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Riding on the back of Gunner’s bike has been the freest I've felt in a long time. My life for the past twenty years has not been easy. Coming back here, to Gunner and his club, has wreaked havoc on not just my mind but my heart. In the past, I’ve struggled and fought, but I healed or healed as much as I could. Being here and near him, I can admit that my resolve to stay away, to fight to keep my heart guarded, and not to let him in, has become harder. On more than one occasion, I’ve given in. I get lost in the small touches and sweet words, lost in his arms, feeling his love surrounding me. My mind wants to fight, but my heart knows who and what it wants. And after tonight I don’t know if there is much more fight in me, but I also know that I wouldn’t be me if I made things easy for either of us.
With a shake of my head. I pull away from Gunner as he parks his bike in front of his home, which is tucked away behind the clubhouse. A home I have refused to enter since coming here, a home he shared with her. I try to stop my body's reaction to being here, but it doesn’t go unnoticed because when I stiffen, so does he. My arms are still around his waist. I can feel him taking a deep breath before slowly releasing it. I do not know what time it is but looking around there is no one in sight, no music coming from the clubhouse other than the floodlights being on, it’s late or early enough for the party to be over and for everyone to have gone to bed.
When Gunner dismounts, he doesn’t look at me, but he offers me his hand to help me off his bike. It’s awkward and I want to argue and make him take me back to the clubhouse or Taz and Bellamy’s place, but I don’t say a word as I watch him. Wordlessly, Gunner removes my helmet, putting it back into his saddlebag. The set of his jaw and the way he avoids looking at me have my chest tightening in ways I haven’t felt in a long time. And I don’t like it. I know his mood is because of my inability to give him the answers he wants.
After Gunner said his piece, nothing else was said between us. He ushered me back to his bike. I saw the disappointment in his eyes. I knew he wanted that to be the turning point for us. And maybe it was. The problem is that Gunner thinks forgiving is as easy as saying the words, but it doesn’t work like that. Yes, I love the man to the deepest depths of my soul, but I don’t trust him. Logically, I know I could, but I’m a woman and we don’t always live our lives based on logic.
I’m shocked out of my thoughts when Gunner grabs my hand and pulls me toward his home.
As much as my mind wants to protect myself and my heart and fight him and refuse to step foot in the house that he shared with her. My heart has had enough and is ready to be open to what can be. My heart wants to give in. It wants what should have always been and to forget yesterday’s and only focus on our tomorrows. I want to be whole again. It wants to forgive. It wants to love him, be with him–have him. Can I do that? Can I let go and love him the way he loves me? Can I?
With a shake of my head at how quickly I can go back and forth–enough is enough.
My mind is reeling as I hear a door close behind me, which brings me back to what is happening and where I am. My eyes close on their own accord as I breathe in the scent surrounding me. It’s all Gunner. My body relaxes in a way it hasn’t in a long time, and I don’t know… I don’t know if I am ready to be in her space, to see the room she shared with him. The place they shared for years while I…
Gunner must feel my trepidation because, as I stand in his bedroom with my eyes closed, I feel the heat of his body against my back as he leans into me.
“When Beverly and I divorced, I remodeled every room in this house. The master used to be on the bottom floor and up here is where the kid’s rooms used to be.” He chuckles to himself. “Taz and the boys gave me shit about it. They didn’t understand why I was so determined to change everything, being that I’m hardly ever here.” He says as he wraps his arms around me from behind. My eyes slowly open, taking in the room but not seeing anything. All I can do is feel him, his love, comfort, and need surrounding me. “This moment right here, Savvy. Having you right here in my arms in my home.” He releases me and comes around to face me.
When his eyes met mine, mine closed at the emotion I saw in his. The way he’s looking at me makes me feel as if I am his beginning and his end and maybe I am, because that is exactly what he is to me. That much I can never deny, no matter how much I want to. It’s too much. Gunner is undeterred as he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me to him.
“This… bringing you into my home, our home, is why. I didn’t want you to see anything but me when I finally got you here. I wanted you to know that I wasn’t holding on to something not worth holding onto.” He pulls away slightly and my eyes pop open.
“Come here.”
Gunner grabs my hand and pulls me over to the bed, turning me so that I can look at it. I didn't understand at first. I mean, the bed is nice. It’s made with all-black sheets and a few throw pillows. It’s a big king at least and looks welcoming. But that’s not what he wants me to see. Gunner turns me away from the bed and my breath catches at what I see hanging above his dresser directly across from his bed.
“Every morning, when I woke up, I wanted to see you. I wanted to look into the eyes of the love of my life and remember when I was happy. Remember the time when I had everything I could ever want or need in my arms.” He says, and I can hear the hope and longing in his voice.
