Page 4 of Searching for Always (Searching For 4)

It was a long time before Kennedy was able to admit her love for Nate and accept she was worthy for him to love her back. Since then, they'd moved in together and Nate was working on the next step: getting her to marry him. Arilyn would bet her money on Nate any day. Kennedy was still refusing, not wanting to ruin what they had, but slowly the rest of her walls were coming down.

"What's up, ladies? We're not drinking?" Kennedy asked.

Kate laughed and held up her own water bottle. "It's ten a.m. I think we should hold off on the hotel liquor bottles till at least noon."

Kennedy pursed her lips in a famous pout. "As Buffett says, it's five o'clock somewhere."

"But not here," Arilyn pointed out.

"Semantics. You didn't drag me in here to discuss the pros and cons of truffles versus photo frames for favors, did you? Because I'm on your mom's side. Mini vibrators with Kate & Slade Forever imprints are the bomb."

Kate choked on her water. "Never gonna happen, dude. And screw you. Whatever happened to your reassurances that you'll help in whatever capacity for the wedding?"

"I got burnt out. If I ever agree to marry Nate, we are so going to Vegas. Just us, you guys, and Elvis. Heaven."

Arilyn grinned. The numbness melted a bit as she savored the warmth of female friendship. "We'll be there. In the meantime, Kate is worried about leaving Kinnections behind during the honeymoon. I think we're here to reassure her."

Kate and Kennedy exchanged a meaningful look. Not good. This whole encounter stank of a setup. "Well, yes, I'm worried. But it's more directed at you, A."

Arilyn blinked. "Me? I'm perfectly capable of handling my job while you're away. I'm fine."

"Umm, did you just throw out a client and tell him to sue us?"

Arilyn winced. Oops. Of course they'd heard her temper tantrum. Not good, since she was the one who had taught them to deal with difficult clients by not giving in to anger. "I had a weak moment. He was hopeless."

Kate raised a brow. "You always told me there's no such thing as a hopeless client."

Irritation prickled. Another strange emotion. "I lied. Can we move on?"

"No," Kate said. "You've been a complete mess. Slamming doors. Throwing out a client. Gen said she stopped by and overheard you yelling at Mike."

Shoot. She never raised her voice, but honestly, chewing her expensive basket was way past her normal patience. She apologized later, and they'd made up with a cuddle. "There was a good reason. I'm fine."

"Bullshit," Kennedy tossed out, and leaned forward. "You're a mess over the breakup with asshat. Usually a good cry, a weekend in bed, and a tub of Ben & Jerry's helps, but you're not getting better. Instead, you keep burying yourself in projects and slipping further away."

She stiffened. She was a counselor, dammit, and knew everything about healing. "I have everything under control. Work helps distract me, and time heals all wounds. Forgive me if I can't be all lightness and fun lately, but I'll handle it."

Kate sighed. "Sweetie, we're not saying you need to spring back. You're misunderstanding. There's a distance and sadness around you we've never seen before. Like you're going through the steps but aren't really here. We think you're taking on too much, too soon. Besides offering private yoga lessons, you took on the anger management course, the shelter fund-raiser, plus all your duties here. Now you're watching Robert, and with me gone for two weeks, well, I'm afraid."

Pain sliced through her at the thought that her friends believed she couldn't handle her job. "I'd never fail Kinnections."

Kate glared. "Are you kidding me right now? I don't give a damn about Kinnections or the computer system or the matches. I care about you. I don't want to be away in St. Lucia and find out you needed me and I wasn't here! Or that you got sick because you're overworked and won't come to us for help. A, you don't realize this, but out of all three of us, you're the one who never opens up."

She gasped. Her fingers flew to her throat. "What? How could you say that?"

Kennedy nodded. "I agree. You isolated yourself in this relationship, just like Genevieve did with her ex-fiance. We knew you were unhappy, but you refused to talk about it."

Genevieve MacKenzie was best friends with Kate, and they had all gotten close over the summer. Engaged to a successful surgeon, she ran out the day of her wedding, right into her best friend Wolfe's arms. "Gen was being emotionally abused by David. It was completely different," Arilyn said.

