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The last time I heard her humming was just before Dad died.
“Brookes seems like a nice man.” Her voice hitches slightly as she leans against the counter. Her stare cuts right through me, unraveling the carefully woven threads I’ve been using to hold myself together.
“He is.”
She runs a hand through her hair. “I don’t know how to do this with you. We’ve never been close, but since your dad died, it’s like we’ve become complete strangers with each other.”
My chest tightens. “I know.”
“I should have been there for you after your dad died. I know I should have been.” She rolls her bottom lip into her mouth, biting it and holding back tears. “I haven’t been a good mother to you. I always promised that I would be different than my own mother and, in the end, I was just like her.”
“I’m going to be honest.” My voice breaks as I lean against the opposite counter and cross my arms. “I don’t know what to say to that. I’m not going to tell you that it’s alright, because it’s not. You spent years blaming me for Dad’s death.”
The tears spill over, rolling down her cheeks. “I never blamed you for his death.”
“It sure felt like it. This is the first time in years that you’ve made eye contact with me.” I exhale slowly, desperate to ease the tension in my chest. “You haven’t been there for me at all. We lived two entirely different lives over the last several years. Honestly, the fact that you even wanted my schedule and Brookes’ to figure out a trip was shocking.”
Mom wipes the tears beneath her eyes and casts her gaze up at the bright lights. “I didn’t blame you. I just couldn’t bear the guilt of looking at you and thinking about how glad I am that you’re still here. It felt like I was dishonoring your father.”
My eyes burn as my vision blurs. “I needed you, and you weren’t there for me. He died, and the one parent I had left made it seem like she would have been happier if I was the one who died in that storm.”
“I never thought that. Not once.” Mom crosses the room, stopping in front of me. “You are the person that matters most to me in the world. You have been since the day you were born. I know that there’s a lot I need to make up for, and I’m sorry.”
“Thank you.” I clear my throat and shift to the side.
“If you’re willing, I would like this to be a fresh start for us. I don’t want to waste any more time not knowing my daughter, but if you want to keep your distance, that’s fine too. I know I’ve hurt you.”
In that moment, I don’t know what to do. I want a relationship with my mom. I want her to be there on the day I get married, to walk me down the aisle.
But there’s a lot of hurt there too.
“Is it okay if we take this day by day?” My voice wavers as I rub a hand over my chest, trying to still my racing heart. “I don’t know what that’s going to look like, but I don’t want to commit to anything I might not be ready for.”
Mom nods, still standing in front of me. “We can take this however slow you need to. I think it would be good for both of us. We can’t change who we are overnight.”
The tight feeling in my chest relaxes as she puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes. A hug would be too much right now. It would send me over the edge, making me too stressed to even consider the idea of a relationship with my mother.
“Your dad would be so proud of the woman you’ve become, Jessie.” Mom leaves me to yank open a drawer and pull out the cutlery. “I know I am.”
We fall silent as I set the table and she checks on the food. When I go back out into the living room, Brookes looks up from his phone with a smile. He holds open an arm as I drop down onto the couch beside him.
“How did that go?” He presses a kiss to the top of my head.
“It went alright. I think we have a lot to work on, but she wants to work on those things with me.”
Brookes grins and holds me a little closer. “Good. It would be a shame for her to not have you in her life. She’d really be missing out. I know I would be if you weren’t in mine.”
I laugh and elbow him gently. “You’re just saying that.”
“Nope. I don’t know what I would do without you. You are the single greatest thing to happen to me.”
I tilt my head up and kiss him. “You are the very best thing about my life.”
“Let’s see if you still feel that way once I have to devote all my spare time to getting the rural ambulance service up and running.”
As I nestle deeper into his side, a sense of peace washes over me.
Even though the months we’re about to spend bringing his dreams to life may put a strain on us, I’m sure we’re going to be able to make it through.
