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Before I could talk myself out of it, I rapped on Levi’s door and stepped back to wait.
And wait.
And wait.
Shit, what if he wasn’t even home? I hadn’t counted on that. It would just be my luck if—
The door cracked open an inch, the chain still on so that only a sliver of Levi was showing. If he was surprised to see me there, his expression gave nothing away. Instead, he looked indifferent. “What do you want, Killian?”
I’d expected pissed off. What greeted me now was much worse.
Yeah, this wouldn’t be easy.
I shoved my hands in my pockets. “Can we talk?”
“I think you’ve said enough.”
“Not to you. Not to your face.”
“Seriously? You came here just to tell me how inconsequential we were? There’s no need to bother; I got the message loud and clear.”
“No, you heard what I told Viper. You didn’t hear the truth.”
“The truth.” Levi laughed derisively. “Or what you want me to hear?”
Footsteps pounded up the stairs, and as I looked over my shoulder, I sighed. “Can I come in? Please? I’d rather not have all of New York listening in on a private conversation.”
Levi stared at me for a long moment and then shut the door in my face. A few seconds later, he’d unlatched the chain and opened the door, sweeping his hand inside for me to enter like it was the last thing he wanted.
I thought nothing could surprise me when it came to Levi, but I hadn’t expected him to live in an artist’s loft. The living area had stringed lights that hung across the exposed wooden beams, and the furniture was tasteful yet as bold as the man himself. There were splashes of bright colors everywhere—the deep red velvet couches, the abstract artwork on the walls. It was a hundred percent Levi, and when I turned around to face him, I told him as much.
He nodded and then crossed his arms over his chest, not offering for me to sit down or asking if I wanted a drink, something I had no doubt his hospitable self would’ve done in a heartbeat if he’d intended me to stay. He wanted me to say my piece and get the hell out.
Uphill battle it is.
I decided to start things out by admitting the first truth. “I fucked up.”
Levi raised an eyebrow but stayed silent.
“And before you assume, I’ll tell you all the ways I fucked up.”
That got his attention. “There’s more than just the one?”
“I shouldn’t have talked to Viper about us. Period. What happens between us should stay there, and for that, I apologize.”
“I don’t care that you talked to Viper. Tell him whatever you want.”
“That’s just it. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t tell Viper how I feel about you when I haven’t even told you.” When Levi didn’t react, I went on. “You told me about your past, about Jonny. The last thing I wanted was for you to think I don’t care about you—”
“Really? And that’s how you show it? By telling Viper you’re with me because it’s easier than finding some stranger to get laid instead?”
“What was the alternative? To admit how much I was falling for you? It’s none of Viper’s business, so yeah, I lied. I lied to get him the fuck off my back, and that’s what you happened to hear instead of the truth. And for that, I’m sorry, Levi. I’m so very sorry.”
The silence that fell between us was one I couldn’t read. Levi’s expression betrayed nothing, and he sure as hell wasn’t accepting my apology. He simply stared at me, like he was trying to see inside my head to find out if what I was saying was real, and the fact that he even had to wonder stung more than I would’ve believed possible.
Thirty-Seven
Levi
“HOW DO YOU think it felt,” I said slowly, measuring my words, “to hear you say one thing to me and tell your best friend something completely different? Why would I believe you? You’ve known Viper for, what, over thirty years? You think I don’t know you tell each other everything?”
“Almost everything,” Killian said, but I waved him off.
“Don’t bother.”
“Don’t— What do you mean don’t bother?” Killian’s brow furrowed. “I’m trying to explain here—”
“And I don’t want to hear it. In fact, I think you might’ve actually done me a favor.” Up until this point I’d managed to keep my distance from Killian, something I’d known was crucial for my sanity and heart. But as I stood there with the perfect opportunity to tell him that getting involved with him had been the biggest mistake of my life, I couldn’t seem to get the lie I’d rehearsed over and over again to roll off my tongue.
“A favor?” Killian said, as an emotion I refused to acknowledge—something akin to hurt—flashed in his eyes.