"Was it?" Kate asked. "He refused to meet your friends. Insisted you keep your affair a secret. Snuck you around like he was a married man, hiding you from the public. Why didn't you ever call him by his name?"

She jerked back. Why? Because it would make it too real. This way, she was able to engage in the fantasy of a secret love affair with her teacher. She was able to deny the reality of their relationship and the fact that he never really wanted her. At least, not full-time. He'd enjoyed taking her off the shelf to play with but always returned her to his holding place. Shame choked her. God, even her friends had seen the truth. And they were right. She'd never opened up to them the way she insisted they did with their own relationships.

She was a hypocrite.

"I'm sorry." Misery leaked into her voice. "I think I knew if I let you in, it would prove our relationship wasn't real. And I so wanted it to be real."

Kate blinked furiously, the wet sheen of tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry you got hurt, sweetie. Out of all the people in the world, you deserve this the least. But from now on, you need to let us in. No more secrets. You also need to learn to ask for help. Hell, Ken and I have put the call out a dozen times, and you always answered. Gen, too. Now it's your turn, and we want to help."

Kennedy cleared her throat. "We love you, you idiot. Watching you isolate yourself is killing us. Understood?"

She swallowed and nodded. "Understood." She paused, trying to find the words to describe why she'd been avoiding her friends. "I'm just so mad," she whispered. "I mean, really, really mad."

There was a short moment of silence. "Well, duh," Kennedy finally said. "The man you loved was screwing someone else. You have every right to be pissed off, A. Why are you so afraid of a little righteous anger?"

Because it didn't help. Because she'd watched her mother die raging at God and the universe the entire time. Because her dad took that same anger of losing his spouse and spewed it out at himself, until he let himself die just to be with her. Because it wouldn't bring back the man she loved or change the situation. Instead, she tried to take those messy emotions and transform them. Transcend them into something good so she didn't destroy herself as her parents and so many people she counseled had done.

But she swallowed the words back and nodded. "You're right. Maybe I need to get in touch with my angry female side."

"I have a list of great songs on my iPod to give you," Kate said with a grin. "Now, what can we do to make sure you don't work yourself into the ground? Can you get out of any of your jobs for a bit?"

She sighed. "Not really. I can back off on the fund-raiser for a bit, since there are other volunteers who can take the reins. I rented out the firehouse for private yoga classes, but when you're away, I won't schedule any."

"Speaking of anger issues, how about that anger management class?" Kennedy asked. "Sounds like a nightmare to me."

Arilyn grinned. "Maybe because you can use a class or two yourself?"

"Funny."

This time she laughed out loud. "Just kidding. No, I have a small group of three this time. It runs for six weeks, for a few hours in the afternoon. I enjoy it, actually. Many of the people have good hearts. They just haven't learned how to control their emotions."

"Well, if anyone can keep them in line, you can. Nate and I will give you any extra help you need for the fund-raiser. We've been doing so well, there's no reason we can't back off on any new matches for a bit. Just until we get our full team back and hire a new assistant."

She fought her instinct to reject the offer, hating to depend on

anyone but herself. Instead, she forced herself to go along. "Agreed."

"Done. I feel better," Kate said. Her friends stood up. "Mugs this Friday night?"

Arilyn hesitated. She'd missed the last girls' night out. "I'm in."

"I'll call Gen and check on her schedule," Kate said.

"I'm good, too," Kennedy said. She paused at the door. "Oh, just a quick BTW. If anyone contacts either of you regarding my whereabouts last night, can you just confirm we were hanging out at your house, Kate? You were, too, A."

Arilyn frowned. "What happened? Why do you need an alibi? Why do I?"

Kennedy grinned without a shred of guilt. "I had these rotten eggs in the refrigerator I needed to get rid of. Imagine my surprise when I drove past the house of he who shall not be named? Let's just say I got rid of them."

Kate burst out laughing. Arilyn stared at her friend. "You threw eggs at his house? How did you even know where he lived?"

Kennedy wagged a finger at her. "Darling, you underestimate me. We all know where he lives. The stench followed me all the way down the road. It was quite poetic. See you ladies later."

She sashayed out of the office with Kate following, still laughing.

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