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Deian, I’m defiled.
But Caedryn doesn’t want to hurt me. He’s trying to control himself. Surely that revealed hints of the depths of his feelings.
He still wouldn’t show me them. His mental block was so frustrating.
Respect his privacy. He’s half-human. Half of him remains hidden. Half of him is darkness.
But half of him is light. He’s immortal. He wants to share things with me, but he’s afraid. The first morning at breakfast he told me having another emrys around was refreshing, so he could be understood more, but he has remained closed off.
Old habits were difficult to break. I resolved to force him to open up. He had to. If he felt something for me, then he’d have to learn how to express it with words and thoughts.
Not violent actions.
I could bond with him mentally. He’d have to open up then.
That was a major commitment. One that wasn’t broken easily if a relationship didn’t develop.
Did I want a relationship with Caedryn? A niggling told me I was settling for the one immortal on this side of the world. If I lined up the men, mortal or immortal, whom I had feelings for or who had expressed feelings for me in return, would I pick Caedryn?
No. Even out of all the mortals—no.
My options were limited. I could do what Siana had done and marry a mortal. When her husband died, did his death crush her? Did she move on and marry another? I wished I could speak with her.
But I couldn’t. And I couldn’t settle for the three men I considered to be my favorite humans.
I was going to settle. My heart told me I would. I wouldn’t settle for living alone either. Emrys were made to be together. Two people united as one. The feeling wasn’t something I could fight against. Yes, there was a pull. A deep part of my soul called for another, even though I told myself I didn’t come to Bryn to marry anyone. Did I honestly think I could marry a human? That was ridiculous. I came to the mortal world, hoping to escape that feeling—to turn marriage into an impossibility.
I’d always feel the need to be with another.
Once again I cursed the emrys and all we were.
After considering every angle, I decided to pursue Caedryn.
He wasn’t without charm. I didn’t find him unattractive.
I did like his smile, and the fact that he wasn’t formed from an emrys mold.
I’d have to develop our relationship slowly and consider how I’d react to his past and his advances as he revealed them.
Was I tough enough to handle his love?
I had no doubt. My fear had been an automatic reaction, but as I thought about the revelation he’d shared with me, I shouldn’t have been afraid and reacted the way I did. I should have shown my support. I shouldn’t have egged him further by demanding more from him either.
Develop our friendship. Encourage him to open up. Share his nightmares. Reveal his prior deceptions.
He calls himself master of deception. His self-proclaimed title bothered me. Could he still deceive me if we shared a mental bond? A bond like that was akin to a dragon bond. We could keep secrets from each other. We would still have privacy, but only if we erected a barrier in our minds.
Like the barrier I had with Seren. I was so ashamed by the way my life was going that I didn’t want to open my heart and my mind to my dragon.
I’m failing as a guardian. The only remaining benefit of having my dragon stone was Seren had her unending life as long as we were linked.
I rubbed my eyes. The sun was breaking over the horizon. I had stewed throughout the night, sitting so still I felt frozen to the dock. I didn’t want to return home yet. Caedryn needed to fret all day. I’d make my rounds and enjoy a day of work.
That would clear any remaining anxiety.
FIFTY-FOUR
A fire flickered, illuminating his form on the bed. The hour was too late. Too dark and too cold. If I thought I could sneak into our room and Caedryn would be asleep, I was mistaken.
