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“But it happened, all of it happened. And I’m… I know who I am now, what I am now. I’m stronger than I was before I knew that. I also know I shouldn’t still feel the hurt and devastation I still feel when I know you had no control over your choices. But you had control of your words. What you said and how you said it. Fuck Gunner, you had to know that everything we had, everything we were to each other, that is what would break me. And that fucks with me because you didn’t have to say what you did to make your point. You didn’t have to treat me like another one of your club girls to turn me away. You treated me like I was some simpering whore who got too clingy. When I was supposed to be your girl. I was your girl. But you did. No matter how fucking rational I try to be about it, I can’t seem to let it go. I can’t seem to let you go.” She says, turning away from me.
“For so long, all I wanted was to let you go.” She says.
Her last statement was so quiet I don’t think it was meant for me to hear, but I fucking did. And it has the blood draining from my face because fuck that. She is never going to let me go because I will never let her.
“No, fuck no. Not happening. You will never be rid of me.” I say, stepping around her so she can see the truth in what I’m saying to her. And I don’t give a fuck that she wants me to keep some distance. I’m fucking sick of the fucking distance between us. No fucking more.
“Apologizing will never be enough, I know that. I fucked up. I didn’t have a choice. We know that. But here and now I do here and now we do. And I never… ever fucking want to hear you say you want to let me go because you can’t I won’t fucking allow it Savvy you fucking hear me. Not in this life or the next will I ever be without you again.” I say, taking a breath, because the anger I feel is getting the better of me.
“You better get it through your head that we will never be over.” Pulling her to me. Savvy makes no move to wrap her arms around me and she looks away.
“I was a grade a fucking prick. I don’t and can’t deny that. I would never try to. I did what I thought was right, and the consequences of that were losing you, hurting you… breaking you.” I shake my head and pull away from her because fuck. “Savvy, my heart’s cracked open and splayed out at your feet from the moment you walked back into my life.” I pace in front of her. “You think that shit didn’t fucking break me? You think I haven’t spent the last two decades doing anything but surviving without you? I fucking hated myself for a long fucking time. I nearly lost my kid because I was so fucking angry and resentful.”
“What?” she says, like she can’t believe what she heard.
Stopping in my tracks to look at her, her eyes are wide with questions. So I explained everything to her, how things were between Beverly and me, and how I was so neglectful of not just her but of Chase. And how it all came to a head when he ended up in the hospital. I see the anger and hurt in her eyes at me and the choices I made. And then I explained it was Turbo that made me see I hadn’t just hurt Savvy by choosing Beverly, which wasn’t a choice. That my actions affected my kid, who was innocent. He didn’t deserve to have a neglectful and hateful father. I explained how ashamed of myself I was in realizing that for a long time, it wasn’t just Beverly I resented, but Chase as well. Savvy's tears nearly broke me as I told her about the promise I made to be a better husband and father. I know she isn’t upset about me wanting to be better for Chase. It was the fact that I was trying with Beverly that is hurting her and I fucking hate that, but she needs to know it wasn’t some happily ever after for me. My shit wasn’t as bad as what she went through, but hard lessons were learned and I grew as a man. And the man I am now is a better one, one that will fight for his family the way I should have back then.
“I see hurt in your eyes. I know it hurts to hear that I tried with her. I hated myself for it, but for Chase, for my kid, I tried. I never loved her. I couldn’t, but I needed peace. I needed to find my equilibrium in the life I was forced to live. But fuck, Savvy. What the fuck else could I have done?” I say, my frustration getting the better of me.
“You say that what I said that day broke you. It broke me too. I knew what I was doing, but I also knew why.” I close my eyes. When I open them, I take a step closer to her without touching her. “Savvy, you wouldn’t have accepted a gentle breakup. What I said to you. I fucking regret every fucking word of it. Every. Fucking. Word. I regret it more than I could ever say. And a simple apology will never be enough, I know that. Savvy, be honest with yourself. If I would have said this isn’t going to work out and left it at that. What would you have done? What?” Pausing, watching emotions swirling in her eyes.
She knows the truth of it. Savvy knows.
“I know you. I know how you think, especially then. You would have fought me. You know you would have. You loved me, Savvy. You loved me as much as I loved you. And I couldn’t fight, not then,” Taking a breath. “And I couldn’t allow you to fight. I was fucking terrified that they would make good on their promise to hurt you.” Stepping closer, pulling her into my arms and looking into her eyes. “I’ve said this so many fucking times. I would rather have you in this world living your life without me than dead.” My words affect her and have her once again pulling away and me once again letting her go.
I watch her as she paces in front of me. Never taking my eyes off of her. Our emotions are high. Everything I feel and am saying is the truth and I refuse to not be able to get it all out. We have been dancing around each other and our reality for months–enough is enough.
“Our past sent both our worlds spiraling. And you’re not wrong. I’m fucking livid you put yourself and our kids in danger, but I can’t fault you for it, not entirely. There is fuck all that either of us can do about it. But I refuse to do anything but fix what we have here and now. I will never let you go. Fucking never.” I say, determination lacing my voice.
“Gun…”
“No…. FUCKING ENOUGH. Enough Savvy.” I don’t mean to yell, but fuck. The scathing look she gives me has me taking a breath.
“Who the fuck are you talking to like that?” Savvy says, glaring at me.
“Oh, for fuck's sake, woman. You, I’m fucking talking to you. The love of my fucking life. The mother of my children. You Savvy. So don’t get your dander all up because I will not be intimidated by this new you. Don’t get all pissy with me because I will not let you bulldoze and run away from me without saying my fucking piece. You told me how you fucking felt. And I know that was fucking hard for you. You will not get all pissy with me because I’m getting frustrated with the way shit has been with us. I want to move fucking on. I want to start our lives. We can never pick up where we left off. We’re different people. What we can do is move the fuck forward. I’m not, nor will I ever, say to forget or let me off the hook. But fuck, give me a chance to prove to you, That this.” I sigh. Stepping up and pulling her to me.
“Let me prove we are worth it. We were written in the fucking stars. Hurt feelings and pain are a part of our story, but it isn’t the fucking end of us.”
Choosing to leave it at that, I stare down at her, letting her process my words.
Savvy looks up at me, searching my eyes. “You fucking broke me. And I did everything I could to put myself back together.”
“I know, baby.”
She narrows her eyes, which has me closing my mouth.
“I don’t know if we can move the fuck on, as you say. And I’ll be damned if I let you hurt me again.” She says, and I can see in her eyes that she will not let shit go as easily as she had. “I can’t say here and now that I can forgive you.” I go to speak, but the looks she gives me has me shutting the fuck up.
“You said your piece and now I’m saying mine.” She grits out. “I need to know it will never happen again, that you won't get backed into a corner and turn on me because I will kill you.” A laugh bubbles up in my chest, but the looks she gives me has me holding it in. “Gunner, you need to understand. I hear the words you are saying. And I believe you believe them. You believe you will never do anything to hurt me, but there is always going to be a part of me that doesn’t believe. Because when you hurt me, I didn’t see it coming. It blindsided me.”
Nodding, understanding what she is saying. Because I do understand. I don’t like it, but I get where she’s coming from. I lean down tentatively, my forehead on hers as I stare into her eyes.
“Fate, the universe, or who the fuck ever knew we needed to find our way back to each other. It knew that I needed to make it right and I fucking will. I will make you trust and believe in me again. I will gain every ounce of love I lost. Because you are worth it, you will always be worth it to me.” I say, kissing her gently and softly on the lips.
Sixteen
SAVVY
