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I felt the squeeze of encouragement my uncle gave me as we started our march down that red carpet, leading to a fate I wouldn’t have chosen for myself. Either way, I’d do it to honor my family and their word. Because even if I wasn’t a Man of Honor, I still lived by those same principles.
“He’d be proud of you,” I heard him say, his voice betraying him by the end of that sentence. My father was his brother, after all, and not knowing what happened to him left us all in a limbo none of us cared for.
He had gone missing. Vanished into thin air. Not knowing exactly what happened, if he was dead or alive, was the worst feeling in the world. There was no possibility for closure or action. It was as if we were stuck mid-fall, needing a push or a shove to end this torturous guessing.
“Maybe,” I shrugged, trying as hard as I could not to let his words affect me more than I already was. I needed my strength for the battle ahead, and in this state, my wit was nowhere to be found.
I looked up to find Matt staring at me, his eyebrows furrowed together as if he had x-ray vision and could see right through the fabric covering my face. The closer we got, the tighter his brows knit together. Pity. I didn’t care for the sentiment, neither did I need it.
Without the warning I knew my father would have given any man who’d stand at the altar ready to marry me, my uncle set my hand in Matt’s. I still needed a moment before I faced forever, so I let my head hang for just a while longer.
“Francesca.” His deep voice shook me all the way from my bones to the smallest cell in my body. I loathed the pull I had for the man in front of me. I wanted to hate him with every fiber of my being, yet there was a small breach in that wall I so strongly wanted to hold up. I wouldn’t let that fragile fissure grow into a full crack. I’d fight it with all I had.
Right?
Matt tilted my head up, my voice hoarse and shaky, asking him to leave my veil down gave away my tears and sadness. I wasn’t expecting him to try to comfort me. Even so, I swerved, not allowing his caress to reach me.
I needed the mafioso beast out. I needed him to be ruthless and heartless, manipulative and coarse.
Damn his kindness. That’s not the mafiosi way. Not what I expected and needed to nurture the grudge I couldn’t let go of.
With that one small motion, he cracked my wall a little further without permission. I hated him even more for it.
I stood there at the altar of my doom, staring at the God in front of me wearing a black tailored tux, my soon-to-be husband, knowing that under that drape of glory stood the devil in disguise.
This could have been something more. Something less controlling and patriarchal. If only he had asked.
I couldn’t see past the fact of what I was to these men.
A thing.
An object to wield at their will and desire.
I hadn’t opposed marrying Liam, Matt’s brother. Yet that didn’t give them the right to switch and swap at will, not caring to even consult me on the matter. They just decided that the direction of the rest of my life didn’t require my opinion. It was bad enough that my uncle agreed, but I couldn’t help but hold Matt as the main culprit. He’d set it all up, after all. It was his idea to swap places with his brother and get The Commission to agree to it without even warning me first.
It was a low blow to my ego. Even lower one to my heart.
For the first time in years, it had fluttered at the thought of a man.
Having him discard my opinion as if I was nothing stung more than the arrangement itself. I had a voice, and it could have served to say yes if he had just come to talk to me first without going behind my back and changing my fate without my input. Matt hadn’t respected me enough to do that.
“You may now kiss the bride.” The priest finally said.
I allowed myself one last carnal pleasure, feeding my anger with the intensity of the kiss we shared. Decorum was left at the door, never mind the crowd of people and divinities witnessing our tongues mingling with herculean restraint not to take this moment of weakness further.
It couldn’t help my thoughts from wandering to the possibility of desecrating this sacred place with the most unholy of acts. There wasn’t enough holy water to cleanse me for what I craved to do. For what I craved him to do to me ever since he refilled my glass with a smooth shot of Macallan.
The betrayal I felt grew wilder at that thought, giving me strength to cut the kiss and get my fire burning again. I couldn’t let such a man pull me under.
Not now. Not again.
I was smart enough to learn from my past and not repeat the same mistakes. Controlling men served themselves first and foremost, not minding who they hurt in the process. This marriage was exactly that. I was the missing piece to Matt’s ascension and nothing more.
I’d stand my ground and show Matt that I wasn’t his to control. No doubt it would be a struggle. Still I came baring my teeth, and I wouldn’t yield until he backed down. I was protecting innocents from slaughter, nothing more, yet no man on this earth would ever control me again.
???
As I sat at the main table with Matt to my left, I nibbled on the ridiculous amount of food being served, merely pushing it around my plate before it was replaced.
