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‘Or we could try and get to the bottom of why you and Joe are a pair of daft bats?’
‘I mean, I prefer the sound of the launch chat …’
Denise folds her arms. ‘You know why he’s going, don’t you?’
‘Because of the job offer,’ I reply. ‘And … he said he wants to meet someone.’
‘Give me strength,’ Denise puffs. ‘He’s already met someone, Sophie.’
‘Has he?’
What the hell?
‘Can I be honest with you?’ asks Denise while my mind reels.
‘I get the impression that I don’t have much of a choice?’
Denise chuckles at this.
‘You’re right. Listen, Joe was crushed when Mark came back into your life. I think he was hoping that there might be something more between the two of you and when you made it clear that there wouldn’t be, he still wanted to try and be friends. But then your ex-husband turned up and Joe wanted to do what he thought was the right thing, to remove himself from the problem. He already felt like there was no chance of a relationship between you and the new arrival firmed that up. It’s no coincidence that he accepted the York offer shortly after Mark showed up. He thinks that you deserve the chance of having a happy family together and he didn’t want to get in the way of that.’
I am flabbergasted by this. Up until now I thought Joe had been avoiding me because of the kiss. I thought he was angry with me.
‘But Denise, I have literally no feelings for Mark whatsoever. At this point he is just an annoying fly in the ointment. Does Joe seriously think we’d get back together?’
‘He’s a family man at heart,’ she says simply.
Suddenly everything starts to slot into place. Joe is going because I’ve pushed him away. ‘There’s no real reason to stay in Bristol,’ he’d said. I’ve kept him at arms’ length this entire time thinking that it was the couple of times when we got too close that was the problem. But it’s not. He thinks I’m getting close to someone else. It’s me who made him accept this job. He’s retreating from me because my ex-husband is back on the scene and wants to be part of Lila’s life. I feel a flash of red-hot anger towards Mark.
‘Whatever happens, there is no way I’m going back to Mark.’
‘I can see that, love. But I think Joe’s got himself in a muddle about it. He knows that Lila deserves to have her real dad around and so he’s decided to take himself out of the equation.’
I shake my head, feeling so heavy with all this.
‘What do I do, Denise?’ I ask. ‘He’s got the wrong end of the stick completely.’
‘Oh I know. The way he’s been mooning around lately.’ She gives me a kindly smile.
I know I need to smooth things over, and properly this time, but the truth is I’m sick of fighting for a friendship that hasn’t felt like a friendship for months. Because I don’t want him to go, but then I can’t give Joe what he wants. I can’t risk facing my own feelings towards Joe because if I pull at that thread, I’ll come unravelled. It’s too risky. I won’t rock the boat for Lila’s sake. And this afternoon, she’s going to meet her father. Which is a whole other sack of shit that I absolutely don’t want to deal with.
Lila is climbing the walls, desperate to get to the playground and show off her fifth birthday badge, which she’s been wearing ever since the big day last week. She doesn’t know that she’s meeting Mark yet, I want to see how things play out organically when he turns up.
Once at the playground I push her on the roundabout before we migrate to the seesaw, where our unmatched weights mean Lila spends a lot of time in the air, legs dangling, in fits of giggles. Then she makes a beeline for the big slide while I head off to a picnic bench, feeling the need to lick my wounds after my chat with Denise while warily watching out for Mark. I’m still reeling from what she said and I don’t think I’ve ever harboured such negative feeling towards a person as I do towards Mark right now. I’ve decided to blame him entirely for Joe’s decision to leave. It’s completely emotionally immature of me, I know, because this whole mess is mostly my making. But if Mark hadn’t shown up when he did, if he hadn’t offered me a job and generally got in the way, I’m not so sure that Joe would be leaving. So for now it’s Mark’s fault.
I’m looking on Rightmove at property prices in York for no explicable reason when my phone vibrates. The arrival of a message from Joe draws my attention to the time – Mark is late. And as far as I can remember, Mark does not approve of tardiness.
So sorry to do this last minute but I can’t make the wedding next weekend.
Tried calling but you’re not picking up?
Got to head up to York for a meeting the following Monday … I’ll have to head up on Sunday so will need the weekend to prep.
Feel really bad for cancelling.
OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
I fling my phone down in an absolute huff and it lands next to some decaying orange peel, which feels symbolic. Something that once was so zesty has now been left to rot, just like me. Okay, I’m being dramatic. I’m not that similar to discarded orange peel. But I do find myself abandoned and dateless for a wedding in the space of a week, which totally sucks. I grab my phone again, ready to stick the knife in by indulging in another flick through the York photos, when I spot the Date My Sibling icon.
