Page 56 of Hockey Player Seeking Fan

She starts giggling.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I feel like you’re sexually frustrated. Does this have to do with that hockey player?”

“What are you talking about?” I say far too loudly.

She rolls her eyes. “This is me, Erica. Suki. I know when a woman is being ridiculously blind about her relationship with a guy because I’ve been so blind in so many relationships, and I recognize in you what was always in me.”

“I mean, he’s cute, but it’s nothing. He is Wes’s friend, and he’s a super popular hockey player. He’s hot and can get any woman he wants. Frankly, he’s not looking for anything. He’s just a sex maniac.”

I feel guilty for saying that, because I don’t really know if he’s a sex maniac. I know that he hasn’t really been in a serious relationship for a long while, and I’m pretty sure he is not abstinent. But equating that to sex maniac doesn’t feel unfair.

“I mean, let me take that back. I don’t exactly know that.”

She starts laughing. “Oh my gosh, you totally want in his pants.”

“I do not want in his pants.” I blush, thinking about the fact that I’ve already felt his cock. I don’t need to tell Suki that.

“Why is your face bright red like a fire engine?” she asks, stepping closer. “What are you not telling me, Erica?”

“There’s nothing I’m not telling you. You know everything there is to know.”

“Everything there is to know isn’t everything there is to know, if you know what I mean,” she says, giggling. “And I don’t think that I know everything there is to know at all.”

“Suki.”

“It’s okay if you’re giving him blowjobs in back alleys. Maybe you’re taking it up the ass so that you can pretend you’re still a virgin.”

“What are you talking about? No, I’m not taking it up the ass.”

“Girl, I went to Catholic school when I was in high school. Do you know how many virgins I knew who had lost their anal cherry?” She shakes her head. “Like three-quarters of the class. They were saving themselves for marriage.”

She rolls her eyes. “Like giving up your ass is really saving yourself.”

“I’m not giving up my ass to anyone,” I say.

“You should try it. Sometimes it’s not so bad.” She laughs. “I mean, I feel like guys are way more into it than women, but I don’t say no if he really wants it.”

“Really, Suki?”

“You want to know what my negative trait is?”

“What?” I ask her.

“My negative trait is doing whatever the guy wants sexually because I hope it’s going to mean he sticks around.” She makesa face. “And yeah, I recognize that in myself, yet I still let it happen.”

“Why?”

“Because my therapist says I have low self-esteem, which is likely true.”

“And why is that?”

“Because no guy has actually chosen me, and it makes me feel like shit about myself.”

She lets out a deep breath. “So I guess you’re not the only one that’s kind of confused and upset and doesn’t really know what’s going on.”

“I think that’s part of growing up and wanting to be in a relationship where someone loves you, but knowing that humans are complicated.”