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Now can we please coordinate approach for tomorrow?
Sure
If it’s a no to roses …
Will I make some smutty comments about our great sex life instead?
FFS Joe.
I’m actually snowed with work tonight but don’t worry about tomorrow, we’ll be fine. Just be cool.
I am still smarting about the “just be cool” comment and annoyed by the lack of plan by the time Tosser Tuesday rolls around. Lila’s insisting that we sing the rainbow song at the top of our voices on the walk to school, so I’m quite relieved when my phone interrupts.
‘Hey, it’s me,’ says Joe.
‘Oh good, calling to make more quips about s. e. x?’ I ask, spelling out the last word because of the little ears nearby. Alas I underestimated my daughter.
She stops in the middle of the pavement and shouts, very loudly, ‘Mummy, what’s s. e. x?’
Dear god.
‘Is that Lila?’ Joe chuckles down the line.
‘We’re on our way to school,’ I mutter. ‘Lila, look! Did you see that squirrel?’
‘Is there really a squirrel, Sophie, or are you shamelessly distracting your only daughter to avoid an awkward conversation?’ Joe asks.
‘You can pipe down,’ I say as Lila bounds over to the nearest tree on a squirrel hunt.
He chuckles again.
‘Just calling to carry on our conversation from last night. I take it you don’t want me to recount the steamy details of our sex life in front of the mums, then?’
‘Please tell me Sid isn’t having to listen to this debauchery?’ I ask, appalled.
‘We’ve not left yet, he’s upstairs searching for his favourite sock.’
‘Sock, singular?’
‘Don’t ask.’
Lila is back by my side, looking cantankerous.
‘There was no squirrel,’ she says menacingly.
‘Oh dear.’ Joe laughs, evidently enjoying this. I can picture the infuriating smile on his face and try to calm myself down.
‘Silly Mummy,’ I say to her. ‘Maybe it was a bird.’
‘Like a parrot?’ she asks, eyes wide, before bounding off down the street calling out, ‘PARROT!’
‘It won’t be a parrot!’ I shout after her, trying to manage expectations, but she doesn’t hear. ‘This is your fault,’ I say, lowering my voice into the phone.
He laughs. ‘Sid’s coming so I’d better go. But I really did enjoy that lesson in how to dig yourself into a hole with your child. Really feel I learned a lot. See you shortly!’
I am well and truly vexed by Joe as he hangs up.
Lila has been having a seismic meltdown for the past fifteen minutes thanks to a lack of parrot that I apparently promised she’d see.
