Page 93 of Addiction

It had caused me to get behind the wheel and almost kill my sister who is now falling apart all over again in front of me.

If I had spoken about my sexuality and not feared it, the agony in our family wouldn’t have been as devastating as it was. It wouldn’t have stopped us from losing Pop, but it would have prevented everything that came after.

Pulling her close, I wrap my arms around her tiny frame and hold her tight, letting my tears fall along with hers. It’s all because of me.

Everything.

And I need it to change.

No more secrets. No more lies.

I have to do what is right, not just for myself but for my family.

“It’s going to be okay, Nora. I won’t let you down again. I promise I won’t keep anything from you or mom, again. I will tell you if I’m struggling.” I cry. “I’m so fucking sorry. For everything. I’m so fucking sorry.”

* * *

I’m exhausted. Last night had been an emotional rollercoaster and my head hurts like a bitch.

It’s early, and I can hear Grayson moving about upstairs with Ava while my sister remains cuddled into me from where she fell asleep. We’d talked some more after her tears had subsided, and I feel now we are on a good path to getting back to normal. But I also know that my path is going to be more difficult than hers. I need to call Theo. I need to go to a meeting, and I need to somehow begin everything all over again. Only this time, I need to do it differently. I’ve nothing to hide behind now. I can no longer mask who I’ve been trying to be all these years because the only person I can be now is myself.

Mark is on my list of people to talk to. I need to find out what my fate is regarding the gym.

And then there is Wade.

My attention is drawn to the sweet little coos of my niece just as Grayson enters the living room. The second she sees me, the biggest smile spreads across her face and her little legs kick out in excitement.

“Hey, cupcake,” I murmur, not wanting to wake Nora.

“This little cupcake is hungry,” Grayson says, passing her over to me. “I’m just going to make her up a bottle. Coffee?”

“Please.” I hold Ava up so she’s standing up on my thighs and make popping noises with my mouth like I’m pretending to be a fish. She’s full of smiles before she reaches out to pull on my beard. “Did you have a nice long nap? Hey? Mommy is having one too. She’s such a sleepy head.”

Ava squeals in excitement and I chuckle. “What you saying, hey?”

“Do you want to feed her?” Grayson asks, entering the room and checking the temperature of the milk on his wrist.

“I’d love that.” I get Ava comfortable and begin to feed her as Grayson comes back in with coffee. Meanwhile, Nora is still curled up next to me.

“How are you feeling this morning? Grayson asks sitting across from me. “Did you manage to get some sleep?”

“I got my head down for a few hours but nothing like I should have. My head is still all over the place.”

“But you feel better for getting it off your chest though, right?”

“Oh totally, yeah. I just have a lot of making up to do and damage to sort out. Mom is going to be gutted.”

“She will understand. Just tell her the truth. Just like Nora has.”

I nod, thinking back to what happened last night and everything that came after my destruction. “I don’t know what I would have done without either of you. You’ve given me so many chances that I haven’t deserved.”

“We do it because we love you,” Nora says, now awake and rubbing her eyes. Looking up at me and her daughter she smiles. “We do it because you are an important part of this family and our lives. But now the book is fully open, and we know the reason for your demons, we are equipped to help you even better.”

“Thank you,” I mouth, my chest tightening because I’m still very much full of emotion.

“She’s right, Asher. We were with you before. You are family. But we can support you better now we have all the facts.”

“I just wish I’d spoken about this before. I have so many regrets.”