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“No,” my father says, “get it today.” He grabs a piece of bread out of the basket.
“This is your idea?” I ask as I take the puck and the pen, signing my name.
“Yeah,” he declares proudly as I hand her back the puck. She holds it in her hand and smiles so big I would sign a puck daily if it made her smile like that.
“Thank you, thank you.” She turns and walks over to Koda, who has moved away from me and now chats with my aunt about something.
“Mommy, here,” she says to Koda as she hands the puck to her. “Can you put this in your purse and make sure you don’t lose it?” She opens her purse and sticks it back in, then walks back and places her purse at the door before coming back. She totally avoids looking in my direction, totally avoids that I’m standing right here in the middle of the room, and she has yet to say hello to me. She probably thinks I’m a fucking creep as she walks back over to my aunt and mother, continuing the conversation. My hands ball into fists beside me as I try to talk myself out of going up to her and asking her if I can talk to her.
“You okay?” I hear from beside me, turning to see my father looking at me with a weird expression.
“I’m fine,” I snap, not paying attention to anything because I’m trying to calm myself down. I just need a minute to myself. “I’ll be back,” I tell him, walking toward the stairs and going up them, where I hope to just sit for a minute and get myself together. I find the bathroom, locking the door, and sit on the edge of the bath, hoping like fuck whatever is going on inside me stops. Knowing that whatever it is, I need to get over it because it will never happen. Knowing that whatever I am feeling I have to stop. I don’t want to have these feelings. I lean forward, my head hanging down. “I can’t do it.” I look at myself in the mirror, avoiding looking in my eyes because no matter how much I tell myself I can’t do it, my heart tells me that maybe, just maybe, I can.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
dakota
I walk out of my Pilates class at the same time the phone rings in my hand. Turning it over, I see it’s Zara Stone calling me. My heart races in my chest as I wonder why she would be calling me. I mean, over the years we have spoken on the phone, but that was only to talk to her about a dress I wanted to buy from her for an event. “Hello,” I say, putting the phone to my ear, my hands starting to shake as I do so.
“Koda.” Her soft voice comes through, and I can tell she’s on speaker. “How are you?”
“Hey.” I unlock my door and climb into the driver’s side. “I’m good. How are you?” I try not to sound like I’m frazzled by her calling. My immediate thought is something is wrong with Christopher, and I don’t want to think about anything bad happening to him.
“Amazing.” I swear I can feel her hype energy through the phone. “I guess you are wondering why I’m calling you?”
“Um,” I say, starting the SUV, “you can say that.” I laugh nervously, closing my eyes, trying to beat back the anxiety that was pouring through my body less than thirty seconds ago.
“I was just chatting with Zoe, and she mentioned she saw you this weekend.”
“Yes.” I look down at the phone, putting it on speakerphone before the Bluetooth catches. “It’s too bad you couldn’t make it.”
“I know, it would have been amazing to see you.” She stops talking for a second. “I hope you don’t mind, but she told me you were looking into getting back into the workforce.” Three days ago, we went to Sunday lunch, and even though I secretly dreaded being there, I went for the kids. I was doing whatever I could not to be forced to look around and see if Christopher was there. I don’t know what was going on with him, but the whole lunch, he was quiet, except when it came to the girls. He sat with them for lunch while I sat at the table with the women, but as soon as I would go to them or say something, he avoided looking at me. To be honest, it made me sick to my stomach. Instead of just grabbing the girls and heading out, I stayed longer than I should have. I’m not sure why, but I did. I mean, maybe I knew deep down why I stayed, but I wasn’t going to admit that, not even to myself. I was also very not ready to face Keely if she was there. I mean, I didn’t know if she would be there or not, but once I did a quick sweep of the room, I was really happy she wasn’t there. Of course, I couldn’t just come out and ask him where she was. I also didn’t want to, so there was that.
“I am,” I admit. “I figured it was time. Of course, my first priority is my girls.” That fact is nonnegotiable in my book.
“Obviously not even a question.” She wades in, telling me, “My business has always had a family first motto.” I can hear her moving around on her end. “With that said, I would like to know if you are interested in meeting with me to discuss a couple of things. I know you have a background in fashion, and you used to be a personal shopper.” She mentions the last job I had before I got pregnant with Rain, and Benji and I decided I would be a stay-at-home mom.
“Yes,” I reply, nervous now, “whenever you can.”
“I’m good to fly down there tomorrow if you can meet. We are in New York now.”
“That would work, but I feel bad you have to come all this way. Would a Zoom work also?”
“Whatever you want to do. I’m open to coming down there and meeting, or we can do it via Zoom…” She trails off. “I’m going to be very honest with you.” I hold my breath. “I want you to come and work for me. I love your style, I always have. I’ve told you this throughout the years. But I don’t want you to think I’m giving you the job because of whatever.” She doesn’t mention Benji, and I’m happy she doesn’t say his name. “I found out you were going to be throwing your hat in the workforce, and I’d like you to hang your hat at Zara’s Closet.” She mentions the online company she started so many years ago. She’s now sought after by the biggest stars to style them.
“Wow,” I say because it’s still… wow. All I can do is blink as I think about her speech.
“We have a client roster with a three-year waiting list, and I know that adding you will help bring that down. You can work from home and set your own hours.”
“I don’t know what to say.” The tear I didn’t know was forming falls over my lid. “This is?—”
“It’s too much,” she groans. “I promised Zoe I would go in lightly, but you know us. It’s balls to the wall each time.” I can’t help but laugh as I wipe away the tear. “How about you think about it, and we can touch base tomorrow afternoon?”
“I would absolutely love that,” I tell her. We hang up shortly after that, and I’m almost in a daze the rest of the afternoon.
I text Dr. Mendes after the call and right before I start dinner.
Me: Do you have an emergency space for me tomorrow?
