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Tyler watched him. Was it obvious that Holden was jealous of Finn? He had to be a good ten or fifteen years younger than him and he had a lean, easy body and a beautiful unlined face. Why wouldn’t he come sniffing around Tyler? Those two would have been great together. He tried not to scowl at his unwelcome thoughts. He hated jealousy. He hated that while he shouldn’t have had any competition for Tyler’s affections in this closed backwater, Tyler had already made a friend of the hottest guy in town.
“His partner’s the sheriff, you know that, right?” Tyler finally said after a silence.
Holden almost exhaled with relief. He had taken a seat next to the hot sheriff at the counter, but hadn’t noticed his interaction with Finn, too busy signing the book for the emo kid. “Really?” he said.
“Yeah.” They watched each other once again. “Did you think he was here for some nefarious purpose?” Tyler looked amused.
Holden felt heat rise up his neck. “Maybe.” He raised an eyebrow, trying to be nonchalant when his pulse beat hard with this all important question that he’d wanted to ask since he met this guy. “Are you gay?”
Tyler looked back at him steadily. “Yeah.”
Holden wanted to fist-pump the air. He didn’t know why, when he had zero chance with Tyler. He tried to keep it calm. “How did that work out for you in the military?”
Tyler scowled. He said nothing.
“Were you out?”
“What do you think?”
Their gazes held. “I’m sorry,” Holden said gently. “I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you.”
He saw Tyler swallow. He looked away.
Holden wanted him to speak. He wanted to hear Tyler’s story. Maybe he wanted to hear the tale of someone so much worse off than him. You lost your money and your home. You didn’t lose your leg. While your mental health has suffered a blow, it’s nothing compared to what this man will suffer for the rest of his life. Maybe listening would put his own troubles into perspective. Maybe he could help Tyler, just by being here. By being the only person here for him as far as Holden could see.
“It’s as macho as you think,” Tyler said.
“Yeah,” Holden said.
“I had friends but… I had to pretend around them. Tell them I was free and easy and didn’t want to get tied down to one woman. While I was picking up guys in bars as soon as I got back on leave.”
“And your family?”
Tyler licked his lips. “I signed up to get away from my family. My dad, when I came out, he…took it bad.” He picked at the label on his beer bottle. “I don’t know, maybe I did it to prove I could be as hard and brave as the next man. That I wasn’t the pansy he accused me of being.” His voice was unsteady. “That sleeping with men didn’t mean I had no balls at all. So I chose the most macho job I could think of.”
Holden felt a tightness in his throat. He was worried that Tyler was going to cry and then Holden would most definitely cry too.
“And your mom?”
Pain flashed across Tyler’s face. “She died, on my first tour of Afghanistan. A hit and run driver. I hadn’t seen her in two years. She chose my dad’s side, even though she sent me messages and asked me to stay in touch.”
Holden regarded him for a long moment. Yeah, Tyler’s story was infinitely worse than his own. From today, Holden couldn’t ever feel sorry for himself again. “I’m sorry,” he said. “You’ve been dealt a shitty hand.”
Tyler drained his bottle. He shrugged. “Guys out there got four fucking amputations. They’re worse off than me.”
“Don’t compare yourself to anyone else,” Holden said softly, even though he had been doing just that. “You’ve suffered and you continue to suffer. Don’t ever think you should just get on with it. You’re entitled to feel lost and afraid and alone. No one should go through what you’ve been through.”
Tyler stared at him. His grey eyes were filmed with tears. He held his bottle up. “Please can I have another?”
Holden rose. “Yes, you can.” He stepped towards Tyler to retrieve his bottle. For a moment he stood close, looking down at the man on his couch who seemed small and shrunken suddenly with the weight of his pain like a cloak around him. Holden wanted to make it better. He didn’t want to ever see a human being suffer the way Tyler obviously did. He turned away with his eyes welling and headed for the kitchen.
He tried to compose himself as he flipped the tops off two more bottles. Things had gotten serious. Maybe he had invited Tyler over for the wrong reasons, but now things had changed. Now, if anything happened, Holden wanted it to happen in order to provide comfort to Tyler, to show him he was not alone in the world. Not because his addiction was in charge and Tyler happened to be collateral damage.
He returned to the lounge and handed Tyler his bottle. Then he resumed his seat.
“What happened with your leg?” Holden said. He hadn’t meant to ask this so soon. Hadn’t meant for it to come out so bluntly.
Tyler regarded him for a long moment. He took a drink of his beer and stifled a burp. “Does it repulse you?” he asked.
