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“What do you hate him for?”
“For being stupid. For fucking doing the shit he was doing.”
“Did you know he was an addict?”
“Yes and no,” I answer honestly. “I knew he was on something. Knew it in my gut, saw some signs, but that he would have overdosed? Fuck no. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would get there.”
“As someone who has come back from an overdose,” he says, his voice never changing, “I can say it’s nothing that is done on purpose.”
“God,” I mutter, the tears now coming out like a dripping faucet, “why couldn’t I fucking stop him?” My voice cracks. “Why the fuck didn’t I have a chance to stop him?”
“Guilt,” my uncle says. “Guilt is worse than living with sadness and anger. You see, guilt will eat away at you. Guilt will take over your whole life, and you won’t even fucking know the most important thing.”
“And what is that?”
“That you’re the one still alive. That it didn’t matter what you said, what I said, what his wife would have said to him. The ball was in Benji’s court and no one else’s.” Neither of us says anything as my eyes get heavy. “Now, I’m going to call your father and tell him I spoke to you. But I’m also not going to lie to him. You need to speak to someone, son,” he suggests softly. “Someone who has the tools you need to cope with it.” I still don’t say anything. “I want you to call me tomorrow.” I’m about to say something. “If you don’t, I’m calling your uncles Matthew and Max, along with Grandpa and your father, and we will start the phone chain.” I smile because my family can be a lot of things and can be a lot to handle, but the one thing they do is show up when you need them.
“Fine, I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“I love you, Christopher,” he says, the tears starting over again, “like you’re my son.” He doesn’t have to say it. None of them have to say it because we know. “And I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks, Uncle Viktor.” My voice is a whisper. “Give Auntie Zoe a kiss for me.”
“Will do,” he assures me, and I hang up the phone, placing it on my stomach. I lie here, looking up at the ceiling as the room gets darker. Only when it’s pitch black does my phone beep on my stomach.
Picking it up, I see it’s a text from Koda. My hand fumbles to unlock it, hoping she’s about to give me something, anything. But there in the middle of the screen is her answer, and just like that I’m cut off at the knees again. One word and one word only.
Koda: No.
CHAPTER SIX
dakota
One month later
“Okay, my girls,” I announce once I walk into the kitchen, tucking my white cotton button-down shirt into my light beige cargo pants, “are we ready for school?” I clap my hands as the girls finish their breakfast. “First day of school.” I shoot up my hand, wiggling my fingers like jazz hands.
“Are you done?” I ask Luna, who puts the last piece of strawberry in her mouth and nods at me. “Go brush your teeth.”
“Okay, Momma,” she agrees, sliding off the stool she was on and skipping over to the downstairs bathroom, where they both have extra toothbrushes for after breakfast time.
“What about you?” I look over at Rain. “You done with yours?”
“Yeah,” she says softly, pushing her plate with three strawberries toward me. “I’m going to go brush my teeth.”
“Okay.” I put the plates in the sink to deal with after drop-off. Luna comes back, skipping the whole time, a smile on her beautiful face.
I squat down in front of her. “You know how pretty you are?” I ask, and she shrugs with shyness. I kiss her nose before Rain comes back in. Her accordion uniform skirt sways left and right as she tucks in her white polo shirt.
“Ready?” I ask as she slides her white-socked feet into her blue Mary Jane shoes.
“Ready, Freddy,” Luna chirps before walking to the front door, where I usher the kids out of the house. Grabbing each of them, I slide their backpacks onto their shoulders, and Rain picks up her lunchbox.
We walk down the steps toward the white Range Rover. “Oh, girls,” I say, stopping as I’m opening the back door of the SUV, “we need to send Grandpa a picture of the three of us.”
I squat down between them and smile at the camera. “Say hip, hip hooray for school.” I extend my arm in front of me and snap a picture of the three of us smiling. I was very good with my makeup today; you can barely see the black circles under my eyes from sleeping three to five hours a night.
I open my text and hurriedly text Eddie before I get Luna in the car, helping her buckle her seat belt, while Rain does hers. “It’s going to be a good day.” I slam the back door closed and then open the driver’s side door.
