Page 94 of Addiction

“Don’t look back now. Just keep going forward,” Grayson says.

And that’s what I plan to do.

I take the bottle from Ava and sit her up to burp her. Her little eyes light up when she finds Nora and just as she breaks out in a smile, she burps, causing us all to laugh. She entertains us for a few minutes longer before Grayson takes her off me to change her diaper.

Feeling Nora’s eyes burning into me, I turn my head to look at her. This girl is never done with her questions. “Go on then, ask me.”

“How do you know I had a question?”

“Because your eyes burn into our heads when something is on your mind,” Grayson interjects.

I grin, pointing at him. “What he said.”

“Whatever.” She changes her position on the couch and curls her legs up, her arm resting on the top of the couch as her head rests in her hand. “So, you said last night you were scared of opening up about being gay but…”

She suddenly looks nervous. “Whatever it is, you can ask me, Nora.”

“Have you ever been with a guy?”

“No.”

“Are you afraid of being with someone?”

Of everything I’ve been scared of, the thought of being with someone physically has been the least frightening thought. I’ve thought about nothing else. “I was more afraid of admitting who I am than being with someone. Does that sound stupid?”

“No,” Grayson says. “I thought about being with Nora every second of the day but saying it out allowed that I had feelings for her scared me because of who she was. I didn’t just have you to contend with but also Pete and his reaction. Thinking about something and speaking about it are completely different. So, I get it.”

“Even when I’d be with a woman, I’d picture myself with a man. Wyatt was the first guy I was up close with, but nothing developed because it all ended so wrong. Wade is the only other guy I’ve felt something for. The feelings I have for him scared me at first because I couldn’t deny them or ignore them, which made hiding being gay even more traumatic. I fought them, but I also gravitated toward him.” I swallow. “Last night when he told me he was leaving Resilience those feelings hit me harder than I realized.”

“Because you thought you were going to lose him?”

“Yeah,” I admit. “Which is crazy because nothing has happened between us. But the truth is, I’ve also held back from pursuing anything further because I don’t want to hurt him like I hurt everyone else.”

It’s all I’ve been good at all these years, and the last thing I’ve wanted is to have Wade in the firing line of another disaster I am responsible for.

“So, tell him that,” Grayson says. “Make him understand.”

“What if I tell him and lose him anyway before anything has even begun?”

“You won’t lose him,” Nora says. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”

“She’s right, Asher. That man cares more about you than I think you realize.”

I know he cares. And I believe he feels something because he’s been pursuing me ever since I was at his place. I’ve wanted to believe it, but at the same time, I’ve convinced myself that the glances we share and the sexual tension between us have been his way of getting me to confess my sins.

“You think this could work?” I ask, looking between them.

“Only if you let yourself believe it, it can. Writing it off before anything has truly begun isn’t going to help either of you.”

Grayson is right. I have to get my head in the game. I have to think clearly about my option and what I want out of all of this. And the answer is him.

I want him.

But I’ve other priorities first, and they start with calling Theo.

“I need to get my head straight before I even think of talking to Wade.”

“Do you have a plan going forward?” Nora questions.