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‘No, we need to sort this out,’ I insist. Because Mark’s sudden reappearance is just acting as yet another reminder of why I just can’t get emotionally tangled up with Joe. ‘Especially now, what with Mark being back …’
I look across at Joe and see him flinch.
‘Okay,’ he says, already nodding like he’s understood what I’m saying before I’ve even said it.
I stare down at my coffee and carry on. ‘Joe, can I lay my cards on the table? I wasn’t expecting that kiss but I … I wanted it too which is really confusing for me.’ I clear my throat, finding myself excruciatingly nervous in this moment. ‘But it would be blinkered of me not to bring it back to where we were both coming from originally with this set-up. The reason why we’re here. I had a very clear plan to get in with mums at school so that Lila could make new friends. And she has, so it was a major success. And at the same time we’ve been having so much fun and god, Joe, I love you as a friend, like, so much. I think we got caught up in all of that, all the celebrations of the weekend, the magical firework display and … and … we made a mistake? We got carried away in the moment. And that’s fine! We’re only human.’
I take a pause and drag my eyes up to meet Joe’s.
And I can see that cloud descend back down over his face. The slightest hint of a frown that he does his best to shake off. And I don’t know why my heart feels so heavy when he echoes the word mistake back at me.
‘I’ve never had a proper best friend before,’ I add quietly. ‘I can’t stand the thought of messing that up, Joe.’
He rallies a smile.
‘Sophie Rogers,’ he says with a shake of the head. ‘I do understand what you’re saying. For the record, I would like to let it be known that I’ve never enjoyed a kiss more. And I would quite happily do a lot more of that.’
He raises his eyebrow at me and it takes all of my strength not to leap over the table and snog his face off right here in the café.
Which I can’t do. If we tried a relationship we’d no doubt fuck it up, and then I’d lose him as a friend, which is an unbearable thought. I’d lose everything that we’ve set up with Lila’s friendships and mine and … because if it implodes between us, I’d be the outcast at school all over again. There’s just way too much to lose.
‘But,’ he continues, ‘we both have to want it, right? You want friendship and you don’t want me to fuck it up and I will try my best to give that to you.’
This should be music to my ears but it isn’t. I smile weakly at Joe, telling myself that time and distance are probably all we need to make things feel like they’re back on track.
‘Thank you, Joe,’ I say quietly. ‘I’d better go. I’m so sorry to cut this short. It’s just—’
‘Mark?’ he offers.
‘Mark.’ I nod. ‘I’m going to have to go and meet him.’
‘Understood,’ he says sadly. ‘If there’s anything I can do to help, just let me know.’
I’m so grateful, and also still so painfully aware that this mission to smooth things over with Joe doesn’t quite feel like it’s worked. But finding out what the hell Mark wants is my priority right now. I absent-mindedly kiss him on the cheek before flying out of the café.
My hackles are well and truly up by the time I find Mark. I feel combative, his very presence in Bristol is enough to put me on the defence and the corporate hotel we’re meeting at doesn’t make me feel much better. We haven’t spoken one word since our divorce was finalised. He has never met his daughter. I’ve never expected a penny from him in child maintenance and he’s certainly never offered it. As far as I was concerned, he’d checked out of fatherhood the minute he suggested I get an abortion. Add to all of that the fact of that sudden interruption this morning to my time with Joe and I am irritated to say the least. I simply do not want to be here.
I march through the revolving doors and spot Mark in the bar area, a cup of coffee and a laptop on the table beside him. The first thing I note is that he’s wearing the kind of stealth wealth outfit Kendall Roy would be proud of; quilted jacket, T-shirt and dark jeans. It’s all undeniably casual compared to the Mark I remember, who lived in suits and only downgraded to a slightly less formal shirt at weekends. Today he looks different, more relaxed, and it’s a shock to the system.
‘Sophie.’ He spots me and stands. ‘Thank you so much for coming. How are you?’
Pleasantries and gratitude? Mark seems more mellow than I remember, which is unnerving.
‘I’m well thanks,’ I reply, dialling down just a little the all-guns-blazing approach I’d been planning on the walk over.
‘You look fantastic,’ he says. ‘What can I get you to drink?’
I fold my arms. ‘I’ll take a green tea.’
‘Please, grab a seat,’ he says, motioning towards the chair next to his. ‘It’s good to see you again.’
‘Look,’ I say coolly, ‘I don’t have masses of time. Why am I here, Mark? Or, more to the point, why are you here?’
He bobs his head up and down like he thinks I’ve asked a great question. Mark is his standard clean-shaven self, stylish glasses framing his tanned face. I note that he has flecks of grey through his light brown hair now, but his face is still the one I knew so well. He flashes a bright white smile at me.
‘Straight down to business,’ he says. ‘You always were forthright, Sophie.’
I can feel my lip curl at this. I don’t want him to tell me what I was ‘always’ like. I don’t want him to have any claim on me whatsoever. But there’s a glimmer in his eyes and it all comes flooding back, how persuasive he can be, how part of his business success is his brand of polished charm which comes straight from a private education and a sense of entitlement.
