Page 12 of Meant For Her

The kids and I listen to music on the way to drop off Rain first. Driving is the time I kind of hate the most because I let my mind wander. It’s been almost three months since Benji died. Our new normal has been a learning curve for all of us. After I packed away his clothes and had Eddie take them out, I thought it would be easier, but it’s been harder than ever. I sometimes find Rain crying and saying she misses her dad. Luna is a little less often because I don’t think she gets the full picture.

I pull into the parking lot, seeing a couple of familiar faces from last year. I also see a couple of the wives huddled together, talking and laughing. I get out of the SUV, opening the back door to let Luna out before helping Rain get down.

“Have everything?” I ask, looking down at her. I avoid looking up because I can feel that all eyes are on us. I know people are watching, wondering how we are doing. Wondering if we are coping. Wondering how the fuck I’m going to do it. Or maybe it’s all in my head, and my paranoia is cutting in.

I hold the girls’ hands as we walk into the schoolyard. “Are we going to have the best day?” I ask them, and they both nod at me. I finally look up at everyone and see a couple of people quickly look away, afraid of getting caught staring at us, while a couple of the wives hold their hands up and wave.

I stop by the brown door where the teacher waits for everyone. “Okay, Rain.” I squat down in front of her, blinking away the tears that are itching to come out. “Give me a hug.”

She wraps her arms around my neck. “You’ll be here to pick me up, right?” she whispers.

“You betcha,” I assure her. “Then we’ll go and get Luna together,” I whisper in her ear before kissing her cheek. “I love you, baby girl.”

“Love you too, Mom,” she replies and then turns around, walking into the brown door. I stand back up and watch her walk down the hall with another little girl. My heart feels like it’s going to pound right through my chest. I wait until I can’t see her anymore and quickly wipe away the lone tear from the corner of my eye.

“Shall we go drop you off?” I look over at Luna, who’s standing beside me, holding my hand.

I walk toward the gate to leave the schoolyard but have to move more to the side when the school bus gets here. About seventy kids all rush to get into the school. I come face-to-face with the wives, who are all hanging out chatting. “Hey,” Paulette says to me, a smile on her face, “how are you?” She comes to kiss me on my cheek.

“Hi, guys.” I put on a fake smile, going to the four of them and kissing their cheeks. The team has been really good about bringing food for us periodically. At first, it was every single day, sometimes twice a day. The calls were nonstop, but now they are slowing down, which is something I knew would happen.

“Hey,” Brittany reminds me, “don’t forget Friday night.” I look at her confused about what Friday night is. “Remember, I called you last week?” She laughs. “It’s the big family skate day right before the preseason starts.” It’s something the team has been doing for the past ten years. It was a night when everyone had the best time. Back from summer break, right before heading back to the reality of being on the road and starting the season. It was one of the girls’ favorite times, so I said yes because I thought they would love it, but deep down, I don’t think it’s a good idea.

I swallow down the big golf ball. “Yeah, I think we’re still good to go,” I say, put on the spot, knowing I can’t lie with Luna here. Because one thing I’ve learned about lying with kids is that they will out you each time. “I’ll let you know.” I look down at Luna, who is waving like crazy to a couple of girls who have come over for playdates. “You ladies have a great day,” I say as quickly as I can to get the fuck out of here.

Drop-off for Luna is a little less awkward but still the same. The teachers look at us like they all feel sorry for us, and I have to fight not to tell them all to fuck off, which is the stupidest thing. Luna quickly waves her hand before rushing to play with her friends.

With my head down, I walk out of the daycare to the car. The phone beeps in my hand, and I see it’s a text from Christopher.

Christopher: Happy first day back at school and daycare.

My heart hammers faster and faster seeing the sentence. When the phone pings again, this time the back of my neck is burning.

Christopher: I’d like to come by and see the kids, maybe take you guys out for dinner? Let me know.

“What the fuck,” I mumble. Opening up the text app, I see that instead of sending the picture to Eddie, I sent it to Christopher. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I curse, pulling open the driver’s side door and getting in. Christopher is the only one who has been calling daily. Every single day, he calls, and every single time, I decline the call. I don’t even know why I decline the call; I just do. But lately, he’s been texting me also. Every single day, he asks me if I need anything. I answered him once and never again, but the texts still come. He tries to word the sentences different each time, but in the end, it’s the same. Are you and the girls okay? Bottom line—we are not.

I toss my phone aside, starting the car and driving to go get myself a coffee before I make my way over to my appointment.

The phone feels like it weighs a million pounds as I pull open the glass door before taking the elevator up to the seventh floor. “Hi,” I greet as soon as I step off the elevator. “How are you, Melanie?” I say to the receptionist.

“I’m great, Dakota.” She smiles, using my full name. “She is waiting for you. You can go ahead.”

I nod at her, walking toward the open brown door in the corner, stepping in, and closing it behind me. “Hello, Koda,” Dr. Mendes says to me, her face beaming with a smile. “How are you doing?” She walks around her desk to greet me. “Please, have a seat wherever you want.” She points at the couch she has in the corner or the single chair beside it.

“Hi,” I reply softly, going to the couch and sitting down, “I’m doing…” I take a breath and let the tears come. This is my safe space. “Just dropped the kids off at school.”

“It’s a big day,” she notes softly, going to sit in another single chair that faces the couch. “First day of school is emotional on a whole other level.”

I nod at her. “It really is.” I wipe the tears away. “I know them being in school is going to be good. I know they need it, but I’m…” I try to think of the words. “I think I’m feeling lost.”

“Well, you’ve had a roller coaster the last three months,” she points out. “It’s like you are constantly on the go to make sure the kids don’t feel like they are missing out on anything, and now it’s slowed down, and they have gotten off, but you are still on there waiting.”

During one of my insomnia nights in the beginning, I spent a long time on the internet searching for things about how to go on after losing your loved one. The most mentioned was seeking help, so I called the top name and came to Dr. Mendes. We had a phone call before anything to see if we meshed well, and I loved her from the get-go. The first meeting with her was a rough one because all I did was sob. Literally sobbed for a whole hour. I think maybe I got out five words, but she just sat there knowing this was what I needed, and in the end, I really did. Especially since I never shed a tear in front of the kids, being free to do this with her, knowing no one was going to catch me, was freeing in a way. “Yeah,” I say, sitting back and playing with the white paper coffee cup in my hand.

“What else is on your mind?” she asks, looking from me to my hands nervously trying to stay busy.

“There is this big event this Friday with Benji’s team,” I admit to her.

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