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“You’re good with them,” he said.
“Is it possible to be bad with puppies?” I asked. “They do most of the work.”
Sidney laughed softly. “I guess that’s true. It’s still cute in any case.”
“Well, that’s a relief because it’s my goal in life to be cute.” I stuck my tongue out at him and heat flooded his gaze. I raised one questioning eyebrow. “You okay?”
“Great!” His voice cracked and he cringed. “What were your other heats like? If that’s not too weird to ask.”
I wished I could see into his brain. He looked like he was fighting some sort of battle, but I couldn’t quite discern what it was about except that I seemed to be in the center of it.
“Nah, not too weird.” I speared a bite of steak and didn’t answer right away, trying to collect my thoughts. “They were good. I mean, it’s hard to compare. To be honest, it’s probably for the best that I didn’t get to share another heat with you.”
He perked up. “Oh? Why is that?”
How honest did I want to be? Might as well pour it out. He probably had the right to know that I was a bit obsessed. “Truthfully, I was a bit of a mess for a long time afterward.”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“No! God, not at all.” I laughed. “If anything, you did too many things right. I had no idea how to go back to my regular life. I couldn’t recapture any of what I had felt. I’d wake up from dreams and I’d be sweaty and desperate, completely unable to satisfy myself.”
Whiffs of sweet citrus and clove teased my nose, betraying his reaction to my words.
“How—how did you deal with that?”
“Not well.” I pushed my plate away and sat back. “I eventually caved and bought a couple sex toys to help, but I was so paranoid over my mom finding them or hearing me use them that it made it hard to enjoy.”
“Oh, yeah, I remember you mentioning that she could be invasive.”
“Very. At least I’m moved out now, so I don’t have that issue anymore.” I winked at him and heat flashed in his eyes again. “A lot of stuff with heats was…it’s embarrassing.”
“How so? I’ve heard pretty much everything before, so I bet it’s not that embarrassing.”
I pouted. “I guess I’ll let you be the judge then.”
“A wise choice.” Sidney grinned.
“I skipped going on suppressants right away because I didn’t want to delay my next heat. Except then you weren’t available, and it was too late to start them. I was ridiculously disappointed.”
“I wouldn’t say that’s embarrassing, per se. If anything, it’s flattering. Who did you end up with?”
“Nick, for that one. He was honestly good, but we both knew he wasn’t my first choice. The one after that when I’d wanted to go with you again, I ended up with Carla. She was great, but not what I wanted, even though she did make me come so hard I passed out.” I giggled, my nervousness demanding it. “It was intense.”
Every heat helper I had been with after Sidney had done their job just fine, but not a single one touched my craving for him. They were all a Band-Aid over something that was broken. I didn’t know how to make him understand without coming across as a total weirdo.
“Carla’s actually a good friend of mine. I’m glad she took care of you.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Mhmm. She’s not a heat helper anymore, though. She had to quit early after an accident that fucked up her mobility, but she’s doing pretty well now. Opened a tattoo shop with her two boyfriends.”
“That sucks about the accident. I’m glad she’s doing well. She was super sweet with me even if it wasn’t the same as with you,” I added. “All the heat helpers I saw got me through the heat fine, but…”
I was paying too much attention to the subtle hints of his body. The way he shifted toward me so slightly, the barely perceptible flush to his cheeks, and the subtle spikes in his scent.
“What made me different?”
That was a question I had asked myself a million times and still didn’t have a concrete answer for.
