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With every choice you risk the life you would have had. With every decision you lose it.
I think of this quote every time I get the urge to tell anyone my secret. It’s what I thought of when I decided not to tell Chris about the baby. Now it’s time to decide again.
“It’s over, Chris. And I’m sorry. I’ve never been more sorry in my life than I am for what I did to you. I will never stop being sorry. I will never lose this regret, but I do think I made the right decision. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how much it kills me to even admit that. I did what was right for both of us because now you have your dream career and I have someone who I love more than I thought I could ever love someone after you left. And, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to him.” I kiss him on the cheek and he leans into me wanting more. “I will love you forever and ever, but I can’t be with you. Goodbye, Chris.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Relentless Heartache
The trip in the elevator up to the sixth floor is excruciatingly slow and fast. I hope Adam is here. When I check my phone, I have eight texts and two voicemails from Senia, but nothing from Adam. I text Senia to let her know I’m okay and I’ll call her later. I don’t have the energy or the time to talk to her about this right now. I need to find Adam.
I knock on the door for room 608. Adam has the room key. He offered me the second cardkey, but I left it on the nightstand in the room thinking I wouldn’t need it. If he doesn’t answer, I’ll just sit here and meditate for a while then call Senia to pick me up.
The door opens and Adam doesn’t look at me as he steps back for me to come inside. He doesn’t leave me much room and my chest brushes against his arm as I slither past him. He closes the door and I take a few steps before I turn around. When he finally looks me in the eye, he doesn’t speak. He’s waiting for my explanation, which, by the looks of it, probably won’t satisfy him.
“There are so many things I’ve done in my life that I regret, but right now there are two things that top that list. Number two is not telling you sooner. Number one is telling the hospital staff that I didn’t want to know the sex of the baby.”
I sink down onto the edge of the bed and force myself to remember that day. “Every time I get a fluttering in my stomach, I think of all the times my baby moved inside me. Every time I see a baby in public, I wonder.” The mattress creaks as he sits next to me and the uneven distribution of our weight pulls me closer to him. “I don’t know if you can understand what it’s like to dream about a child with no face. To feel like a part of your heart will always exist just out of your reach.”
He wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls my face into his chest. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
I wrap my arms tightly around his waist and as I think of all the nights I’ve lied awake agonizing over whether I should tell him my secret. He kisses my forehead as he takes my face in his hands and tilts my chin up.
“I love you so fucking much, it hurts to know that you’ve been carrying this inside of you.” He pauses for a moment as he looks into my eyes and I can feel something bad is coming next. “It kills me to know that you didn’t trust me enough to share it with me. And it scares me that you didn’t share something so important with someone who was supposed to be your first love.” He leans his forehead against mine and sucks in a sharp breath. “I love you, but I need some time to figure this out.”
I pull my head back and nod because I couldn’t speak if I tried.
“This doesn’t mean I want to break up.”
“I know,” I whisper as I stand up and reach into my back pocket for my phone.
“Where are you going?”
“I have to call Senia to pick me up.”
“You don’t have to leave.”
“I know, but you need some time to think and you’ll probably want to do that without me here.”
Just saying these words aloud makes my chest ache.
He stands and takes the phone from my hand. “Don’t go. We need to talk. I don’t want you to go.”
I draw in a long stuttered breath as he takes my hand in his and leads me to the bed. He lays my phone on the nightstand and we lie next to each other, just staring at the ceiling for a few minutes. I think of all the times I could have told him; all the times I should have told him. Then I think of whether I should tell him that Chris kissed me. Did I kiss him back? I can’t remember.
It feels like an eternity goes by before I finally speak. “One of the foster homes I stayed in for a few months had a pregnant German Shepherd. Her name was April. April gave birth to three gorgeous puppies while I was there and I remember the look on April’s face when my foster mother took the puppies away to clean them up. It was a mixture of confusion and gratitude.” I pause for a moment as I remember the day I gave birth. Senia covered my face with a sheet so I couldn’t see the baby as they pulled it out of me, cleaned it up, and wheeled it away. “I think I could be a good mother, but part of me thinks that might not be possible because a small part of me was grateful when they took my baby away from me. I just kept thinking how grateful I was that my baby would never have to go through what I went through with my mother.”
Adam slips his hand under my neck and beckons me into his nook. I rest my head on his shoulder and breathe the smell of him mixed with the scent of rain.
“I think you’ll make a great mother someday.” He brushes my hair out of my face and strokes my cheek as he continues. “I saw you with those kids at Shell Island last Saturday. They loved you. Especially Ethan. I was getting a little jealous of you and Ethan.”
