounds.
“First, I’m going to ask that the two of you who just lost partners now team up,” Patrick says, motioning for the two solo people to get together. “We’ll be working out individual schedules later. Right now, we’re going to continue with frostbite.”
I focus on writing down the schedule for all the operators in my notebook. There’s no way I can look at those pictures and not think about what happened all those years ago.
It’s in the past. I have to move forward. I’m alright. I’m going to be fine.
Except I don’t think I am going to be fine. There are going to be many conversations with my therapist over the course of this training. I can see it now.
“Alright, now, what we’re going to be talking about are the benefits of being trained in emergency wilderness medicine and how it translates to being able to work in an emergency medicine unit within a hospital.”
I sit forward in my seat as he moves to the next slide. This is the part of the training that I’m interested in. Working in an emergency department is the dream I’ve been chasing for years.
As I take notes, the door to the Barn opens. A thin stream of light cuts across the room before it disappears again. Footsteps echo against the wood floors before the chair beside me screeches.
“Sorry,” a man says, his voice gruff as he drops into the seat beside me.
“How good of you to join us.” Patrick doesn’t look up as he taps away on the tablet to the next slide. “I trust that this is the first and only time you will ever be late.”
“Yes, sir,” the man beside me says.
My spine stiffens, the voice familiar. It’s one I haven’t heard in five years, but I would remember it anywhere. I glance over at Brookes McAllister and time seems to stop.
He’s still as handsome as the last time I saw him, though fine lines are starting to form at the corners of his eyes. If I’m being honest, it only makes him that much more attractive.
I allow my blonde hair to fall in front of my face, trying to use it as a shield from him. As I pull my phone out of my pocket, I try not to catch Patrick’s attention. I don’t want to make any more of an impression on my first day than I already have.
Anger flows through me as I type out a message to Brea. She is never going to believe that yet another person who abandoned me has walked back into my life. I’ll be surprised if she doesn’t threaten to cut off his balls.
However, the message doesn’t send. I sigh and run my hand down my face. Of course. Why would there be good signal in the middle of nowhere?
I should confront him about the way we left things. Maybe tell him what a jackass he was. It might make me feel better about everything.
