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His face darkened. “A different woman. Jen. She’s…” He trailed off.
Shit. It was stupid of me to think yesterday would be our last conversation.
Liam looked confused as I walked out to the front of the station. One of the fire engines was parked out front, being washed down by some of the Probationary firefighters. Jen was standing a short distance away, arms crossed over her chest, hunched forward in a defensive position.
I glanced at the rookies, and they put down their sponges and went inside.
Up close, it was obvious why Mateo was unnerved. Jen’s eyes were bloodshot, and her nose was red and swollen from crying. Fresh tears shimmered when she saw me.
“Hi, Jen.”
“I know… you said… a lot yesterday,” she stammered. This was hard for her. “But I just… I just need to hear it again. I need to understand.”
I let out a long sigh. Which was kinder: a long drawn-out explanation, or a simple break? “I care about you a lot, Jen. The last six months have been great. But…” I hesitated. “We want different things. You want children, and I don’t. It’s better to end things now than continue on and fight about it later.”
She let out a sniffle. “But… you always said… I thought you…”
“I was wrong. I thought I wanted children, but I don’t. It took me a while to realize that.”
Jen’s gaze bore into me like a jackhammer. “I don’t… I could change my mind…”
I shook my head. “You want to be a mother. It’s who you are. I could never ask you to sacrifice that. This is a fundamental incompatibility between us. I know it hurts, but it’s easier now than it will be later. Deep down, I think you know this.”
Slowly, she nodded. Then she turned away and walked back to her car, got inside, and drove away.
I sighed. That was harder than I expected it to be.
Mateo and Liam were chatting when I went back inside. They grew quiet as I approached. “You broke up with Jen?”
“We broke up yesterday,” I said.
“Why did you not tell me this?” Mateo asked.
“Didn’t feel like talking about it,” I replied.
Liam tossed his head and groaned. “This is because of Alyssa.”
“This has nothing to do with her.”
“You expect me to believe,” Liam said slowly, “that you broke up with your girlfriend the same week Alyssa shows back up in your life, and that’s just some coincidence?”
“I don’t expect you to believe anything. Jen and I had been coasting for a while. If we hadn’t broken up this week, it would’ve been a week from now, or the week after that.”
“Now I feel like a real shit for sleeping with Alyssa,” he muttered. “Didn’t feel bad when I knew you and Jen had a good thing going. But now…”
I braced my friend by the shoulders. “This has nothing to do with her. I’m glad Jen and I are done, and I’m glad you and Alyssa hooked up. Now can we get to work? The Lieutenant wants us to fill all the reserve oxygen tanks, and I want to get it done before any calls come in.”
I walked away, hoping they had bought the lie. Because the truth was Alyssa had everything to do with my breaking up with Jen yesterday. Jen and I were happy and comfortable, and I cared about her. I maybe even loved her, to some small degree.
But those emotions paled in comparison to the way Alyssa made me feel, for better or for worse. Jen was a candle compared to the raging inferno that was Alyssa Ford. She was a reminder that I had the capacity for tremendous, earth-shattering love. With that realization, I couldn’t settle for something that was just good.
Whether it was Alyssa or some other woman, I had to search for more.
It’s probably not Alyssa, I told myself as we began checking the O2 tanks.
Probably.
12
