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“It’s going to be fine,” I gasp to myself. “It will. I will… I’ll make it there and it will all be good.”
But in all honesty, the anxiety is getting the better of me, dooms day prophecies are getting the better of me and I don’t know what to do about them. They are too much, the worst is coming for me, the end of the world… or the end of my world anyway. I don’t even want to think about how my mother is going to react.
“Okay.” As soon as I feel slightly calmer, I force myself to get out of the car to take a look at it. Not that I will know what I’m looking at. “Okay, this isn’t going to be a problem. This is going to be….”
I lean in and turn the key, trying to bring the engine to life once more to see if it’s still spluttering like crazy but now it isn’t. Now it’s doing nothing. It isn’t coming to life at all. It didn’t need a break, it needed to die.
“Fucking car,” I call out to the open road with no one around to hear me. “Fuck, why are you doing this to me? Why can’t you just get me to this God damn job interview and break down afterwards? I need this…”
But the car doesn’t give a shit. It isn’t interested in his job interview or my determination to become a lawyer. It doesn’t care if my mother is going to murder me or if I will end up with nothing at the end of this. It’s done, broken down on the side of the road in the middle of God damn nowhere where I don’t stand a chance of getting out of here. There aren’t even other people driving down the road to offer me assistance.
“Cell phone,” I gush out. “I need my cell phone. I need to call someone…”
But even as I tug it out of my bag, I know that isn’t going to be the solution because I have no signal. Not even a teeny little scrap of it that I can work with. I’m going to have to walk around to see if I can get some because otherwise, I don’t stand a chance. I’m already risking being incredibly late, so I need to tow truck or break down man to get here and sort this shit out right away before I crumble and fall apart.
“Come on,” I moan loudly as I swing my cell phone above my head like height is going to make any difference. “Come on, please. Stop this now. I don’t need the whole God damn universe against me. Not now.”
There is a little voice in my brain asking me if this could be a sign from fate that working as a lawyer isn’t going to suit me and that I won’t be able to handle the incredible work load at a big law firm. My brain is curious whether this is what I need to make me happy. I mean, seeing my mother work endless hours without a break is killer and she tells me that things are always worse in the beginning, that pulling all nighters is normal when trying to prove yourself at the start, and I have to admit that terrifies the living hell out of me.
But I force myself to dismiss that voice as self doubt because I don’t get to worry about those things. Not when my mother has put so much in to making sure that I can have it all. I owe it to her.
I don’t know how long I walk up and down the road for but the high heels that I wouldn’t normally wear if my mom didn’t tell me that I have to for professionalism start to pinch my feet and that really is the last thing for me. I can’t hack it any longer, I completely give up. I slump on to the front of the car and I weep hard and fast. I stop worrying about my make up and how clean my face is, I simply let myself cry.
Everything that I have been through, not just during this day but to get me to this point, comes flooding to the surface and I crack. It feels like I have been holding it all in for far too long and like a pressure cooker I have finally erupted. The flood gates have opened wide and I honestly don’t know if I can close them again. The struggles of my education, the ways that I found it so challenging to keep up with everyone else, the times I wanted to give up but my mother would never let me, the ways that my mother yelled at me over and over again to make sure that I got the interview answers correct… all of it. I cry hard and fast and let it all free.