“Shut up.”
“Claire, I meant it when I said you have a bigger heart than anyone I’ve ever met. It may have been your wicked dance moves that attracted me to you initially, but it was the way you care for Cora that hooked me. I found myself thinking of good deeds I could do to impress you.” I chuckle and he continues. “I know. It’s pretty pathetic, but that’s when I realized you were making me into the person I want to be; someone better than who I was before I moved to Wrightsville.”
“It’s not pathetic, but it’s exactly the opposite of how I felt about you.”
“So you’re saying I made you into a worse person than you were before I moved in?”
“Yes, and no.” He pokes my side and I push his hand away as I compose myself. “You pushed me to do things that made me uncomfortable. I was sleeping, literally. I was meditating sometimes ten times a day just to push the memories out of my mind. You were right when you said I was self-medicating. I haven’t meditated once today, and today might be the second most stressful day of my life. You’ve h
elped me in ways that you can’t even imagine.”
“I haven’t smoked in over a week.”
“You haven’t? Why?”
“I told you I wouldn’t smoke around you and you spent the night in my apartment four times this week. Plus, I just haven’t really been craving it as much.” He slips his arm and shoulder out from under my head and flips onto his side so he’s facing me and I do the same. “I need to ask you a question.”
He pauses as if he’s asking for permission to proceed. I milk the moment as I let my gaze wander over his face, committing his features to memory.
“I think we’ve reached the point where there’s nothing I can’t share with you.”
“Where did you go after you left the concert?”
I heave a deep sigh and force myself not to turn away from him. “Chris’s bodyguards stuffed us into a car to get us away from his screaming fans. We drove around while Chris and I talked.” His gaze penetrates me and I finally look down. “He kissed me.”
He sits up so suddenly my stomach flips from the sudden movement. “He kissed you? You didn’t kiss him back?” He’s staring at the wall. He’s not looking at me anymore and it’s making me nervous. “Please just answer the question. Did you kiss him?”
“I don’t know.” I sit up as he springs off the bed. “I was thinking about something and suddenly he was kissing me and I pushed him off as soon as I realized what was happening. I swear. I don’t think I kissed him back.”
“Are you saying he forced himself on you?”
The way he says this through gritted teeth makes me even more frightened for Chris.
“No! He would never do that.”
He rubs his temples as he paces at the foot of the bed.
“Adam, please sit down.”
He shakes his head as his mouth drops open, but he doesn’t speak.
“Please say something.”
He lets out a puff of laughter. “I can’t believe all this time I’ve been competing with fucking Chris Knight. And you’ve been letting me play his songs in the truck.”
“You’re not competing with anybody. Chris and I are over. There is nothing between us.” I rise from the bed and step in front of him. He tries to turn away and I grab the front of his shirt. “Listen to me.” His eyes are fixed on the space above my head, but I don’t care. “I love you, Adam, and only you. I love the way you smell. I love your voice.” I reach up and touch his face. “I love the way your scruff rubs me raw. I love your eyes. I love your lips.” He finally looks down as I press my finger against his lips. “I love waking up next to you. I love falling asleep in your bed. I love feeling you inside me. I love your stupid jokes. I love you more than I can ever fully express with words.”
He kisses my fingertip and I breathe a sigh of relief as I realize I have just diffused a bomb. He squats down and wraps his arms around my thighs then picks me up. He rests his chin between my breasts as he looks up at me.
“I wish I had known earlier. If I’d known Chris Knight was your ex, I would’ve stepped up my game.”
He leans his head back and I kiss him. Somehow, it feels like our first real kiss. It’s the first kiss with no secrets between us.
I pull away to catch my breath and whisper. “Chris Knight has nothing on Adam Parker.”
He tosses me onto the bed. I giggle as he pulls his shirt off and crawls on top of me. “I’m going to wipe your memory clean of him.”
He kisses me hard and our hands are everywhere as we undress each other.
“Sit up against the headboard,” I order him, and he cocks an eyebrow. “Please.”
He sits back and I straddle his lap as he slips a condom on. I rise up a little to get him underneath me and slowly ease myself down onto him. I dig my fingernails into his shoulders as a jolt of delicious pain sparks inside me.
I cradle his face in my hands and kiss him tenderly. His hands slide over my waist and lower back before he grips my butt. I tug his bottom lip with my teeth and he moans as we rock against each other in a slow, rhythmic motion.
He brings his hand forward and slides a finger between my folds. I gasp and throw my head back as he caresses my clit while thrusting himself deep inside me.
“Oh, Adam.”
I arch my back and he takes my nipple into his mouth. His tongue teases my
