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We distract each other. We make each other focus on something other than the job.
I can’t lose the one good thing—the one good person—in my life.
Which means that I have to distance myself from him. I have to make sure that he doesn’t go up that mountain with me, because I won’t know what to do if he gets hurt.
I’m not going to let him die like I let my dad die.
I have no business doing the wilderness training.
I should have quit while I was ahead. I should have told Patrick that I wasn’t ready for this. I should have come up here more with Brookes and worked on navigating.
“Jessie, everything is going to be okay.” Brookes’ voice booms over the roar of the snowmobile as he chases the other snowmobiles up the winding path. He reaches down with one hand and squeezes my thigh.
There’s no way I’m doing the search with him. I keep my arms loose around his waist, not reacting to his touch even though I want to lean into it. I want to soak up all the comfort that he can offer, because I’m terrified.
I’m doing this for the fellowship.
No, I’m doing this to prove to myself that I can. I’m a badass. I can do this.
This is no different than saving lives at the hospital. If I can do that, then I can save lives in the woods.
Snow glistens off the ground and the pine trees as we pull into the clearing. Fat white flakes continue to drift down from the gray clouds overhead. As the wind whistles through the trees, it’s obvious that the snow is only going to get worse.
A storm is moving in.
My heart skips a beat and my entire body feels numb. I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to do this. Especially as the snowmobiles park in the clearing. Brookes kills the engine of ours.
I scramble off the snowmobile as quick as I can, my boots landing in the snow. None of the cold is seeping in yet and I hope it doesn’t. I still remember the way it felt all those years ago when my dad died. The cold had just started to reach me when I got back to his body with help.
After that, I was numb for weeks.
I can’t think about that right now. I have to focus on the positive. I need to think about what comes next and get through it.
I can’t put anyone else in danger because I can’t keep my head in the game.
Patrick is the first to unhook his bright orange rescue sled, packed with supplies from the snowmobile. He attaches the harness for pulling it before sliding the harness on over his coat.
He looks at Brookes with a nod. “You’re coming with me. Give Jessie your sled and she can go with Clara.”
Brookes unhooks the sled and attaches the harness before handing it to me. I step into the harness, my hands shaking as I try to adjust the straps. Brookes’ gaze burns into me for a moment before he gently pushes my hands out of the way and tightens my harness.
“Thank you.” My voice is soft as I try to fight back the demons circling around in my head.
If someone dies out here, it’s going to be my fault. I’m not going to get to them in time. I’m going to try to go for help, and I’m going to get them killed, just like I did with my dad.
“Everything is going to be fine.” Brookes dips his head to meet my gaze. “You’re going to be fine out there, and you’re going to be with Clara the entire time. She’ll make sure that nothing happens to you. Everyone is going to get back to the Barn safely.”
Though I know he’s right, all I can do is think about how everything could go wrong.
I never should have done the wilderness program. Mom is going to find out that I got more people killed, and she’s never going to be able to look me in the eyes again.
Not that she’s very good at it now, but it’s only going to get worse if I kill another person.
Brookes cups my face between his hands, but I yank away from him and take a step back. Guilt claws through me, making my stomach toss and turn. I don’t want to be so cold to him, but if he’s worrying about me, he’s not going to be able to do his job.
He needs to do his job. He’s better at taking care of people than I am. In an emergency situation—especially out here in the woods—he’s the better doctor. I’ve seen that in the time we’ve spent working together.
I can’t be the thing he’s focused on when he’s searching through the woods for the hikers.
