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All we do is distract each other.
“We need to talk.” Brookes looks at me like I’m ripping out his heart and tearing it into a million little pieces. “We have a few minutes before we have to start searching.”
I take a step back from him. I can’t think when the scent of his cologne is wrapping around me. It lulls me into a false sense of security that I can’t have right now. I need to be sharp. I need to stay on my toes and try to remember all my training.
I don’t have time to talk to him about everything going wrong in our relationship. Now isn’t the time or place.
“Brookes, I told you that I don’t want to drag our personal lives into our professional ones. I don’t have time to talk about this right now.”
He scoffs and kicks up some of the snow before linking his hands together and turning away from me. “That’s the problem with you. You know that, right? You’re so single-minded about one thing that you can’t focus on another. I want to be here for you, Jessie, but I can only take so much of you pushing me away because you’re scared.”
Brookes’ voice is ragged and rough. He sounds like he’s on the verge of breaking down. My chest aches as I stare at the imprint of bird feet in the fresh snow.
“This isn’t about me being scared.” I adjust the harness again as I look up at him. “This is about you not respecting boundaries.”
“And if something happens up there on that mountain, this is how you want to leave things between us?” His hands drop to his sides in defeat as he leans against one of the trees. “What the hell am I supposed to do here, Jessie? You keep icing me out. I get that you’ve been through a lot in the last couple days, but this seems like more than just that.”
“We don’t have time to talk about this right now.”
Even though sharp stabs of pain pierce my heart as I turn away from him, I do it anyway. I crouch down to make sure that the top of my rescue sled is still secure. The last thing I need is for any of the supplies to fall out during the hike.
“Nice, Jessie.”
The ground crunches beneath Brookes’ boots as he walks away. The edges of my vision blur as I stand up and zip my coat up higher. My breathing is shallow as Brookes walks over to Patrick and stops beside him.
“Okay.” Patrick looks around at the three teams of people and nods. “Everyone is in their pair. We’re going to start moving up the mountain. Everyone will go in a different direction, but we’re all going to head to the top. If anyone gets injured, call in the rescue team right away.”
The volunteers gathered around the clearing mumble and nod. Boots pack snow into a hard layer as we all head for the trees. Clara gives me a small smile before heading for the path she wants to take.
Brookes and Patrick pass me, heading in the opposite direction.
If something is going to happen up there, I don’t want us to be angry at each other.
I’m being cold and cruel. I’m pushing him away to protect myself and we both know that’s what I’m doing.
It’s not fair to him. It’s not fair to me. And it certainly isn’t fair to us.
Brookes has been fighting for us since the beginning. Even when I wasn’t sure I would be able to forgive him, he kept fighting.
It’s my turn to fight for us now. Even though it’s scaring the hell out of me.
I can’t lose him. Not to the ice and snow and certainly not to my own fear.
As I reach out and grab Brookes’ sleeve, he sighs. He doesn’t turn around. Hell, he doesn’t even flinch. The only sign that he knows I’m holding on to him is that he stopped walking.
“I’m sorry,” I say, my voice breaking slightly. Snow falls harder around us, the flakes growing heavier. “I’m sorry for being so cold, and I do need you. I want you in my life, but all this is new. I’m still adjusting. I’m sorry. I’m going to be alright, and when we both get back down the mountain, I want to fix this between us.”
The cold wind whips around us as Brookes stands there. The icy chill slaps strands of my hair against my face as I wait for him to say something. Anything.
As the silence grows longer, all I can see is our relationship slipping through my fingers.
Please turn around. Please look at me and tell me that we’re going to be okay.
Brookes only shakes his arm loose and takes large steps to catch up with Patrick, disappearing through the trees.
22
BROOKES
