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‘If you come back?’
Joe sighs. ‘You never know what’s around the corner. We might settle up in York, maybe I will meet someone.’ His piercing eyes flick back to mine again before he looks away. I find the idea of Joe meeting someone so painful that I have to bite back from voicing it.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ I exhale, mind filing through the information he’s giving me to find one thing that I can focus on without wanting to combust. ‘You said you might be back for secondary school? That’s … that’s six years away.’
My head’s still spinning. I want to grab Joe by the shoulders and shout at him. Don’t go! Are you mad? Stay here because it’s fun and lovely and because I’ll miss you so much. The thought of not having him around makes my eyes prickle with tears and I have to set my wine down on the hall’s wooden floor and dig my nails into my palms to stop myself from crying.
He leans forward further, watching me, and I’m trapped. I can’t say any of that to him. I can’t tell him how I feel because that’s not fair on him. He wants more than a friendship, I know it. It’s written all over his face. That’s why he’s been pissed off with me recently. Because of all my bloody barriers and the way I bring things back to the plan. That kiss that we shared was so genuine, so real that even now just thinking about it sets my body on fire. The difference is that I can’t let that happen again. Joe wants more and I won’t open myself up to that.
I’m holding him back.
The realisation hits me like a punch to the gut.
‘What did your folks say?’ I whisper.
‘Haven’t told them yet.’ He shifts in his seat. ‘I suppose I do really want to know though, what do you have to say, Sophie?’
I feel devastated and a silence stretches between us.
‘Where are my manners,’ I reply eventually. ‘Congratulations on the job, Joe. York will be very lucky to have you.’
He looks at me again, as if he’s finally reconciling himself to something, and I just can’t be around him any longer. I ask him to lock up, make my excuses and head straight out of the church hall.
Chapter 29
Beautiful walls you can walk along at sunset. The majestic Minster. Amazing restaurants and canal cruises and delis packed with delights. For god’s sake! York is making it really hard for me to hate-scroll through the photos on my phone from when I visited the city in my twenties. I’d been hoping to look back at the pictures and think, what a dump! But the photos paint a different picture. I had the loveliest time there and I know that Joe and Sid will really love it too. Urgh.
I’m not big into wallowing. When things imploded with Mark I felt quite relieved, if I’m honest. I’m not trivialising what happened, of course it was deeply painful and unpleasant, but when I boiled it down I felt a sense of freedom. I could do things my way for the first time in years. Raise my child how I wanted. Make business decisions without having to run them by him first. Even decorating my new home in Bristol felt joyous because we didn’t have to pour over paint samples and worry about whether a shade of beige was not beige enough. There is precisely no beige in my Bristol home.
Joe leaving feels dramatically different.
I’ve completely lost that sense of get-up-and-go. I mean, it’s midday and I’m still in pyjamas, for a start. And it’s not the first time since he told me. But I’ve got to pull myself together because I’ve got a planning meeting with Denise this afternoon – no, wait, it is the afternoon. I force my hair into some semblance of an up-do, pull on work clothes and have just added a lick of lipstick when the doorbell rings.
‘Hello, love.’ Denise smiles, her kindly face making me feel wobbly.
I make us coffees and we take a seat in my garden, enjoying the late June sunshine.
I did at least do some prep for this, so while I chat about projections and scroll through a spreadsheet, Denise makes all the right noises. That is until she lays her hand on mine.
‘Sophie, are you all right?’ she asks.
I can feel my face crumpling but I try desperately to stay professional.
‘Oh, you know,’ I waver.
‘I could kill my Joe.’
I can’t help but let out a watery laugh at this. ‘Seems a bit drastic, Denise?’
‘Of all the stupid decisions he’s made in his life,’ she tuts. ‘This one takes the biscuit.’
‘You’ll miss him,’ I say.
‘I’m not the only one,’ she says, keeping a watchful eye on me.
I suck air in through my teeth.
‘Shall we discuss planning the big launch?’