Hearing his words, something inside of me shatters. My breathing becomes shallow and my heart rate increases. All I can do is stare up at the photo that was taken a few days before… Shaking my head, I focus on the picture. Gunner has his arms wrapped around my waist as he sits on his bike, his legs spread on either side of me, and I am leaning into him. My smile is so wide, both of our smiles are wide. He is looking down at me with so much love in his eyes and I remember that day like it was yesterday.
“We were so happy…” I whisper. The emotions that clog my throat are hard to ignore or hide.
My eyes close as the memories of us filter through my mind. Seeing us during that time was far more painful than I thought it would ever be–because we were happy. I was happy. Despite everything, my life had become.
When I met Gunner, I was on a mission to forge a different life from that of my family. Losing my parents, being adopted into the Bratva, and watching as my brothers became engrossed in that world wasn’t easy for me. I wanted no part of it. Which is how I ended up here in Biddeford going to college. Then Gunner happened and despite him being a biker, despite my trepidation at the beginning of us. I let him in and I fell so deeply in love with him and he broke me.
I don’t even notice his movement because I’m so lost in the memories of the past. It’s only when I feel the warmth of his hands on my cheek that my eyes open. When he rubs the pads of his fingers over my cheeks, it’s then I realize I’d been crying. Taking a few breaths, I try to pull away, but Gunner isn’t having it. With our eyes locked, so much passes between us.
“I know, baby, and we can be that again. We can, we will.” The determination in his voice has my knees nearly buckling and my breath stalling in my chest because in his eyes I see the truth. “You and I were meant to find our way back to each other. Through all the hurt, through all the pain, we ended up right here. The universe isn’t so cruel that it would keep us apart. You are the love of my life. I knew it then as much as I know it now.” He pauses, wiping away my tears before leaning closer. “Let me love you, Savvy. Let me fix what I broke. Let me earn back your trust and all of your love. Let me in.” Gunner says, searching my eyes for something.
The hot tears I’m desperately trying to will away won’t stop. The feeling in my chest that yearns for the man standing in front of me won’t stop. The need for him, the willingness to forgive. It’s all there, sitting at the surface, begging me to let it all out and let him in. My heart is beating for him, begging me to try again, to allow myself to heal. The fear is there, but all my other emotions push it back.
Taking a breath, and for the first time, I admit the truth.
“I’m scared, Gunner.”
My eyes focus on his as I say what I’ve been holding in for far too long.
“I’m afraid. Afraid there will be a next time. That you will choose this club and your club family over us… over me. And I can’t go through that again. I can’t… I can’t feel that type of hurt and heartbreak again. It may be selfish of me to want you to choose me, but there it is.” I say as my tears slow and the hurt of what I’ve gone through pushes to the surface. “It nearly killed me. I was so lost in the grief that I did things I shouldn’t and normally wouldn’t have.” Taking a breath and leaning forward, my forehead rests on his chin. My throat clogs with all the emotions I’ve held in. “Me trying to keep my distance from you wasn’t because I don’t love you. You need to know that. I… it’s because I love you too fucking much. I love you so much that there are moments when I can’t breathe.” Pulling back, I look into his eyes. “My love for you has had a hold on me no matter how many times I tried to fuck, fight, and kill it away.” Gunner’s eyes turn thunderous at the thought of me wanting to fuck my love for him out of my system. But it’s the truth. “You are the man that broke my spirit. And if I had to give a piece of my soul to heal, I did it and didn’t and don’t regret it. I still couldn’t see anyone or anyone else but you. For two decades, there has been no one else. Yes, I’ve had lovers, but none of them were ever you. I never let them in, never trusted them. So get that look off your damn face.” I say, narrowing my eyes at him, causing him to chuckle.
Gunner sobers and stares into my eyes for a moment. When he sees what he is looking for, he leans in, taking my lips with his.
This kiss isn’t just a kiss, it is a promise that he will do whatever it takes to make me see him for who he is now. Despite my words and trying to lighten the mood a little, I can feel the claim of this kiss. His jealousy has no bounds. That much is clear by the fervor in which he takes my lips. This kiss is begging me to love him as he loves me. Foolish ass man doesn’t realize that I could never not love him. He still doesn’t understand. I could never love him like he loves me because I love him more than the air I breathe. And for the first time in a long time, I don’t have any fight left in me. My need for him, the one I’m always hell-bent on tampering down, envelopes me. And I let go. Since being back in Gunner’s life, I let go. I may never forget, but I can try to forgive.
For him, our family, and most importantly, myself. I will try to forgive.
