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“Nathan has some things going on right now. He took the day off,” I told them.
Fortunately, the kids didn’t press any further. Until Sunday, when again, our routine was disrupted. We should’ve been with Marley.
“What’s going on with Nate, Mom?” Oliver asked.
The kids were seated together on the couch, sharing Olivia’s iPad since Oliver’s needed to charge. I took a seat on the edge of the coffee table and looked between them.
“Is he sick?” Olivia wondered. “We can still be around Marley if he’s sick. We probably should be…She might catch it. We should just bring her over here and let her stay with us.”
“No, he isn’t sick.”
I hadn’t planned on explaining what was going on with Nathan to either one of them. It was his business and not mine to share. However, both Oliver and Olivia knew what had happened to Sadie. And even though I didn’t think they understood it fully, they were understanding of it. Sensitive and sympathetic to Nathan and Marley both. And because of that, I felt comfortable giving them a partial explanation.
I told them it had been the anniversary of Sadie’s death and that Nathan needed some time with Marley so that they could think about her. I said Marley should be with her dad right now and explained how the two of them could help each other through this.
I expected Oliver and Olivia’s agreement and acceptance. I think they tried for it. But even though I knew them better than I knew anyone, I forgot—they were still only eight-year-old kids. They felt everything on a deeper, personal level. They wouldn’t always understand reasoning that wasn’t their own. And their emotions were unflinching and uncontrollable more often than not.
“But why can’t we help them?” Olivia asked as she blinked rapidly behind her glasses to ward off tears. “Why can’t we all be together? We’re supposed to be…” Her bottom lip trembled.
“Sweetheart, I’m sorry. Nathan just wanted it to be him and Marley right now.”
Olivia flinched, as if my words physically hurt her. That killed me.
“That’s not fair.” She sniffled and wiped at her nose with the back of her hand, then looked over at her brother as he slid off the couch.
“Hey. Come here.” I reached for him, but he pulled back and slipped around me. “Oliver…”
My son’s disappointment came in the form of silence. He sulked to his bedroom without saying a word and slammed the door shut behind him.
“Can I call him?” Olivia asked.
“No, not right now.”
“Okay. When? Tomorrow?” Her eyes were pleading.
“I don’t know, sweetheart.”
I didn’t know what else to say to her. I couldn’t promise her tomorrow when I had no idea when Nathan would reach out.
I opted for distraction. “Why don’t we do something fun this afternoon?” I suggested. “Anything you guys want. And then don’t forget, tonight is family dinner.”
I knew they would both be looking forward to that. They always were.
Olivia lifted her head and glared at me as she scooted off the couch. “I don’t want to go to family dinner. I’m staying here.” She scooped up her iPad and stormed off.
“Olivia.”
For the second time that day, I was ignored. Oliver’s door opened, slamming behind Olivia after she disappeared behind it. I sighed, hunching forward and digging my fingers into my temples.
I could picture them seated together on Oliver’s bed, comforting each other with words neither of them believed. I wanted to be in there with them, but I gave them their space and busied myself with work instead.
But I couldn’t distract myself completely. I thought about Nathan. How could I not?
It was bad during the day with Oliver and Olivia around, but it was the worst late at night. Surrounded by silence in my bedroom, I worried and wondered. I fought the urge to call. I grew sadder when he didn’t.
On Monday, another day I would have normally watched Marley, I packed our afternoon with activities to keep us occupied. We went to the park and ate a picnic lunch, and then I surprised the kids with tickets to the aquarium. We hadn’t been in more than a year.
“Marley would like this,” Olivia mumbled as she and Oliver admired one of the large tanks filled with brightly colored fish. She gently tapped on the glass. “Right, Ollie?”
Oliver tugged on his sister’s hand. “Come on. Let’s go,” he said, leading her away.
I searched through my bag as I followed them, checking my phone for any notifications I might’ve missed. August in the aquarium was packed with families. Even the noise was noisy. I had a text from Brian saying he missed seeing us yesterday at dinner, and nothing else.
I hid my disappointment behind a smile when the kids looked back.
Later that night, I was sitting on the bed folding laundry when my phone rang.
I shot to my feet and swiped the device off my nightstand, knowing it was Nathan—I was sure of it. And when it wasn’t, I wanted to rip my hopeful heart out of my chest and throw it outside, five stories down. I hated my unyielding optimism.
